Delboy99
Sire
..... glad you got a kick out of it Mark! Nice to know that some people do read these and causes a bit of a titter!
Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
- Thread starter anonamouse
- Start date
markfinn
Sire
Possibly best thread on here mate, provides a nice little smile every time , I don't know why others fail to even give a LIKE to some of the posts , sure there are plenty of readers and there is broad humour something for all- although some just do not respond to anything other than their own stuff..... glad you got a kick out of it Mark! Nice to know that some people do read these and causes a bit of a titter!
Delboy99
Sire
A young Irish girl goes to confession...
...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”
“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”
“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
Delboy99
Sire
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.
She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty."
Delboy99
Sire
«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
Delboy99
Sire
Religion
I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
I said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my bicycle had been stolen.
*I BELIEVE IN ALL RELIGIONS NOW...*
Delboy99
Sire
a man goes to a doctor...
A man goes to his doctor complaining that his girlfriend is pregnant notwithstanding their use of condoms and them never breaking.
The doctor says:
*"Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter, who always carried his gun with him. One day, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. Suddenly, a hungry lion jumps out of the bushes, and comes charging toward him. The hunter pulled out his umbrella thinking it was a gun, pointed it at the lion, and the lion was shot dead."*
The patient replies:
*"That's absolute nonsense. Do you seriously expect me to believe that? Obviously someone else shot the lion."*
The doctor smiled and said:
*"So, you understand the story. Next patient please."*
Delboy99
Sire
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
Delboy99
Sire
Back from business trip.
A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..
"What happened?", she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..
Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."
"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."
Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..
She didn't get the email
Delboy99
Sire
Eric is stranded on an island...
Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.
"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.
Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No, you are not." he says to Eric, and proceeds to pick up a small rock from the ground. "You must take this magic rock and throw it at the cannibal king."
Eric desperately throws the stone and hits the cannibal king right in the forehead. He looks back at the old man. "Now what?"
The wise old man smiles and says "Ah, see, *now* you are screwed."
Delboy99
Sire
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.
They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.
Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than feather-wait, you may enter paradise."
The Christian takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He stares at Anubis defiantly, "I should pass, I made sure to do what FOX news told me every day." They tip heavily to the side, and Anubis waves his hand. The Christian's soul disintegrates instantly.
The Muslim takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He looks timidly at Anubis, "I did my best to live a good life, I always gave to the poor..." Although not as heavy as the Christian's heart, it was weighed down by life. Anubis sadly waved his hand, and the Muslim's soul disintegrated instantly.
The Witch then looked at the scales, looked at the plaque, and checked her watch. About three minutes went by, and Anubis was getting annoyed at her taking too long, and started tapping his foot. She then looks at Anubis and asks, "Has that feather been here long?"
Anubis nods, "Yes, left by the god Maat, millennia ago."
She nods, "And how long ago did we arrive here?"
Anubis thinks for a moment, "Maybe six minutes?"
The witch smiles, and then strides confidently forward, and enters paradise.
Anubis sighs, "At least Witches know how to spell."
Delboy99
Sire
A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.
Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.
After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a while, he again hears something. "My word, it looks like you've really been working out too!" Certain that he heard something, he looks around again and finds nobody nearby.
By now he's becoming a bit concerned and quickly downs the rest of his beer as he begins to question his sanity. As he goes to signal to the bartender to get a refill, another whisper comes out of seemingly thin air, "Don't worry, you're fine! In fact you seem to have quite the keen intellect!"
With a final quick glance around him the man again sees that there's nobody who could be saying these things. The bartender comes over and sees the confused look on the man's face and asks if he's alright.
The man replies, "I think I'm going crazy! I keep hearing something saying random nice things to me but nobody else has been anywhere near me!"
Upon hearing this, the bartender smiles and tells him, "You're fine! And certainly not going crazy. It's the nuts, they're complimentary!"
Delboy99
Sire
Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.
You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.
You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.
During high school, you both tried out for the baseball team and even carried the team to the championships. It was a great time for both of you.
After high school, however, you both decided to go your separate ways. Liam wanted to pursue his musical career, and you had your own path to take. There was no guarantee that you would see him again. So, as a memento of your time together, you decide to give Liam the first baseball you two played catch with. You throw it over to him, and he says, “Hey, I’ll treasure this forever. And I’ll keep in touch.” In return, Liam gives you the baseball glove he used. You both hug it out, and then Liam takes his leave.
Five years have passed since then. You both have done fairly well with your jobs. Suddenly, you get word of a high school reunion coming up. Liam messages you, asking you to come to the event. Being nostalgic about your time together, you agree.
On the day of the event, you decide to bring along Liam's glove so he could recognize you. At the venue, you look around for Liam. Soon enough, you see him running over to you. He then stops about 5 feet away from you. He takes something out of his bag and then smiles.
Remember that baseball you threw to him?
Today is gonna be the day when he’s gonna throw it back to you.
Delboy99
Sire
The faithfull Husband
The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?
He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we couldn’t effort it? Well I met this lady today, we had a nice little talk and she invited me for a coffee to her place. I thought why not. At her place we hat a coffee and she went quickly to take a shower. When she came back, she must have forgotten to fully dress. She just stood by the door in her underwear, looked at me and asked me to help myself. I could take whatever I desire.
His wife’s face turned white and she just stared in shock.
He smiled and said: Well, I said alright, took the vacuum and left.
Delboy99
Sire
True story, I was in a line at a grocery store when an old woman ahead of me told me I looked like her dead son
She started crying and touched me saying you look just like him, the hair, the eyes, the smile. I just stood there awkwardly trying to hold it together. Before leaving she asked me for a strange favor - When I leave, could you just wave to me and say “Don’t worry Mom!” It would just mean the world to me, I miss him so much and he always would tell me that when he was alive. Reluctantly, I give in and agree to her request. After what seems like an eternity, I reach the cashier and she rings me out. The total will be $150 she says. Confused, I tell her that must be a mistake, I was only buying a candy bar and a soda, the total should be less than $10. The cashier says that’s right but your mom just told me that your covering her purchases. All of a sudden, my confusion turns into anger after realizing what happened. I burst out of the store and see the lady trying to climb into her car. I grab her by the leg and starting pulling it - just like I’m pulling yours.
Delboy99
Sire
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I."
"What do you sell?"
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."
Delboy99
Sire
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”