• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
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    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Stranded on an island​


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.



Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,



“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “



“Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have

to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”



Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.



An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,



“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”



“No, sweetheart,” she responds.



Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,



“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”



“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.



“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.



“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.



“I didn’t send that one, either.”



Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.



Esther pulls away and asks him,



“What was that for?”



Abe answers,



“They’ll find us!”;)
 

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...​


"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.

He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman. When he catches up to her, he asks, "Why the hell did you go running off like that?"

She replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.";)
 

Would you remarry?​


Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who would you marry?"

"Nobody, like I said, you're not going to die."

"No, you said you would get married again! And I suppose she'd live in his house here with you!"

"Well, there wouldn't be any reason to get a new house – this is a nice house. But like I said…"

The wife is getting increasingly agitated, "And I suppose you'll let her cook with my pots and pans, in MY kitchen, and sleep in MY bed, with YOU!"

"Sweetheart, look… is there something you're not telling me? Are you sick or something?"

Now the wife is in a full-on rage, "No, I'm not sick, I'm fine. Except maybe I'm sick of having a husband who would marry somebody besides me!"

The husband hangs his head and takes a deep breath, "Well then I don't know what you're so upset about. This is all hypothetical, if you're just fine then…"

The wife yells at him, "And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs!"

That husband shrugs and says, "No, not that."

The wife shouts, "WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!"

"She's left-handed.";)
 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.​


As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer;)
 

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.​


I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.;)
 

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"​


He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!";)
 

Man was having a drink in the pub when the phone rang​


he reached the pocket and answered, the wife asked him : "sweetheart, I'm going to the mall and I just took 1000 dollars from your desk, is that okay ?"

"absolutely", he answers, "treat yourself"

"thank you, but can I take 500 dollars more ?, my friend suggested me a robe and it's simply amazing and I can't wait to wear it"

"yes, I trust your taste and you deserve having such robe"

"thank you, but you know, I don't have any purse that goes with that robe's color, can I take 200 dollars more ?"

"of course"

"baby I love you so much, you're the best man in the world, kisses "

the man hang up, sighed, took a sip from his drink then shouted : "guys, whose phone is this ?";)
 

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.​


After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.
Turns out it had Crowvid! ;)
 

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.​


The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a rabbit!"

First up are the Marines. They put on the war paint, load up with more guns and ammo than a small African nation and go charging off into the woods hollering and screaming.

Five minutes later all hell breaks loose. Grenades, 50 calibers, tracer, you name it. And out come the Marines with the charred remains of what was once a rabbit.

"Well done guys! Now eat your dinner!"

Next up is Delta Force. They slip on the all black coveralls, the ski masks, the night vision goggles, a silenced pistol each and off they slither into the woods, hardly seen, completely silent.

Nothing is heard for 15 minutes, but then there's the almost silent "phut phut" of a double tap, and Delta Force emerges with a dead rabbit, one hole in its chest, the other right between the eyes.

Finally, it's the Harris County Sheriff's Department. They jump into their cars, light up, the sirens are going, a helicopter zooms in overhead, dogs come out....

And an hour later they emerge with a squirrel. In little squirrel handcuffs, orange PJs and little squirrel leg irons.

The little squirrel is still alive, but has a black eye, a fat lip, it's limping, one of its little arms is in a sling.

The instructor exclaims "Guys! That's not a rabbit! That's a squirrel!"

One of the deputies gives the squirrel a little kick in the back.

"Okay! Okay! I'm a f#$%ing rabbit!!";)
 

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.​


The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the garage with his dog on the leash and asks his dad if he can take the dog for a walk.

The father looks down at Timmy and doesn't really want to have 'the talk' just yet, so instead he grabs a cloth and pours a little fuel on it and wipes it beneath the dog's tail to mask the scent, he then tells Timmy it'll be fine to take the dog on a walk.

After fifteen minutes or so little Timmy walked back into the driveway, but there was no dog.

Concerned, the father asked where their dog was.

"Oh," Little Timmy says, "she ran out of gas halfway around the block, but don't worry though, another dog is pushing her home.";)
 

The Robbery​


It was a late one night in Washington D.C, when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind a bar.

As he was smoking, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him.

"Give me all your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!";)
 

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.​


The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”;)
 

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"​


The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he shoots him.


He then points it at the second guy.


"Did you see my face?"


The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.


"No, but my mother in law did!";)
 

The whole story​


It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a distant town.

.
“Teach him to always speak the truth and to end every conversation with a compliment.” Said the wise old lady.

.
“And he’ll become loved by his community?” Asked the concerned mother.

.
“His word will be above reproach and his compliments will make him welcome everywhere he’ll ever go.” Replied the wise old lady.

.
Heartened by the plan Joe Bob’s mother rushed home and immediately began teaching Joe Bob the old lady’s method. After several months of patient instruction Joe Bob was taken into town to interact with the townsfolk. After entering the small grocery store Joe Bob dropped a dozen eggs as he pulled them from the register.

.
“Joe Bob did you do that on purpose!” Screeched the shop owner.

.
“No, but you must have a beautiful singing voice the way you hit that high note.” Meekly replied Joe Bob.

.
Embarrassed by his angry outburst the shop keeper dropped his head and gave Joe Bob a sucker before sending him on his way. Joe Bob was so happy that he had been forgiven he began using his new manners as often as he could. As he grew older he became renowned for his truthfulness and his heart warming compliments. He was so good at it that he was eventually promoted to the town crier. Any person needing to hear difficult truth would summon him and was always comforted by his kindness. One day a tragic accident befell the most lovely girl of the community. The family of the girl begged Joe Bob to be with the girl during her long and arduous recovery. Joe Bob agreed and reported to the home finding her completely bound about her head in thick bandages. Daily he visited and lifted the girl’s spirits. Every hard truth about her tragedy was softened by his kind compliments. Joe Bob’s truthfulness kept her grounded and made her feel beautiful; and she loved him for it. After several months of rehabilitation the day for her bandages to come off arrived. Joe Bob was summoned to the girl’s side. As the bandages were slowly removed she spoke from the heart.

.
“Joe Bob, I was once the most lovely girl in the community. I feared I had lost that after the accident but your kindness has shown me the true beauty with-in. I love you, Joe Bob…”

.
Free from the bandages she looked into Joe Bob’s eyes.

.
She said “do you love me?”

.
He said “no, but that’s a real nice ski mask.”;)
 
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