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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf.​


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?";)
 

A Bishop and his plumber played golf​


The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came and the Plumber missed. Before he could move his libs, lightning struck the bishop. And from above was heard "Goddamn it, I missed again.;)
 

Golf dog​


A man invites a new friend to play a round of golf. When the arrive at the first tee, the friend has a small dog with him. At the first green the friend sinks a twenty foot putt, the little dog yaps and dances around. The man tells his friend how fantastic the dog is, then ask “What does he do when you miss a putt?” The friend replies “ Somersaults.” The man ask “How many somersaults does he do?” The friend says “Depends on how hard I kick him.” ;)
 

A man decided to take up golf​


so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now what?” the man asked the shocked pro. “Uh, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” “Oh, great!” said the beginner in a disgusted tone. “Now you tell me!”;)
 

Golf​


Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me.";)
 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.​


One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. >
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!";)
 

Two strangers get paired up golfing​


They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns around.

His partner says “why’d you stop?”

“Well when I got close, I realized one was my wife and one was my mistress.”

The other fellow decides to go inquire on behalf of the duo.

He, too, gets halfway, stops and turns around.

As he comes back to his partner he says “small world…”;)
 

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.​


Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert.";)
 

A Round of Golf​


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, *"Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"*

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, *"No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."*

The pro says, *"Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"*

The Priest says, *"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."*;)
 

4 rabbis were golfing...​


Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided. Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees.

"Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong."

Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course. Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it.

As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong. Again, he fell to his knees.

"Oh, Lord, please give *another* sign to show that I am right on this."

As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill. Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact. Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything.

"Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds.

"HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed.

One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this. "Alright. So now it's three to two.";)
 

A woman's out golfing and she accidentally hits her ball through the window of a house near the golf course​


She goes up to see if anyone's home and through the window she sees a man standing behind the shattered glass holding her golf ball in one hand and an old oil lamp in the other.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've broken your window. I can pay for it."

The man looks at the lamp, looks at her and says, "At long last I'm free! Dear lady, I'm a genie. When your ball hit my lamp, it freed me from my ancient prison. If you spend one night of passion with me, I will grant you three wishes!"

She agrees and they retire to the bedroom. After they finish, the genie asks the woman, "How old are you?"

She says, "I'm 33."

"And you still believe in genies?";)
 
Delboy99 said:

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.​


She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty.";)
Click to expand...
Cruel
 

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.​


He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea,

outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and

redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan." ;)
 

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)​


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia:
Ruled by a pair of nuts.;)
 

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.​


When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.

"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.";)
 

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”​


When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”;)
 
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