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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.​


The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. Hundreds of thousands are dead.

Soon, after doing research, another scientist says ***"Wear a mask, you can save yourself and others."***

The man said, ***"No thanks, I don't need a mask, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."***

Millions around the planet are dead. Tens of millions suffer thru grave illness, some never fully recover.

Finally, our scientists create a vaccine with unprecedented efficacy.

The chorus of voices speak ***"Get the vaccine. Save yourself and your loved ones. Nobody needs to die."***

To this the man again replied, ***"No thanks, I don't need a vaccine, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."***

Soon the pandemic got worse, more aggressive, and the man caught covid-19, ended up in the ICU, on a ventilator and finally died.

He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, ***"I had faith in you but you didn't save me, you let me die. I don't understand why!"***

To this God replied, ***"I sent you wise men with knowledge, masks, and finally a vaccine, what more did you expect?"***;)
 

Looking back on 10 years of marriage​


Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a new hive. When we arrived I was surprised that out of the group the keeper picked me to dawn the traditional safety measures (IE: gloves, full suit and mask/head covering). Apparently my job was to grab any bees that stayed behind and didn’t naturally move to the next hive. As the keeper smoked the hive I could tell my services were going to be needed as quite a few stuck around and refused to inhabit the new location. I was instructed to “just grab them” and “put them into the new hive”. I was extremely apprehensive as I have a small fear of being stung. Not wanting to look like a wussy on our first date I jumped in and grabbed a large handful of writhing and angry bees that I thought for sure would be my demise. Standing there, with these wriggling dangerous insects in my hands I happened to lock eyes with my soon to be wife and I remember it like it was yesterday. Her hair shone in the sun and she had a radiant glow about her. I couldn’t look away, the keeper had to eventually jump in and guide my hands to the new hive out of fear of losing them. Out of the entire date I walked away with a passion for her and a new understanding of life and love. Beauty truly is in the eyes of the Bee Holder.;)
 
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Joke My Grandfather told me today​


So a Mans Wife would lock him out of the house every night when he came home drunk, and she would always smell his breath through the key hole. After a couple of bad days at work the man decides to revisit the bar thinking he can fool his wife so after he gets done drinking he stops by the local supermarket, and buys a pack of sardines hoping the smell of the sardines would mask his breath. The man arrives home and the wife asks to smell his breath through the key hole, after smelling the mans breath she sighs and says "You broke one bad habit and picked up another.";)
 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.​


"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ;)
 

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring​


Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The attendant notices he only writes down one name, and asks why, to which Dexter replies:

"I'm just a shucker with no shellfish team";)
 

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.​


“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Bernie!’”
“OK, kid, I’ll try,” said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy’s table, and said, “Hi, Bernie!”
The boy looked up at him and snapped, “Don’t bother me now, Frankie. Can’t you see I’m busy?” ;)
 

So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...​


The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh boy was Jess’s brother Sam wishing he could die. He accepted his tablet, phone, and mini concert and left. Sam didn’t want to sing but Samsung.;)
 

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.​


This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come quick, Conway Twitty's come to visit!"

The minister says "No ma'am, I'm the new Methodist minister, and I'm introducing myself to my parishoners." They talk for a while and he goes to the next house on his list.

Once there, he knocks on the door, a middle-aged woman answers, and again, "Conway Twitty! Oh my, I'm such a big fan of your music!"

Again, the minister has to tell her "No ma'am, I'm the new Methodist minister, and I'm introducing myself to my parishoners." They talk for a while and he leaves.

His experiment isn't going at all according to plan, so he decides to stop after one more house. When he arrives, he knocks on the door, but there's no answer. He waits a minute and knocks again, then hears someone running toward the door. It opens to reveal a beautiful redhead, still dripping wet from the shower, wearing nothing but a towel clutched in one hand. Her eyes widen and she lifts both hands to the sky, dropping the towel. "Conway Twitty!"

The minister pauses, then says "Hello, darlin'.;)
 

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer​


It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.r>My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros and now
My favourite singer rock star Dusty Hill.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite former president is Donald Trump.”;)
 

A magician stops a woman on a street....​


“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child.

Fast forward 9 months.

“Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!”
“The baby! She’s crowning!”
“But... what’s that in her HAND???”
“It... it looks like...”

“Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.;)
 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.​


The audience was new each week, so he always did the same tricks. The problem was, the captains pet parrot saw all the shows an led began to understand how the magician did every trick. It started squawking in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the axe of spades?"
The magician was furious, but, as it was the captain's parrot, there wasn't much he could do about it. Then, one day, the cruise shop ran aground and sank. The magician found himself cast adrift on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, the parrot said, "Ok, I give up. Where's the boat?";)
 

Little Johnny, the magician's son​


"What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolteacher.

"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters.";)
 

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act​


He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tour, only to find out that he hadn't sold a single ticket yet.

Devastated, he took to the streets to perform and hopefully drum up some interest in his show. Everywhere he went the people would hardly look at him, no one would shake his hand, watch his performance, or even acknowledge his increasingly desperate carnival barker-esque calls for attention.

No one gave any attention to his tricks, not the moving mark, the blinking blot, or the blue to black bamboozle.

The magician gave up late afternoon when he got hungry and found an old man with a food cart.

Frustration was visible on the magicians face so the old man asks "what's got you down?", the magician responds "I've been selling out shows throughout Europe but here people won't even take 30 seconds to watch my Stupefying Signature trick, no one will shake my hand or even look at me, if I'd have known I would never have come here".

The old man smiled kindly and told him "do not be hard on yourself, there's no way you could have known, my friend"

"Why do you say that?" inquired the magician?

"Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Wizard Shun";)
 

A magician walks up to a fisherman's booth.​


The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!;)
 

Two hunters with a cunning plan​


These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a cunning plan.

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them.

They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him!"

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts - "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!";)
 

A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.​


Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist.”

The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem.”

“Well" replies the contractor "that's all I've got.”

“All right," says the conductor, "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him.”

The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinetist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part.

During the rehearsal, the clarinetist plays his part quite well, and is responsive to all the conductor's requests. At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinetist turns in a nearly perfect performance.

One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinetist now playing his part flawlessly.

At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music.”

Then, to the clarinet player he says "I just wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate your effort and dedication.”

To which the clarinetist replies "Hey man, it's the least I can do, considering I can't make it to the show.” ;)
 
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