• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.​


After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...;)
 

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...​


A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a possible disgraced Pharaoh who had been mummified, and buried against the customs of the time. If any of this sounds off I'm no Egyptologist, my mate Dave had invited me along as the crew was small and needed all the help they could get, even from an amateur like me, and I've never been one to say no to a free holiday, and I've got to say, it was pretty sweet.

So there we were, my mate Dave (a long suffering Phd student), Ginge (who was struggling in the heat), Tommo (who took everything in his stride), and the Professor, a grumpy, old, and somewhat rotund man who was particularly disappointed with the turnout of his dig that he kept telling us "would make his career" - of course we were more concerned with getting this dig over with so we could escape the bugs and sand and get into El Gouna to get our drink on.

After a week or so of back breaking labour, tedious dig marking, and brushing down three dozen rocks in case they were "treasures from another age" we found a tablet... stone obviously, not like an iPad. It read 'Whom so ever should seek the cursed one should know that they too shall be cursed for uncovering the tomb" - or something like that! Of course everyone but the professor, who knew he had made his career, and Tommo, who took the chance to do a little sunbathing while the deciphering took place, were worried. A mummies curse seems like fiction, but given the atmosphere (and the mild sunstroke) anything seemed possible.

As we continued to dig over the next few days it became apparent we were getting close, as large chunks of kilned sand, once brick, began to appear, and soon we found the entrance to the tomb.

We went through the first chamber, torches in hand, and set up lanterns to explore the area. We found that inside was a spiderweb of tunnels, filled with Egyptian relics and treasures. Not only were we to be famous, but also rich. The professor spent all hours in the tomb, cataloguing and writing notes furiously with an unending supply of pencils which he wore down to useless stumps with his constant drawing and writing. The noise was unbearable, scratch scratch scratch against the thick, rough paper.

After more than a week of exploring we finally got to the bottom of the hieroglyphs, and the professor proudly exclaimed he'd found the secret to the tomb, each of us would have to take a "puzzle wall" as he called it, and complete them in close enough of a time to unlock the centre chamber.

My wall was simple, just replace sections of broken wall onto the awaiting surface, I put everything in and held the last piece, awaiting the time to add it in. I studied the hands of my wrist watch intently, tick tick tick, and then, on the hour, I placed the piece in, and there was a thud.

We regrouped near the entrance and found that the floor had given way to stairs, remembering the warning of a curse, we tiptoed down the stairs, vigilant for any sign of danger.

step. step. step.

we got to the bottom of the staircase, and looked around, once the lanterns were all set up we could see, in the pillar in the centre of the room, a sarcophagus was built into a small recess. We uncovered it fully, and swept off the dust "The creature in this tomb has been buried with earthly delights, so that he might give into his avarice and greed, he can never enter the afterlife while these wants keep him here" We all looked at each other and Ginge ran for it, straight back up the stairs.

Tommo took out a wrecking bar, and between us we managed to open the tomb. As we shone our torches we saw a mummy, covered in chocolate and nuts.

The professor took in a sharp breath, "my god" he said with awe "I don't believe it, this tomb, the one we're standing in right now... it's the burial ground of Pharaoh Roche".;)
 

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away​


there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.;)
 

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs.​


He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"

He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.

He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"

The doctor replied, "Comfortable!";)
 

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.​


The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”

Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine’s day?”

The other man says,” You mean the rose?”

His friend lets out a gleeful,” Yes! That’s it, a rose!”

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife,” Rose! What’s the name of that place we ate at last night?”;)
 

Ever since I got cloned, my wife has said I spent too much time with him. Today, the clone and I were sat in the lounge watching TV, when my wife came in and told me that she was leaving.​


I was beside myself.;)
 

The broken light​


Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.

An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.

"This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.

"More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck

"Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbours were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.

At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself

He replied " Many hands make light work";)
 

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.​


Well, it was a shot in the dark. ;)
 

Mr Brown was an avid golfer, who was terrible, yet every chance he'd get, he's hitting the links.​


One day, as he was heading out, his wife asked him to take their son with him, since she was going to be too busy.

Reluctantly, he agreed, and loaded up the car to go to the course.

Knowing that his son wasn't athletically gifted, he decided he was going to use him to keep score for him. So he handed him a score card, and told him to right down the number he would say after every hole.

So, as usual, he's hitting his ball all over the place, going into sand traps and the rough more than hitting the fairway, so imagine his surprise when he asked his son for the final score, and after tallying it up, the kid says "you scored a 72, Dad."

"A 72? That's great! I'm usually in the hundreds... How sure of the 72 score are you, Son?"

"I'm very confident, after all, the math was super easy, Dad, because you yelled 'fore'' on every hole!";)
 

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.​


Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow.>
The two take this chance to cram as much as they can, and they return to the professor, ready for the test. The prof takes them into separate rooms and hands over their test papers. Flipping it over, they howl in laughter, seeing these simple questions like "What subatomic particles make up an atom?". This is too easy, they thought.

Once they've reached the final question, the two guys' jaw hung loose as they read "For 90 points, specify which tire went flat yesterday.";)
 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.​


Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!"

Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?";)
 

Great performance!​


There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line…‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'” The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”. The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!” The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked. “No!” the director screamed….“You forgot the rose!”;)
 

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...​


I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”;)
 
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