• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

1950s Tips ‏@fiftiestips

The cockney is a renowned pick pocket. To combat this, attach a bar of soap to your wallet. This is the last thing he will attempt to steal.
 
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
 
This is an actual job application that a 75-year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..

NAME:
George Martin

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs? "

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
 
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of church morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Some members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night...
 
Just bought a cucumber from Tesco.

Turns out it's a horse's cock.


tumblr_m040pmg2Yv1rqdrngo1_400.jpg
 
News from South Africa now and Paralympian Oscar Pistorius is today facing a murder charge. A police spokesman said he hasn't got a leg to stand on.
 
space unoccupied for long periods of time can legally be confiscated by the local authorities. A representative from islington council has been seen making his way to the arsenal trophy room.

NEWS FLASH: Arsenal OUT of the FA Cup and look set to re-name it's Trophy Room. From tomorrow it will simply be known as 'The Room!'
 
That beef I had last night must have had horse meat in it. Just had a shit, it was good to firm but soft in places.
 
Texting for the over 50's.
The kids have all their SMS codes like WTF, LOL and PMSL etc.
So here are some codes for the more mature;
ATD = At The Doctors,
BFF = Best Friends Funeral,
BTW = Bring The Wheelchair,
HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement,
WTL = Where's The Lubricant,
ISMSA = I've Shit My self Again,
WTFMT = Where The Fucks My Teeth.
 
JamesNich said:
Texting for the over 50's.
The kids have all their SMS codes like WTF, LOL and PMSL etc.
So here are some codes for the more mature;
ATD = At The Doctors,
BFF = Best Friends Funeral,
BTW = Bring The Wheelchair,
HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement,
WTL = Where's The Lubricant,
ISMSA = I've Shit My self Again,
WTFMT = Where The Fucks My Teeth.
Click to expand...

:text-goodpost:

Just what I was looking for!

:handgestures-thumbup:
 
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