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    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Bill and Ted were at a bar...​


Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house.";)
 

I was drinking my favorite liquor the other night...​


...while sitting in front of my fireplace. I was feeling a pretty good buzz when all of a sudden I began to hallucinate, and out from the top of the fireplace sprung the disembodied head of Jane Fonda! Normally I would find this odd, but you know what they say:

Absinthe makes the hearth grow Fonda.;)
 

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize​


"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Smith, Jones, Jenkins, and so on. And you will refer to me as sergeant major. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sergeant major."

"Good. Now that we've got that settled, what is your name, soldier?"

The soldier breathes a heavy sigh and answers "Darling. My name is John Darling, sergeant major."

"Okay John, here's what I need you to do...";)
 

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.​


He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this subject?"

The shoeshine man replies:
"I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market."

The CEO of the bank asks:
"What is your name?"

He replies:
"John Smith H."

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department:
"Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?"

He replies:
"We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account."

The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.

I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story."

Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
"I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.

The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.

Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.

I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.

When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.

I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.

I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.

I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.

A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.

Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.;)
 

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…​


I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's.";)
 

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers​


The engineer quite upset, "What about them? We've had to wait here for 15 minutes!"

The doctor agreed, "I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetence!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's go talk to him! - Hey, George, what's going on with that
Group ahead of us? They're pretty slow, aren't they?"


The groundskeeper replied, "Ah, yes, that's the group of blind firemen. They lost their sight last
Year when they put out the fire in the clubhouse. We always let them play for free."


The three became very quiet.

Then the pastor said, "That's sad. I think I will pray for them tonight.“

The doctor: "Good idea, I'll check with my buddy the eye doctor. Maybe he can do something."

The engineer: "Why don't the boys play at night?";)
 

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf​


He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?";)
 

While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.​


When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?';)
 

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…​


As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he finds a note on his door that reads, “I saw you, and I have pictures to prove it. I want $25,000 or I will expose you!”. The pope considers all options and after an hour, he has concluded that it’s best that he just pay the fee.

The pope meets the person, and after giving him the money, the guy gives the Pope everything; film, negative, pictures, camera. The pope burns all the evidence with the exception of the camera. He decides to wear it around his neck as a reminder of his moment of weakness so that he won’t do it again.

As the pope walks into the Vatican, he sees many groups touring the building. Once person approaches the pope and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, your holiness. I just wanted to let you know that, that is an amazing camera you have there. If you don’t mind me asking, what did you pay for it?”.

The pope says, “To tell you the truth, I paid $25,000.” The tourist replies, “$25,000!? Sheesh, he must’ve seen you coming!”.;)
 

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.​


She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thing," he said. "I'm a crew member on a ship that leaves for Europe tomorrow morning. How about you come with me on the ship. I'll bring you food and drink." He slid his arm around her. "I keep you happy, you keep me happy."

She agreed. After all, there wasn't much else to do. She didn't have family. The man was quite handsome as well. No harm in trying.

The next morning, he hid her in one of the lifeboats on the ship with a pillow and a blanket. Every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made love until dawn.

One day, about a week after the affair started, the captain was doing his rounds and found her inside one of the lifeboats. "What the hell are you doing here?" She explained what was going on.

"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he gets to screw me."

"He sure does, sweetheart. This is the Sydney Harbor Ferry.";)
 

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.​


An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grand children! And you told her she was pregnant?”

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”;)
 

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"​


The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".;)
 

There are some Russian soldiers marching​


They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”

The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off.

After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”

The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over.

Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence.

1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:

“Don’t send any more men over; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians.”;)
 

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.​


A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than feather-wait, you may enter paradise."

The Christian takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He stares at Anubis defiantly, "I should pass, I made sure to do what FOX news told me every day." They tip heavily to the side, and Anubis waves his hand. The Christian's soul disintegrates instantly.

The Muslim takes out his heart from his soul, and sets it on the scales. He looks timidly at Anubis, "I did my best to live a good life, I always gave to the poor..." Although not as heavy as the Christian's heart, it was weighed down by life. Anubis sadly waved his hand, and the Muslim's soul disintegrated instantly.

The Witch then looked at the scales, looked at the plaque, and checked her watch. About three minutes went by, and Anubis was getting annoyed at her taking too long, and started tapping his foot. She then looks at Anubis and asks, "Has that feather been here long?"

Anubis nods, "Yes, left by the god Maat, millennia ago."

She nods, "And how long ago did we arrive here?"

Anubis thinks for a moment, "Maybe six minutes?"

The witch smiles, and then strides confidently forward, and enters paradise.

Anubis sighs, "At least Witches know how to spell.";)
 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.​


The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma.";)
 
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