Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
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Delboy99
Dam
The blonde detective
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess that's technically correct. Second question: what two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks. "Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers. The chief is again surprised that the blonde has supplied an answer that's not entirely wrong. "Now listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" he asks her. The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Delboy99
Dam
The curious case of Sherlock Holmes
We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.
Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.
She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"
Sherlock had thought for a moment and responded
"Madam, you're not wearing any panties"
Shocked she asked, "How did you known?"
Sherlock simply said "I was able to tell by the dandruff on your otherwise pristine velvet shoes"
When I learnt to use a computer with one finger ( free course organised by the council for injured folk), it was stated that, according to the council,
"the Bible is a prohibited book. "
Too much sex and violence in it, I suppose, for the council.
As soon as I got the hang of the computer, I tried at once to get into the gambling sites , but, of course, these were all banned too.
One bloke, who has since slashed his wrists and killed himself, used to be flat-out on the porn sites. Little did he know, that the teacher was able to monitor everything that went on.
One old gal with nervous trouble couldn't stand the smell of smoke coming off the smokers clothes. It was a quare set-up, folks just used to get up and fk off out for a drag or a spliff. I couldn't believe it!
Things were so different. The generation gap.
Anyway, this poor old gal was in tears one day, and, a little Scouser, who'd had his neck broke, reckoned he could stand the cold air from the open window no longer. So, he fkd off.
Then there was this thirteen year old schoolgirl ( whose Mammy was in prison for stealing a car). The young one was shit- hot mustard at that thing where you make pictures.
Unbeknown to me, the chap they made me sit by was a paedophile ( ex british army, war-wounded). So they moved me and this young gal into another small room, but, the paedo come wandering in and reckoned he could adjust her chair.
Like a flash, the teacher came running in and did some kind of a rugby tackle on the fkr. Only then was I told about the paedo.
I used to wonder why nobody ever spoke to the fella.
Another chap came in one day wearing a T-shirt, all written in Welsh about Owain Glyndwr. Somebody spoke to him in Welsh, and he couldn't understand a word of it.. Next thing, he looked out the window and saw a lorry going by. Then , he too, went running off. Reckoned his parents had been killed by a tree falling off a timber lorry onto their car. Never seen a face so pale! He never came again.
A right motley crew we were.
The things that happen, eh? All for the love of gambling on the horses!
For better or worse, I learnt just enough to come on here and annoy folk.
"the Bible is a prohibited book. "
Too much sex and violence in it, I suppose, for the council.
As soon as I got the hang of the computer, I tried at once to get into the gambling sites , but, of course, these were all banned too.
One bloke, who has since slashed his wrists and killed himself, used to be flat-out on the porn sites. Little did he know, that the teacher was able to monitor everything that went on.
One old gal with nervous trouble couldn't stand the smell of smoke coming off the smokers clothes. It was a quare set-up, folks just used to get up and fk off out for a drag or a spliff. I couldn't believe it!
Things were so different. The generation gap.
Anyway, this poor old gal was in tears one day, and, a little Scouser, who'd had his neck broke, reckoned he could stand the cold air from the open window no longer. So, he fkd off.
Then there was this thirteen year old schoolgirl ( whose Mammy was in prison for stealing a car). The young one was shit- hot mustard at that thing where you make pictures.
Unbeknown to me, the chap they made me sit by was a paedophile ( ex british army, war-wounded). So they moved me and this young gal into another small room, but, the paedo come wandering in and reckoned he could adjust her chair.
Like a flash, the teacher came running in and did some kind of a rugby tackle on the fkr. Only then was I told about the paedo.
I used to wonder why nobody ever spoke to the fella.
Another chap came in one day wearing a T-shirt, all written in Welsh about Owain Glyndwr. Somebody spoke to him in Welsh, and he couldn't understand a word of it.. Next thing, he looked out the window and saw a lorry going by. Then , he too, went running off. Reckoned his parents had been killed by a tree falling off a timber lorry onto their car. Never seen a face so pale! He never came again.
A right motley crew we were.
The things that happen, eh? All for the love of gambling on the horses!
For better or worse, I learnt just enough to come on here and annoy folk.
Delboy99
Dam
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.
Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
Delboy99
Dam
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……
Push off’ she said, I was keeping those for the funeral!
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……
Push off’ she said, I was keeping those for the funeral!
Delboy99
Dam
A little story from WWII
A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.
He returned to his base, and the platoon commander sent out the platoon to find the Finnish sniper, and once again they got picked off, except for one very scared private. "One Finn is better than fifty Russians!" The man said he heard as he retreated.
Angry, the Company commander sent his entire company to dig out this pesky sniper, and you guessed it, they were all killed, except for one guy. "One Finn is better than two hundred Russians!" He heard from the woods, as he was trying to get away.
He returned to the Division HQ, where they were preparing the entire Division to go into the woods, over 2000 men and their tanks and artillery all lined up ready for the order. He dragged himself into the commanders tent, and pulled himself up to a salute.
"Sir, it's a trap... there's two of them!"
Delboy99
Dam
An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage
At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.
"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge. My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again. After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two". Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and shot the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ". I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband"what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible". My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".
Delboy99
Dam
6 Year old son , after reading story of a king
Son: Mom I also want 4 wives, one will sing ,one bathe me, one will cook
Mom: And one will put you to sleep
Son:No, Mom I will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear
Mom: Then who will sleep with your 4 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with dad
Dad's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear
Delboy99
Dam
An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...
An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the man. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the writer in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The author runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. He hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
The writer is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the writer and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
He comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the weakened author with shards that rain down.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the writer stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
Delboy99
Dam
King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease
... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa. Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that. The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body. She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him. The moral of the story is no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
Delboy99
Dam
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The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but accidentally swallows it!
“I am so sorry, let me pay for another one for you.” offers the old man.
The barber replied, “don’t worry about it, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but accidentally swallows it!
“I am so sorry, let me pay for another one for you.” offers the old man.
The barber replied, “don’t worry about it, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”