• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A beautiful woman is sunbathing on the balcony of her apartment, completely naked​


At some point, she sees a piece of paper tied to a string being lowered at her level from one of the other apartments upstairs.

She stands up, and grabs it. there are some words written on it.

"I'm the guy who lives at 32B. You are incredibly beautiful. I'm so excited right now. I want to make love to you. If you too want to make love to me, pull this string one time. If you don't want to make love to me, pull it eighty times; faster the last twenty";)
 

Glass eye​


A guy just exited a high rise hotel on the beach and he's walking along the sand and boom something hits his foot. After further examination he sees that it's a glass eye. He immediately looks up and there's a beautiful woman on the 3rd floor looking over the balcony and he shout's "is this your glass eye"? She said yes and invites him up to her room. After drinks, dinner and a sleepover the guy wakes up in the morning and asks "do you do this all the time"? She replied "only if somebody catches my eye" .;)
 

So last night I fell off my balcony...​


Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.

The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.;)
 

Bad dream​


A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chicken playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a week or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!

Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?;)
 

Dreams​


An older couple are laying in bed one morning and the wife said “I had a dream I was in Walmart.”

The husband said, “I had a dream I was naked with three women.”

The wife asked, “Was I there?”

Husband replied, “No, you were in Walmart.”;)
 

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,​


“Relax, looks like you are two tents.”;)
 

Good ol’ Russian joke​


Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one.";)
 

A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.​


It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.

His friend said "stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you're able to see a pin stuck in the tree and it's been distracting you during the interview."

The next week the friend asked how the interview went.

"I didn't get the job. Everything was going well until they asked about my eyesight. I had done what you said -- I stuck a pin in the tree, and mentioned in during the interview. They wanted to see this pin for themselves, so we all went across the field to see it"

"Ok, that sounds fine -- you did have the pin stuck in the tree. So what happened?"

"I tripped over a cow...";)
 

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey​


When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?";)
 

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”​


“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”;)
 

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!​


The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have"? and the guy says "2 dollars".;)
 

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”​


The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if you don’t want a drink why the hell did you come in here???
The moth says, well the light was on.;)
 

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.​


As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”;)
 

Whiskey Business​


Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery

After breaking open the first cask, one guy looks at his friend and asks: "Is this whiskey?"

His friend replies: "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.";)
 
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