• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...​


She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts in the tub. The salt made the bath water into a stronger conductor of electricity, so when she got in, she was electrocuted and died.

When the authorities found her body, they deduced that the cause of death was a salt and battery.;)
 

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.​


The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. “Who was at the door, honey?” asks the husband. “Oh, it was our neighbor Bob,” she says. “Great,” says the husband. “Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?”;)
 

The Attorney's Wife​


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it”. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had; she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!';)
 

Three sisters aged 96, 94, and 92 lived in a house together.​


The 96 year old was going to take a bath. She started getting in the bathtub, but then forgot if she was going in or out. So she called for the 94 year old who was downstairs to help. The 94 year old gets to the stairs, but suddenly forgets if she was going up or down, and had to ask the 92 year old to help. The 92 year old says “I hope I never get that forgetful” and knocks on the wooden table for good measure. She then calls to her sisters “I’ll come help as soon as I see who’s at the door.”;)
 

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."​


And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?";)
 

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.​


To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log.";)
 

A man brings his kid with him to his office for take your kid to work day​


The kid is intrigued, looking around at all the cubicles, seemingly looking for something
After about thirty minutes the kid begins breaking down and crying and running around, looking all over, the man comes over to comfort his kid, and asks him what’s wrong
“Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!?” ;)
 

Camel Joke​


A young camel asks his mother
“Why do I have a big hump on my back”
The mother replies
“You use it to store water when your in the desert”
“That’s cool” says the young camel “ And why do I have these big hooves”
The mother answers “Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand when your in the desert “
“That’s brilliant “says the young camel “Why do I have such long eyelashes “
“They stop sand from going into your eyes while wandering the desert “ his mother explains
The young camel pauses for a moment
“Well, why am I in the zoo”;)
 

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.​


“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re busy”.

“Oh. Do you have a big brother or sister?”
“Yes. A really big brother.”
“Could I speak with him? Or is he busy too?”
“Yes, he’s with all our neighbours talking to the police people.”

“The police! What the?! Can I speak with them?”
“No they are way too busy.”

“Are there any other grown ups?”
“Yes, there’s the fire department.”
“The fire department!”
“Yes and the TV woman and all the cameras. Our house is on the television.”

“Good grief! I hope that you’re safe and well.”
“Yes. I’m hiding under the table.”

“Good. But why are all those people there? Is there a fire? An earthquake? A riot? A car crash?”

“No you silly. They is all looking for me!”;)
 

A man went to an art museum​


And, as fate would have it, he happened to be in the Impressionist gallery when an earthquake struck. The walls began to shake, and, instinctively, he stuck out his limbs to try to secure himself. When the dust had settled, he found himself stepping on a painting of several dancers, which was precariously perched atop a pile of rubble. A security guard entered, and the man muttered a word of apology, preparing to lift his leg off the heap.

The security guard, though, recognized that all the art would be destroyed if the visitor were to move his body and allow it to fall.

"No!" He cried, "Don't take your foot off Degas!";)
 

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...​


Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for three days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able to thit down on that milking thtool for a week!";)
 

Lightning fast.​


A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't harm them.

The boy tells him to shut up, resuming the ant slaughter, repeatedly saying "ah, missed!", "ah, missed!", "ah, missed!".

Annoyed, the preist threatens the boy, saying that god will strike lightning on his head if he doesn't stop right there.

The boy replied with "ok, boomer" and then kept on killing ants.

Before the priest could do anything, a loud, flashing thunderbolt immediately struck him in the head, knocking him unconscious, the boy got scared and ran away.

A couple of seconds after, the clouds of the sky opened, revealing the shining sun, and from the sun, a loud deep voice said the phrase "AH, MISSED!".;)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top