• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”​


Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”;)
 

The dangers of drinking tea​


Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.

I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bed as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!

Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!;)
 
A barber, a bald man, and an absent-minded professor are taking a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me.";)
 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."​


The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife.";)
 

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?​


Me: No, No, No she’s too busy looking for me!;)
 

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...​


One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?”

The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.”

“Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?”

“I’ve heard something about a... Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.”

“Comin’ right up, Sister!”

The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”;)
 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"​


"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"


"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."


"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"


"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"


Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!" ;)
 

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.​


The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'

The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .';)
 

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...​


While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, the woman assembles the wardrobe again, making sure she follows the instructions exactly. When she finishes all looks perfect, but a few minutes later a bus passes, and again the wardrobe falls to pieces!

At this point the woman has had enough, and calls customer support to explain the wardrobe she bought collapsed whenever a bus passed. The man on the other end insists that they provide any service necessary for the proper installation of their furniture, and sends over the very carpenter who designed the wardrobe to help. The carpenter watches as the woman assembles, seemingly perfectly, the wardrobe. And yet, as the next bus passes it falls to pieces again!

Determined to figure out the issue, the carpenter helps her rebuild the wardrobe and enters inside to see exactly what happens when a bus passes. Suddenly the woman's husband bursts through the front door, demanding to know why the neighbors had texted him saying a strange man had been in their house for hours.

Surging through the house he throws open doors, until he comes across the new wardrobe. He opens the wardrobe to reveal the carpenter inside, and demands to knows what he was doing there. Shocked, the carpenter says:

"Would you believe me if I said I'm waiting for the bus?";)
 

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!​


I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside. ;)
 
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