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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Talking about puddles, here's true story.

We were on the Seven Sisters Road in London. Lot of Greek shops and traders there.
Little kid was jumping and splashing in a puddle by his dad's van, while the guy was loading up some swag.

Although, the father told him off, the kid kept a jumping and a splashing.
Bloke goes " Now stop that! Don't be so fkn Irish!!" :D
 

An Arrogant Boss​


The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.

Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."

The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."

The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels.";)
 

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.​


When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the man returns for another haircut.

"How was Rome?"

"Great! I saw the Pope."

"Yes, from St Peter's Square like the rest of the crowd I suppose."

"Yes, but then two guards came up and demanded that the Pope wanted to see me. They even took me to his private apartment in the Vatican."

"What did he say?"


He said, "Who gave you that lousy haircut?";)
 

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.​


and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or anything to help him, and so he just stared at the fries, looking at its color as it turned from white to yellow, compensating for the fact that the oil was too, yellow.

Everyone was usually in awe of him because his fries were always yellow crispy perfect. And many customers came flocking to this particular McDonalds just for his fries.

However today, out of the corner of his eyes , he spied the newest happy meal toy, the talking electric pikachu, licensed by Nintendo . As an avid pokemon fan he couldn't help but pick up the toy and pull down on the tail marked with the 'down' arrow.

'Pikachu!' it went.

Delighted, he pulled on the lightning bolt shaped tail again...

'pikapikapi!'

absolutely thrilled he was at the possible variations of voice recordings the little rodent could provide, he pulled at the tail another thirty more times. ‘Pika?' it went, 'pikachuuuuuu!' and so on until he counted that there were fifteen in all.

Suddenly, he received a tap on his shoulder. He turned, only to face his supervisor holding a metal basket full of blackened fries.

"No human is infallible, as much experience as you have in the culinary arts, you must never be so complacent nor arrogant in your abilities, there are tools of this trade that you can make use of which will help you perform effectively! you have neglected one of the fundamental precepts of our trade! I do not wish to have to say it, or I would be doubly disappointed in you! You do know what I am speaking of do you not?"

The chef hung his head low, and ashamedly remained quiet, pondering over his obvious mistake, one that he had never imagined he would ever make.

"Tell Me!!!" demanded his supervisor...

The kitchen grew quiet as the crew stopped their activities, turning to both of them, just to hear the age old adage :

"Time fries when you're having fun.";)
 

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.​


"Trust me it helps, that's what I do" ;)
 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces =, ''If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.''​


She removes all her clothing and asks, ''is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?''

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, iron this!'';)
 

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.​


“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”;)
 

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.​


It's a complete quack down!;)
 

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?​


They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach for his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?"

The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!";)
 

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...​


All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”;)
 

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”​


The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!” :(
 

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China​


It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was truly a great piece of human architecture.

As the Great Khan stood facing his latest prize, a general in his inner circle asked "O Great Khan, what shall we do with the palace". After a long pause, Genghis said with a blank expression:

"Raze it"

While walking away. "Yes Great Khan, with great pleasure", the general said with a vicious smirk on his face.

Almost immediately, the general orders his army to begin preparations to tear down the palace. The jade pillars were knocked down, the marble stairs leading up to the front entrance ripped from the surface. Fires spread across the whole palace, bringing down the ceiling and ornaments covered across the roof. The loot and spoils hauled out while its inhabitants were dragged out, mercilessly slaughtered by the bloodthirsty soldiers. After a few hours, what remained of the great palace was just rubble stacked on top of each other and the burnt ashes which were carried by the wind into the distance.

A few days later, there was a feast held by the Great Khan and his top generals to celebrate the recent victory. While everyone was celebrating, Genghis asked his general:

"So how did that business with the palace go. Have you taken care of it?"

"Of course Great Khan, I put the soldiers immediately to work and finished in a matter of hours." Replied the general

"Hoh, very impressive. I didn't expect you to finish so soon. Take me there tomorrow, I want to see for myself", Genghis said approvingly

"Yes Great Khan, it would be my absolute honour" Replied the general

Dawn broke, signalled by the rising sun as it slowly enveloped the trees and mountains with an orange hue. Genghis and the general arrived at the location of what used to be the grand palace.

"Behold, O Great Khan. This truly was a grand palace of monolitich scale, but it was no match for our fine soldiers. Every step leading up to the front entrance was pulled out, every pillar broken down, every room set ablaze and every man, woman and child cut down. We also saved the gold and treasure and I made sure every piece went into the treasury. All this, done in your name, oh Mighty Khan."

The general expected some sort of praise, but when he looked back to see the Khan's expression, it was not a look of awe. Alas, a look of shock and dismay was plastered across his face.

"W- what happened to the palace? What did you do? Why is it all destroyed?" Genghis said with confusion, turning to fury with each word he spake.

The general himself was equally confused, but also terrified of his blunder, although not knowing why. He sheepishly replied "But sir, you told me to raze it, so that's exactly what I did."

Genghis, now red with rage and anger, said "That's not what I meant you cretin! I only wanted you to add a few storeys!":(
 

On a hot summer day there were two boys playing by a stream.​


One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.

He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.

So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.

The second boy said to his friend, “My mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”

“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.:(
 
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