• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A policeman is doing his rounds at night when he sees a drunk man searching intensely for something under a brightly lit street lamp.​


"Hello, what are you doing here?" he asks.

"I've lost my keys and can't find them," the drunk slurps.

So they both look for the key, but after 10 minutes it is clear: there is no key here.

"Are you sure you lost your key here?" the cop asks.

"Nah, I lost the key in the park, but there is no light there.";)
 

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.​


As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?" The Father O’Malley tuts and shakes his head. The Scott chimes in and says, "God, Judas and the donkey?" This gets a great laugh from his companions, but the priest is unimpressed. He looks at Paddy, but he just shrugs and continues drinking. As the train went through a tunnel, the lights momentarily shut off, and in the darkness, the beautiful woman leaned over and passionately kissed the drunken Irishman. In his astonishment, Paddy blurts out, "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!!" As the lights go back on, Father O’Malley looks up and proudly says, "Well done lad, I knew you had it in you," and hands over the £50. ;)
 

Drunken Epicness​


A man comes home one night after being at the local bar. He is absolutely smashed as he collapses on his bed next to his wife and falls asleep.

The next morning he wakes up to breakfast in bed. Toast, Egg and Bacon, Juice and Coffee. He is very confused, so he asks his son as he passes his bedroom, who made him this breakfast.

"Mom did", he says.

"Why?", asks the man, "This is the first time in years she has made me breakfast in bed."

"When you got home and fell asleep", says the son, "you were still wearing your clothes, so Mom tried to undress you so you would sleep more comfortably. Then you started yelling "Get off me woman! I am married!"";)
 

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar​


At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!";)
 

A drunken cowboy...​


A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger..
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”;)
 

Oh Possums!​


As a band of possums had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the possums were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with god's divine will.


At the Baptist Church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many possums showed up the following week.


The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of god's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the possums with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunken possums can do


But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


And not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since…
 

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.​


They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest

"Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?" ;)
 

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.​


The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.

"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from."

The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.

"See that wall over there?"

They nod.

"Well, I didn't." ;)
 

Dave walks into a bar​


He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman.
Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet.
"How much for a whiskey" he asks
"Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman
Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze.
Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met"
"Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here"
"Where's the owner?" asks Dave
"He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife"
"What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave
The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business";)
 

A weasel walks into a bar...​


A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It’s on the house!”
“Pop.” goes the weasel.;)
 

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.​


Radio transcript.


Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

British: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible. The second largest ship in the British atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, two missile cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course, 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call. ;)
 

Trump is visiting a class​


Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”

“WRONG!” touts Mr. Trump, “That would, okay, it's not a tragedy, right? It would be a loss - great loss. Huge.”

A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

"NO!” exclaimed the president. “No tragedy! That's an accident, okay? Bad accident, terrible accident - one of the worst accidents, but no tragedy. Accident."

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “So none of you can give me an example of a tragedy? Sad!“

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right! That's a tragedy, folks, see? Such a tragedy - just the worst. So bad. It's a very bad tragedy. Tell me why."

“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

Little Johnny was then forcibly separated from his parents before his entire family was deported.;)
 

I’ve been battling my addiction to the ‘Hokey Cokey’ dance for a number of years now..​


It’s been a long and hard challenge, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. ;)
 

The Furniture Dealer​


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand).
So he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.;)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top