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    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.​


She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!" ;)
 

Drunkenness!​


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it
. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Spoiler- Get your drunken a** immediately off that merry-go-round! ;)
 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.​


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..;)
 

A Confession?​


A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, enters the confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk man just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “There ain’t no use knockin', there’s no paper on this side either.” ;)
 

My best friend Mat and I were captured by wild Indians​


We pleaded and begged that they let us go. They finally allowed Mat to take three trials. Ahead of us were three tepees. The chief told us the first had five barrels of fire water Mat must drink. The second had a grizzly bear with a wicked tooth ache, Mat must pull it's bad tooth. The third tepee had a squaw that no man could please, Mat must pleasure her. Mat shaking like a leaf headed toward the first tepee. After about 10-15 minutes he came stumbling out almost puking on the way to the second tepee. Upon entering there was a wild roar followed by the tepee shaking. The bears screams slowly faded away and the night went quite. Mat in all of his drunkenness limped out of the tepee collapsing just outside. He wobbled to his feet and proudly asked. "Alright now where's that squaw with the toothache!?";)
 

This guy goes to the doctor...​


So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something to do with alcohol."

The guy sighs and goes "All right, I'll come back when you're sober." ;)
 

An elderly man visited his doctor and asked if he’ll live to be a hundred.​


“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”;)
 

A guy walks into the doctors office..​


Doctor tells him, you must take it easy with those eggs.
Guy asks , why ? Is my cholesterol high.
No, the doc answers, but your farting is killing me.;)
 

A drunk driver is being interrogated​


Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him. ;)
 

These two drunks are arguing if the thing in the sky is the sun or the moon.​


They can’t figure it out so they ask a passerby.

“Hey man we’re having an argument. Is the thing in the sky the sun or the moon?”

“I dunno man I ain’t from this neighborhood.”;)
 

A bride gets drunk at her reception and wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember anything she did at the reception. She asks her maid of honor what happened.​


"Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together," says the maid of honor. "Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls."

"Ouch!" says the bride. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the maid of honor. "Three of my fingers got broken.";)
 
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