• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.​


After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “when I’m president, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”



Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the president’s private bathroom and gold urinal.



“Bill doesn’t have a gold urinal,” Hillary told Laura, “but that explains who peed in Bill’s saxophone.”;)
 

The Piano..​


MY parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano,” said my dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.” “How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”;)
 

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."​


Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!" ;)
 

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.​


Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.;)
 

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"​


"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway.";)
 

Two Gals were sitting at the corner talking ...​


One saw her boyfriend coming up the street with a bunch of flowers.
"Oh great" she said. " Now I'll have to lay on my back with my legs spread all weekend."
Her friend replied "Why ? Don't you have a vase ?";)
 
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He answered, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T" means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'.;)
 

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.​


We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”;)
 

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.​


**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”** ;)
 

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.​


A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and the husband being a gentleman says “ Of course I would be only too happy to to take the pain for my wife. “

The day of birth comes and the wife is in the labour ward. The doctor says “ Labour pain is very bad, I’ll give half and see how you are”

The wife goes into labour and right enough she has no pain. The doctor asks the man how is. “Absolutely fine, give her the rest.” So they do and the wife had her baby with no problems and the man is fine also.

Next day they drive home with the new baby. As they are driving the man says, “ so all that talk about women in pure agony when they’re giving birth is just made up nonsense. I didn’t feel a thing.”

they turn into the driveway and find the milkman dead on their doorstep.;)
 

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...​


The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk for a freakin YEAR.”;)
 

A man receives a message from a neighbour.​


"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".;)
 

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........​


.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable';)
 
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A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.​


Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The general asks him: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the second man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: “Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave.” The general laughs and says: “It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the third man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier tells him: “sir, I got strep throat in the trenches.” The general asks: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “Actually sir, there is one thing… I’d like to be the first one to use the brush.”;)
 

We're in Trouble​


The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.;)
 

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...​


...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.

Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively search his bags of straw. They sift the straw, cut it into pieces, rip open the fabric of his bags, attempt to burn the straw, check his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather. And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous and ever more brazen, even offering to pay for the tax collectors meals and drinks while continuing to tell stories of his wily smuggling. The tax collectors continue their futile interrogations of the straw bags for years, to no avail.

This continues until, now a prosperous man, the smuggler moves away to another city and settles down to enjoy his wealth. Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,

'Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?'

The smuggler replied, 'Donkeys.'
;)
 
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