Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
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Delboy99
Dam
Old blonde joke.
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
‟What’s wrong, dear?” He asks
Through her tears she says, ‟wll, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can not seem to figure it out! It is supposed to be a tiger.”
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, ‟sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box.”
Delboy99
Dam
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
Delboy99
Dam
Hearing
An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing. So from 20 feet behind her he asked, "can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. He move 10' and asked again. No reply. He did again from 5' and not a word. He got up behind her ear and asked, "can you hear me now honey?" His wife said, "For the fourth damn time, YES."
Delboy99
Dam
Where's the beef ?
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Delboy99
Dam
A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.
The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.
“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”
“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”
“Sure thing. What is it that you want to know?”
“First, may I ask how many sheep are they?”
“Hmm, of which kind, dear? White sheep or black sheep?”
“Oh. The white ones, for example.
“Right now there are around 200 white sheep on this meadow.”
“Wow, that’s impressive. And how many black sheep are there, then?”
“About 200 too.”
“Oh lord, that’s a lot too!”
“There is always room for improvement. Was there anything else you wanted to ask?”
“Actually, there is. What do they eat?”
“Which ones are you asking it for, darling? White ones or black ones?”
“I don’t know… the white ones.”
“Oh, so the white sheep only eat the best hay in the farm and greenest grass while grazing.”
“Huh, interesting. And what about the black ones?”
“Well, the black sheep eat the best hay and the greenest grass too.”
“Umm okay. There was another thing I was wondering.”
“Shoot.”
“How much wool do these sheep produce?”
“That’s regarding the white sheep or the black sheep, sweetheart?”
The woman starts to get a little annoyed by the man but she still responds.
“The white sheep.”
“These beautiful white sheep can produce an average of 12 pounds. Every year, that is.”
“Uh-huh. And the black ones?”
“So these majestic black sheep produce annually 12 pounds in average too.”
At this point, the woman is already mad at the shepherd and she asks him:
“Why are you asking me every time I make a question about all those sheep if I mean the white ones or the black ones if the answer is always the same for both?!”
“Yes, that’s because the white sheep are mine.”
“Oh, okay, didn’t think of that. And whose are the black ones?”
“Well, the black sheep are mine too!”
Delboy99
Dam
Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to
He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”
His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.
He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is supervising me.”
Delboy99
Dam
Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.
They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.
Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker.
‘I work in a women’s underwear factory and I cut out the underwear fabric before it’s gets stitched up.’
‘I’m sorry,’ says the embassy guy, ‘but that’s not skilled labor. We can’t give you a visa.’ A dejected Mohammed went back to the waiting room and waited for Abdul.
A few minutes later, Abdul comes out so excited. He got his work visa. He’s going to australia. Disappointed, Mohammed asked the embassy worker why Abdul got a visa and not him.
‘Well’, said the embassy guy, ‘Abdul is a diesel fitter, which is the kind of skilled labor we need in Australia’.
‘What do you mean’, says Mohammed. ‘Abdul works at the same factory as me. I cut the underwears out, and then when the ladies come in to buy them from the shop, he holds up the underwears and says “these’ll fit her”’.
Delboy99
Dam
Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."
Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"
My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"
Delboy99
Dam
A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.
Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse eventually came to a complete halt near a campfire where a young mexican man was picking a melancholy tune on the guitar. It pricked its ears and began swaying gently to the melody, seemingly oblivious to the slurred ranting and furious kicking from the inebriated cowboy on its back.
The mexican looked up from his strings to see the severely drunken cowboy barely holding onto his stirrups and swinging dangerously on the saddle as he tried to kick his wide -pupiled, glassy-eyed animal, cursing the horse for its stupidity and laziness.
"Hey man" he said.
"You really need to get off your high horse."
Delboy99
Dam
Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...
Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.
He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
A little irritated, he now began playing an advanced jazz improvisation around the B flat minor chord. Ten minutes later, he finished - and still the audience shouted: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Annoyed, Stevie snapped: "Well, if you don't like this, then I suppose you can do better! Anyone wants to come here and perform?"
With the audience murmuring, an old Chinese man slowly climbed to the stage, took the microphone and began singing: "A jazz chord to saaay I rooove you..."
Delboy99
Dam
Paddy was at the airport and was stopped by customs.
Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.