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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

6 Times A Day​


A husband & wife visited a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull mate a day?"
Manager replied: "6 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband & said ".... u see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 6 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager replied: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked at his wife & said: " ....u see!";)
 

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.​


A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”;)
 

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.​


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tries to take the step, but only to discover that she could not.


With a little smile to the driver, she again reaches behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.


After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! ! I don't even know who you are!"


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.";)
 

It was the day of my anniversary, and I had forgotten to buy my wife a present.​


In a panic, I told her that my gift was that I would cook her whatever she wanted for dinner. She said she'd always wanted to try escargot, a fancy French dish made of snails and she wanted me to go out and buy them. So I went out and bought a bag of snails, but it was early in the evening so I thought I'd pop down to the pub for a few drinks first. However, I got a bit carried away and before I knew, it was midnight. I quickly rushed home, got to the door, and in my drunken state I dropped the bag of snails all over the floor. Absolutely fuming, my wife opened the door after hearing all the commotion and said "What on Earth took you so long". I look down at the snails on the floor and shout "come on guys we're nearly there!".;)
 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.​


He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" ;)
 

A magician walks up to a fisherman's booth.​


The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!;)
 

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...​


A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded history.

A fellow fisherman passes by and is impressed.

"Wow! How did you get such a big chub?"

"I saw a plastic sturgeon!";)
 

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:​


Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today.";)
 
One day, a farmer walked up to a fisherman, and said, "Oi, I found this 'ere red thing glimmerin' at the river over yonder. Issa worth much?"

The fisherman takes a look at what the farmer caught. After inspecting it for quite some time, he frowns and says, "I'm afraid it's worthless, sir.
The farmer frowns. "I'm not sure what you're talking about. It's glimmerin', and it looks like a ruby if I've ever seen one!"

"I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid this is just a red herring.";)
 

A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!"​


The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel.";)
 

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.​


Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

The bartender replied, “Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.” ;)
 

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"​


Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep.";)
 

The world funniest joke according to science​


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”;)
 

Man in a movie theater​


An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to get the old disheveled man to respond, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony"......;)
 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.​


Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”Me!”;)
 

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile​


An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile


The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......



The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here! ;)
 
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