• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...​


He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............' ;)
 

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.​


At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”;)
 

A man receives a message from a neighbour.​


"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".;)
 

Pete was having a tough day at work...​


His boss was berating him for a simple mistake. His coworkers were irritable. Customers were condescending. The only thing getting him through the day was knowing that his new golf clubs were coming in the mail later that day. He finally gets to leave work and gets home. He cracks open his beer and swings his 9 iron knowing that in just 15 minutes he'd have new clubs in his hands. The mailman arrives, but he is empty handed.

Pete asks, "Where's my clubs?"

Mailman, "I don't have them?"

Pete, growing more irritated, "They were supposed to be delivered today!"

Mailman, "Haha, not my problem!"

In a fit of rage, Pete takes his 9 iron and beats the mailman to death. When the cops arrive, they ask Pete what happened.

"A sense of rage came over me and I went nuts on the mailman. I hit him a handful of times with my 9 iron"

Police, "How many times exactly?"

Pete, "I don't know, 6....7 times....Put me down for a 5";)
 

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake​


A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 minutes."

Boss (shouting): "Do you know who you are talking to?"

Junior: "No!"

Boss: "I'm the BOSS!"

Junior (in same tone): "Do you know who you are talking to?">
Boss (puzzled): "No!"

Junior: "THANK GOD" (and disconnected);)
 

An experienced mountain guide leads a tourist from the big town trough a narrow cliff.​


The tourist annoys the guide with dozends of questions. The guide swallows his pride and patiently answers all the questions the tourist has. Finally they reach a spot the guide has the tourist on suspense on a long rope.

"Oh it´s deep here" the tourist says.

"Yep, always was" the guide replies.

"Wouldn´t it be bad if the rope would rip just now?"

"Not much, i still have another rope at home.";)
 

Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box​


The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?”

The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”;)
 

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.​


The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in the mess tent to help feed the hungry loggers."
Lastly he sees the short, diminutive Chinese man and wonders whatever he will do with him. He couldn't lift a chainsaw, and the kitchen is fully staffed. I know, he thinks, our men are always needing random things like chain oil, fuel and other items from the store room. "You," he says, "you're in charge of supplies," and then men head off in different directions.
A week later, Bossman decides he'll check on his new hires and he takes his truck up the mountain to the loggers. There he sees the German has fit right it, shimmying up trees, felling the tops, coming down and bringing down the thickest of trunks.
Next he goes to the kitchen, and even before he walks in he is greeted with the smell of delicious sauces, baking loaves and roasting meats. Inside the Italian has taken charge and has the entire kitchen working as a team to put out mouthwatering dishes.
Lastly he goes looking for the Chinese man. He hadn't seen him with the loggers or around the kitchen. He walks all around the camp and can't find the man anywhere!
Perhaps he deserted or something happened to him, thinks the boss, but he decides to check the tiny storeroom before raising alarm. He pokes his head in but the room is pitch black. He's about to close the door but hears a faint noise.
"Hello?" he calls out, getting no response. But then again, the faintest noise, a scuffing foot, perhaps? "Is anyone there?" he calls again. This time he's sure he heard a stifled giggle. He steps into the room, fumbling in the air for the pullstring for the single light bulb. He finds it and pulls it down. Just as he's hit with the blinding light, the Chinese man jumps from behind the door.
"Supplies!!!!";)
 

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural​


In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. When the discussion heats up, the professor stops them and says: "Students, please. I friend of mine is an intelligence officer at a KGB station not far from here. They have a lot of equipment and I am certain they can help us resolve this." They bring him to the KGB station and the professor's friend and intelligence officer accepts and tells them to sit and wait.

One day passes and nothing happens. Two days, still nothing and the students are starting to grow a little impatient. They call up the officer and ask about the progress. He tells them to be patient and just leaves. After two more days, the intelligence officer show up with a slight smile. The professor and his students are very curious asks what they've found out. "Well, he is 5344 years old, he lived of berries, vegetables and occasionally some meat. His name was Golunk and he lived in an ancient city which is long gone. He used the stick to fight of wild beasts which were vast at that time. He also had eight kids and three wives and the artefacts were a gift for his oldest son's wedding.".

The professor was stunned over the precision and so were his students. They knew KGB had resources, but at this level.. One of the students asked the officer how they were able to pin-point the information at this granularity?

"He confessed!", said the officer.;)
 
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