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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Table Dancer​


A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.";)
 

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour​


A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘Are you not afraid mortal? The old man replies, ‘no not really, I married your sister’ ;)
 

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the players are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won -​


I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! ;)
 

The police were called to a crime scene.​


They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six";)
 

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...​


A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the first page:

'REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH'.;)
 

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.​


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house.";)
 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.​


She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies:

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” ;)
 

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.​


President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Trump: "Okay, I'll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: Made In Canada/Size: Small.;)
 

Russia is invading Finland​


During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after a while silence comes and none of the Russians return.

The voice speaks once again saying: "One Fin can beat 100 Russians!"

The general is a little upset by now and sends 150 of his troops to go for sure. Once again there is alot of noise and shooting and once again none of the Russians return.

The Voice speaks again: "One fin can beat 1000 Russians!"

The general is fuming and sends 1000 of his best men. The noise and shooting lasts way longer this time and as silence almost settled again one Russian comes crawling back over the hill bleeding from a wound.

He says: "I beg you, don't send any more troops, it's a trap! There are two of them!";)
 

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”​


One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a day or two.”
With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.”
Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.”
“Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”
Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.”
Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!”
Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.” ;)
 

You must be single...​


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selectde:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‟You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict‘s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could‘ve tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ‟Well, you know what, you are absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, ‟‘Cuz you‘re ugly.”;)
 

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.​


She opens the mailbox, looks in, closes it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,

"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"

The blonde answers, "No! It's my damn computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!";)
 

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...​


An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery store and he's amazed by the selection of food. He looks around, and he finds a package of sausages. "Sow-sages - these look good. Tonight, we are going to have sow-sages for supper instead of fish."

He drives back home and asks his wife to cook up the sow-sages for supper that evening.

When supper time comes, the fisherman is sitting at the table. His wife brings his plate out to him, and all he sees are twisted bits of gristle. He says "Dear, what happened to my sow-sages? They looked so good!"
His wife said, Yes, dear - but after you cut off the heads and gut them, there's nothing left!" ;)
 
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.​


She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.;)
 
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