Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
- Thread starter anonamouse
- Start date
Delboy99
Dam
A Human Resources manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed.
Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
'Before you get settled in' he said, 'We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you.'
'Oh, I see,' said the woman, 'Can't you just let me in?'
'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter, 'But I have higher orders.We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity.'
'Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven', said the woman.
'Sorry, we have rules...' at which St Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks,and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.
'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing...which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St. Peter returned.'So,' he said, 'You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two.'
The woman thought for a second and replied, 'Well, heaven is certainly lovely but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell.'
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
'I don't understand,' stuttered the HR Manager, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled,
'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.'.................
Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
'Before you get settled in' he said, 'We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you.'
'Oh, I see,' said the woman, 'Can't you just let me in?'
'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter, 'But I have higher orders.We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity.'
'Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven', said the woman.
'Sorry, we have rules...' at which St Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks,and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.
'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing...which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St. Peter returned.'So,' he said, 'You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two.'
The woman thought for a second and replied, 'Well, heaven is certainly lovely but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell.'
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
'I don't understand,' stuttered the HR Manager, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled,
'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.'.................
Delboy99
Dam
Subject: Ann Summers
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price,
the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked
and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
... his funeral is on Thursday.
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price,
the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked
and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
... his funeral is on Thursday.
Delboy99
Dam
An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum through?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute ....'
'Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'
'OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
£5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club...' ... (takes a breath) ... 'and an invitation for ye all tospend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!
Upon her return, her father cussed her, 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum through?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute ....'
'Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'
'OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
£5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club...' ... (takes a breath) ... 'and an invitation for ye all tospend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!
Delboy99
Dam
I reversed into a car this morning on my way to work.
I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a dwarf.
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#king happy!"
So I said "Well, which f*#king one are you then?"
And that's how the fight started......
I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a dwarf.
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#king happy!"
So I said "Well, which f*#king one are you then?"
And that's how the fight started......
Delboy99
Dam
An Essex girl was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
the procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Essex girl returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly
60 POUNDS!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Essex girl nodded....'I'll tell you though, I fought I was going to
drop dead on the fird day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from f**kin' skippin !
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
the procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Essex girl returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly
60 POUNDS!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Essex girl nodded....'I'll tell you though, I fought I was going to
drop dead on the fird day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from f**kin' skippin !
Delboy99
Dam
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Little Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Oh, yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That"s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be knackered if he needed glasses".
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Little Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Oh, yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That"s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be knackered if he needed glasses".
Delboy99
Dam
Five surgeons were discussing who made the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second responded "I suggest electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon then said "No, really, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in: "Well I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the arse are completely interchangeable.
The first surgeon said "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second responded "I suggest electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon then said "No, really, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in: "Well I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the arse are completely interchangeable.
Delboy99
Dam
My grandson got away from me last Saturday in the local shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandad!!"
The copper asked, "What's he like?"
The little lad hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Famous Grouse whisky and blonde women with big breasts."
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandad!!"
The copper asked, "What's he like?"
The little lad hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Famous Grouse whisky and blonde women with big breasts."
Delboy99
Dam
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers
and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes
rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers
and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes
rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.
ALANST
Colt
bloody trueFive surgeons were discussing who made the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second responded "I suggest electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon then said "No, really, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in: "Well I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the arse are completely interchangeable.
Delboy99
Dam
.... try reporting this to Ark Royal, I am sure he can do something for you. I agree this is quite annoying and needs to be stopped.There must be a way of blocking these sort of things.
Delboy99
Dam
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Delboy99
Dam
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
markfinn
Sire
Catching up and reading up the list. Caught me out nicely. All getting good reception.... try reporting this to Ark Royal, I am sure he can do something for you. I agree this is quite annoying and needs to be stopped.There must be a way of blocking these sort of things.
Delboy99
Dam
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And
I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And
I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Delboy99
Dam
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Delboy99
Dam
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.