Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
- Thread starter anonamouse
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Delboy99
Dam
Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.
Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in trees. He didn't display this behavior before the surgery but now he seems compelled to do this.
Surgeon 2: The answer is obvious. After the implant he is a chip monk.
Delboy99
Dam
Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo
When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts “Micky Mouse!” This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says “but what in the hell made you shout ‘Micky Mouse?!’” Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies “I got nervous, I meant to shout ‘Donald, Duck’”
Delboy99
Dam
Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.
Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When he grew up, he was going to drive a tractor. He was saving as hard as a 12 year old could, so that one glorious day, he could buy and own his own tractor. Timmy seriously loved tractors.
As Timmy aged, his obsession grew deeper. He yearned for the day he could own and drive his own tractor, until one day he overheard his parents talking about how they were going to surprise him with a brand new John Deere for his 18th birthday. He could barely contain himself.
Finally, the big day arrived. He was 18! He woke with a start, peeked out the window, and there in the driveway was a giant, brand new John Deere tractor. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY! Was scrawled on the front windscreen of the tractor. He ran outside, and there were his parents, smiling as widely as any parent could. He ran and hugged his parents, crying and laughing with pure glee in the shadow of the colossus. He had never felt this way before!
But enough was enough. It was time.
He climbed into the cab and sat in the driver's seat. It was perfect. He had waited 18 years for this moment. His hand was shaking as he reached for the key in the ignition. He quickly turned it and…
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
It didn't start. That's odd. Try again.
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
Again? This is weird. Bit of a shame, battery must be a bit flat? Try again.
RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!
Timmy froze. The tractor wouldn't start. He was let down, betrayed. His whole life up to this point had been a lie. There was a paradigm shift in every fiber of Timmy's being.
Something inside Timmy snapped.
Timmy screamed, and leaped out of the tractor. He ran to the garage still screaming, and returned with an axe and a fuel can. Screaming like a possessed Viking, he hacked and slashed the tractor. The windows, wheels, cab, dash - nothing was left unscathed. Then he doused it in gasoline and lit it up. He stood, panting, watching the tractor burn, with the wails of his parents in the background.
Timmy walked away, to a bar. He was 18 now, and he needed a drink. He sat down and ordered a beer. Timmy sat at the bar reflecting on his life and his disappointment in all things tractor related. He was trying to forget it all when a putrid stench reached his nose. Thick, black, putrid smoke was billowing into the bar, obviously from his burning tractor down the road. Everybody in the bar was coughing and trying to get away to clear air. This smoke was from a tractor and it made Timmy mad, so he jumped up onto the bar and with one deep breath he sucked up all the smoke in the building, and blew it outside.
Everybody stared at him in stunned silence. No one moved. The bartender spoke for everyone in the room
"How on earth did you do that?"
Timmy slowly turned to him. "I'm an ex tractor fan"
Delboy99
Dam
A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder
So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.
“What would you like for your last meal?”
“I would like a banana please.”
The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.
When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
“You again? Dang! What do you want this time?”
“Two bananas please.”
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There’s no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
“Let me guess. Three bananas?”
“Actually yes! How did you know?”
“Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry.”
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
“I don’t get it,” says the executioner. “I didn’t let you eat any bananas!”
“It’s not the bananas.” Sighed the prisoner. “I’m a very bad conductor.”
Delboy99
Dam
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Delboy99
Dam
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!
Delboy99
Dam
Two elderly women were out driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Delboy99
Dam
Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!”
So Biden slapped him.
Delboy99
Dam
One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.
Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.
The first man steps up and tells his story. "I'm something of a fitness buff so every morning I wake up and jog on my treadmill in my apartment. Today as I was jogging some of my sweat dripped down and caused me to slip and fall out the window on my apartment. As I was falling I reached out and grabbed the balcony rail for the apartment below mine. As I was hanging there someone started hitting my hands and was trying to make me let go. After being forced to let go I fall the rest of the way and luckily I hit a pretty big bush which broke my fall and I was a okay. As I lay there catching my breath from my near death experience I look up only to see a refrigerator come smashing down on top of me and next thing I know I'm here in front of you."
As the man finishes his story St Peter nods his head saying that he had a pretty good story. He then turns to the second man to share his story.
The second man takes a deep breath and then starts. "For a while now I've known, or suspected at least, that my wife was cheating on me. So today I decided to catch her in the act. In order to not let her suspect anything I kept everything normal. I woke up got ready for the day and left for work. I waited for a bit then rushed back home. When I got inside I found my wife wrapped up in a bedsheet and looking disheveled. As soon as I saw her I knew I was right so I started searching for the man she was sleeping with as he had no time to escape. As I'm searching I see a pair of hands gripping the balcony rail. At that point I see red and rush out to the balcony and start hitting the hands. After a few hits the hands lose grip and let go. I went to the edge to see what happened and to my surprise I see the man completely fine. So I run back inside and somehow push my fridge over the balcony and smash the man but due to the exertion and anger I have a heart attack and die."
At this point St Peter looks between the two men with astonishment at how the two men died. He turns to the third man and tells him that he better have a really good story as it will be hard to beat either of the first two stories.
The third man steps up and says, "So I'm in a refrigerator..."
Delboy99
Dam
A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar
He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s drinks until we close tonight.”
The man thinks about it for a little while before declining the challenge. The bartender asks the man “Why?”, and the man responds “The stakes are too high.”
Delboy99
Dam
An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
Delboy99
Dam
A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.
He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. “We wanted to get into the holiday spirit and cheer things up.”
“I like that..... what’s that sound I hear? It sounds like bells jingling or something.”
“That? Oh, our head chef wanted to put them on all our frying pans... look: that’s the jingle bell wok!”
Delboy99
Dam
After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.
He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.
All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers: before he left, he dropped a pair of white loafers at the shop to be repaired.
Happy about the thought, he comes inside, thinking that maybe the shop owner is still working and remembers about him?
Indeed, the same guy, with a few more wrinkles and white hair, welcomes him. The visitor asks:
"You won't believe me, but I was your client 25 years ago. If I recall correctly, I left a pair of shoes before I had to leave the country. You wouldn't still have them by any chance?"
The guy scratches his head.
"Aren't they white shoes?" He asks.
"Yes!"
"Let me check my storage."
From the back of the shop, he shouts:
"They are loafers, right?"
"Well yes!!"
"With blue stitches??"
"Oh my god, yes!"
"Size 9.5?"
"Exactly! I can't believe it. Can I have them?"
"They'll be ready on Tuesday!!"
Delboy99
Dam
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
