• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."​


Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

R/jokes​


Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

It's two o'clock in the morning..​


and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello... How the hell do i know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

My blonde friend Charlene phones me up to ask for help with her jigsaw puzzle​


I said "Surely, you can manage a simple jigsaw puzzle without needing help?"
She said "No honesty, it's really hard. The pieces are quite similar. I've been working on it night and day for a week and I've got nowhere"
I said "what's the picture of?"
"She said "It's a cartoon chicken."
I said "Well that doesn't sound like it could be that difficult."
She said "Are you coming over to help me or not?"
I said "Okay, I'll be there within the hour"
I caught a train and then a taxi. Finally I buzz her apartment. She answers and lets me up. I take the elevator up. I walk up to her apartment, she's already there with the door open.
"Follow me" she says and leads me to her dinning room table.
"Well Mister clever clogs? Now you try and finish the jigsaw puzzle."
I said "Charlene put the box of Kellogg's cornflakes down";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.​


"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.

"Listen, pal..." says the agent.

"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" exclaims the dog.

"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the agent.

"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"

"Ruth!" barked the dog.

"Okay, that's it!" says the agent, and forces the man and the dog out the door.

Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says


"Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"​


"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!' ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby​


It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more… ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...​


She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to £121.85", said the clerk.

"How come so much. I only bought 5 items?"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too".;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.​


Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter​


The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A drunk is walking down the beach.​


He finds a magic lamp and a genie pops out.

“You have three wishes” says the genie.

“I want a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry” says the drunk.

Poof! The drunk is holding a bottle full of whiskey. He stands there and guzzles it, and when he looks down it is still full. <br>
“What are your other two wishes?” Asks the genie.

“I’ll just take two more of these.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...​


One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East and went through the history and details of the situation. The genie said, ” that's too tall of an order. I’m good but not that good! Do you have another wish?” Bill replied," Well, Hillary wants to be president and I would sure like to be back in the White House, so how about making Hillary the most respected, charismatic and beautiful woman on earth? That would for sure get her elected." The Genie thought for minute and said, “let me see that map again.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.​


One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the ‘thing’ sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady:

“There’s no justice in the world!“

The other old lady asked what she meant.

She replied: “Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.“

“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.“

“Now I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m too old to squat!“;)
 

retriever

Gelding
Saddam -v- Paddy

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Paddy down the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. Oi am ringing te inform yer that we're officially declaring war on yer." ... "Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Roight now," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight." ... Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy that I've got one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." ... "Begorra!", said Paddy. "Oi'll have to ring ye back!"

Sure enough the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" ... "And what equipment do you have?", Saddam asked. ... "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's auld tractor." ... Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I've got 6000 tanks and 4000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke." ... "Saints preserve us!", said Paddy. "Oi'll have tae git back t' yer."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We've managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us!" ... Saddam was silent for a minute, cleared his throat then said, "I must tell you Paddy that I've got 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" ... "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!", said Paddy. "Oi'll have to ring yer back."

Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' Mr. Hussein! Oi am sorry to tell yer that we've had to call the war off." ... "I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" ... "Well," said Paddy, "after a long chat over a few pints with me mates, there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.
 

Delboy99

Mare

A mortician was working late one night.​


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz", the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity".
So, he removed it. Stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase."
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings​


Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.;)
 
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