• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

Going out to dinner​


Joe and Kamala went to a diner to get a bite to eat. A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your order?"

Biden says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

She turns a little red and say, "Sir, with you running for president I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the MENU!"

As she walks away Kamala leans over and says, "Joe, its pronounced quiche.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.​


Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.​


“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ...";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.​




Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands until he let go. He fell in some bushes, and was still alive, so I grabbed my fridge and lifted it over the edge so it would fall on him. And after all that heavy lifting, I died of a heart attack.

“Oh that is terrible”, said St Peter as he turned to the next man, “what about you?”

Man 2: well I was on my 25th floor balcony doing some yoga and I fell over the edge! I was hanging on by just my fingers when I saw a man coming over, I was so relieved! But then he started hammering my fingers and I fell in a bush. I was alive but very sore. He then threw a fridge over the edge on to me, and here I am”

“That is just terrible,” said St Peter. “What about you?” He asked man number 3.

Man 3: “Well I was hiding in a fridge” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A Beaver Story​


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never

misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in
a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead

of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed
it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
'bang, bang.'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.​


In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.​


On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Carson, the boxer!” She exits the shower with a towel and opens the door.

“Great news! I won this morning’s fight!” He says.

“Oh congrats! See you tomorrow!” She answers. She gets back in the shower.

She hears the doorbell ring again, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Marcel, the football player!” She exits the shower with a towel and opens the door.

“Great news! My team and I won today’s match!” He says.

“Oh congrats! See you tomorrow!” She answers. She gets back in the shower.

So much good news in one day, incredible! In the shower, she hears the doorbell ring for the third time, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Eddy, your neighbor!”

Knowing that Eddy is blind, she exits the shower without a towel, since it’s unnecessary.

She opens the door:

Eddy says with excitement, “Great news! I can see now!”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

The Story of a Man and his Chicken​


Back in the before-times, people were allowed to go to these things called "movies". This one guy wanted to bring his pet chicken to one of these movies, but unbeknownst to him, chickens weren't allowed in the theater. So, distraught, the man headed home with his chicken.

But on the way, he was struck with an idea! He ducked into an alley and stuffed his pet chicken down his pants, believing he could sneak it into the theater. His plan worked flawlessly and he was able to walk into the theater, taking the only seat left next to two old ladies. And when the theater darkened, he quietly unzipped the fly of his pants and let his pet chicken stick it's head out to watch the movie.

One of the old ladies, noticing something strange happening next to her, leans over to her friend. "Ethyl," she whispers.

Ethyl quickly shushes her, but finally relents. "What is it, Dorothy?" she whispers back. Dorothy points over to the man with the chicken and Ethyl rolls her eyes. "So what? You've seen one, you've seen 'em all!"

Dorothy looks over again and whispers back, "I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.​


The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying to start something." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.​


The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.

The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.

**Host** Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.

The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.

**Host** You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.

Just don't try to start something....;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.​


The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you £20 that the guy jumps."

The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
The blonde turns to the man with a somber expression and says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump again.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.​


Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

*snorts loudly in laughter​


It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"​


"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”​


Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?” ;)
 
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