Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

[Delboy99]

[Georgia] was walking around all month, holding our her little finger as a hint, see. I got the message. So I got her a nail clipper!

 

[Delboy99]

..... a few from the old Grouco Marks.

 

[Delboy99]

“Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”​

 

[Delboy99]

. “Beyond the Alps lies more Alps. And The Lord Alps those that Alps themselves.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“Gentlemen: If you continue to print slanderous material about me, I shall feel compelled to cancel my subscription.”​

 

[Delboy99]

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.”​

 

[Delboy99]

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

 

[Delboy99]

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

 

[Delboy99]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

 

[Delboy99]

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

 

[Delboy99]

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

 

[Delboy99]

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

 

[Delboy99]

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

 

[Delboy99]

I intend to live forever, or die trying.