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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

President Johnson’s daughter’s wedding​


  • Luci Bird’s wedding was really nice, though. She came down the center aisle and the choir sang, “Oh Promise Me“. And the President was behind saying, “He’d better.”
  • It was an interesting wedding, though. All those Democrats throwing old shoes at the bride and groom, and the Republicans trying them on.
  • You know what I think? I think every public official should have a daughter to marry off. That way, they can see what it’s like to spend their own money for a change.;)
 

Married life for the President’s daughter​


  • You know, I wonder what it would be like to be married to be married to the President of the United States’ daughter. After their first quarrel, she goes home to her father, and he goes to Leavenworth.
  • And what he’s gonna have to do is get used to her cooking. Can you imagine for breakfast, oatmeal and barbecue sauce?
  • And you know, when I got married to Georgia, she set her first cooked meal in front of me, and it was right there and then I realized a woman’s work is never done..
  • Hey, how about that wedding cake they had at the President’s, his daughter’s wedding. A great big thing, you know. They had three figures on the top: the bride, the groom, and a secret service man.
  • Can you imagine what that’d be like if we married and go on a honey moon, see, a voice says “Move over,” and he says, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am”?
  • Did you see the tough time they had cuttin’ that big cake, you know? It was a Texas cake, it was made out of stucco and adobe. And she stood there and she was feeding Nugent this cake, see? And he was <chewing> and he spit it out. Now he’s a Republican and she’s a Democrat. They can shove that stuff down their throat, but that don’t mean you gotta swallow it!;)
 

Wedding ceremony​


  • At the wedding ceremony, the preacher says all these long words, and asks the woman, “Dost thou take this man?” and she says, “Yes”. He asks the groom, “Wilt thou take this woman?” and he says, “Yes”. Already, she’s dustin’ and he’s wiltin’!;)
 

Wedding in France​


[In France, Red was walking by a wedding. He explains to the audience that “Je ne sais quo” means “I don’t know”.]. There was this 60 year old man, and he was marrying this 20 year old girl. And …. I said to a fellow standing there, “Who’s getting marries?” “Je ne sais quo.” So the next day I go by this same church, and they’re having a big funeral. I says, “Who’s dead?” “Je ne sais quoi”. “That’s what he gets for marrying that young girl!”;)
 

Celebrity weddings​


  • But wasn’t it a wonderful summer, though, for romance, you know? I went to Sinatra’s wedding. Yeah, it was kind of cute you know, the wedding, it was. They finally got her thumb out of her mouth long enough to get the ring on the finger. [Eenie Meenie Minee Schmo]
  • Frank’s having trouble with her already … she’s teething.
  • Isn’t that awful? Go to a guy’s wedding, eat his cake, and then talk about his wife.
  • But everybody this summer got married, it seemed like. Frank Sinatra got married, Luci Bird Johnson got married. Zsa Zsa Gabor is the only one that stood pat.
  • And the guys that are getting married, the ages difference, you know. How about that Supreme Court justice, Douglas? Yeah. I got an idea she’s gonna teach him justice.;)
 

Army jokes​


  • I could have been an officer in the Army, but they never came around the guard house to see the good work I was doing.
  • I’ll never forget, I used to say, “Why do we have to get up at 5:00 in the morning?” The sergeant says, “To beat the enemy.” I says, “I don’t want to beat him. I’ll get up when they do.”
  • We had a wonderful outfit I was with. We had one guy that was an expert in gas. He was the cook.
  • When I was taking my basic training in Camp Roberts, we were on this bivouac. And I’m standing out in the middle of this field, and the lieutenant yells to me, “Skelton! Get out of the middle of the field! You want to get killed?” I says, “What?” He says, “We’re simulating that the enemy is on the top of that hill!” I says, “Oh, they’ll never get me, sir. I’m simulating I’m behind a big rock.”
  • did you notice the new
TV shows are all about funny wars? I served 22 months in the military and I never realized how much fun I was having!;)
 

Women in the Army​


Army General Lucille Knock to Willy Lump Lump - I know garbage when I see it! in How to make a salad


  • But you know, when I look at some women, I think of great battles that have been fought. You know, didja ever stop to think of Gina Lollobrigida – Bunker Hill! Sophia Loren and Audry Hepburn – The Merrimack and The Monitor! Kate Smith – the Battle of the Bulge! Phyllis Diller …. Valley Forge. Barbara Streisand – the Little Bighorn!
  • Can you just see Phyllis Diller in the Army? Wouldn’t that be something? She’d scare the enemy to death! They’d think, “Look, they got a new deadly weapon! It’s charged with electricity — it must be, look at the hair standing on the end.”
  • And can you just see some of the guys up in the front line, and all of a sudden they hear, “Oh …. oh … oh!” And they guy says, “I’m gonna crawl over and see what that is.” He comes back, they says, “What was it?” He says, “An eight pound boy.”
  • Oh, they drafted some women, see, three women, and they took them in to give them crew haircuts. And they start screaming, “No, not my hair, not my beautiful hair! We just came back from the hair dresser, oh my hair …”. And on further examination, they found out they were three men … three men draft dodgers!
  • And they say to one lady, we’re going to put you into the Infantry. She says, “Oh, that’s fine – I love children.” (How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down in The Dump?););)
 

Red Skelton was in the Army​


  • Hey, when I was in the Army, they had girl soldiers. I remember they had one beautiful blonde WAC. She came up to me, she said, “I just got a weekend pass, how about us doing something really exciting?” I said, “Okay, let’s go down on Main Street and watch the parking meters expire.” And she says, “They call me a whack!”
  • Hey, you know when I was in the Army, I was up at Camp Roberts doing my basic training, and one day there was an officer came out of the Red Cross field house there, see, I didn’t know who the guy was. So he walked right by me, he says, “Just a moment, private. I saw you didn’t salute me.” I says, “Well, I didn’t know I was supposed to. I saw you coming, thought you was a field worker.” He says, “A field worker! Do you see those three stars on my shoulder? You know what that means?” I said, “You got three boys in the service?”
  • I went into the Army for three reasons myself: I was patriotic, I love freedom, and they come and got me!
  • There was one guy I was gonna tell you about up in Camp Roberts. He would walk around all the time, and every time he sees a piece of paper he’d look at it, say “That ain’t it”, find another piece of paper, “that ain’t it”. Every time he sees a little piece of paper, “that ain’t it.” So one day, a general came by and saw this guy, says, “He’s nutty, he’s a fruitcake, they’ve got to get him out of here.” So they take him up, they give him his discharge papers. He looked at it, he said, “That’s it!”;)
 

Induction Center​


  • Hey, but when you go down …. Anybody going to be drafted into the Army or the Navy? When you get to that induction center, boy, don’t clown around. I did, they gave me one of those little cards that you put over one eye, and I said, “Peekaboo!” He says, “No, 1-A.”
  • I walked into the Induction center, and they said, “Look what the wind blew in.” It’s not the wind, it’s the draft!;)
 

Psychiatrists in the Army​


  • Did you hear the story about the two psychiatrists out play golf? And one of them missed the putt, about three feet, see, and he says, “Aw, nuts.” The other guy says, “Let’s not talk shop.”
  • And the questions they ask the little guys when they go into the service. Like, they said there’s one little fella going into the Navy, he says, “Do you know how to swim?” He says, “Why? Are they running out of boats?”;)
 

Other birds​


  • They were waiting for their friend, the sparrow. The little sparrow comes in, he didn’t have a feather on him. Comes in walking people-towed. He says, “What happened?” The sparrow says, “Oh, you’ll never believe it. I was flying too low over London and I got into the damnedest badminton game you ever saw.”;)
 
Heathcliffe: Did you hear what happened to Cleopatra the Canary? She flew in the meat grinder. Gertrude: She flew in the meat grinder? For heavens sake, what came out? He said: Shredded Tweet.;)
 
Gertrude and Heathcliffe: You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I’d be a stork, deliver babies, and make a lot of money. Gertrude: No, storks deliver babies, but it’s doctors who have the big bills!;)
 
Gertrude and Heathcliffe, two seagulls. Heathcliffe: “Say, did you hear that Buzzy the Bee is known as the Don Juan of the insect world?” She says, “No! Why is he known as the Don Juan of the insect world, old Buzzy the Bee?” “Because everywhere he goes, he gets a little honey.”;)
 
I saw a guy up on the freeway have an accident, and the ambulance came and the doctor jumped out, and he looked at the guy and said, “You’ve got a broken leg. You want that wrapped as a gift?”;)
 
There was one little teenager came up to my door, and he says, “Mr. Skelton, for a dollar I can promise you that on Christmas there will be forty boys with changing voices to sing Christmas carols on your lawn. And for five dollars I can promise you that they won’t!”(;)
 
A little kid talking to Santa Claus: “Boy, Santy Claus, you sure got a good sense of humor! Last year I said to you, I want something I can pet, something that I can share with all the kids in the neighborhood, something that will crawl all over me that I can call ‘Spot’. And you did it! I got chicken pox.”;)
 
Two more kids are talking. One of the kids says, “I just wrote a letter to Santy Claus. I think I’m going to have a pretty lousy Christmas, because all I can spell is Rat, Cat, Hat, and Bat.” The other kid says, “Well, all I know about that old bloodshot blimp is he brings you things according to how good you have been.” The other kid says, “Really? Boy, I got a feeling all I’m gonna find in my socking this year is my foot!”;)
 
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