• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...​


So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and asked the waiter “why is there a piece of string hanging out of your fly.” The waiter replied “when we go to the toilet it saves us from washing our hands as we can hold our bits with the string”. Then the man asked “and how do you put it back in”. The waiter replied “with a spoon of course.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you £5000 as an apology.​


A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshit, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin to eat, please"

Waiter: "Give us just a moment." The waiter leaves to the kitchen.

As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he's going to get an easy £5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else. At this moment, the waiter returns.

Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, "Apologies sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?"

The man is stunned. He didn't think they'd get to this moment.

Man: "Uhhh......An Indian elephant is fine."

Waiter: "Thank you." The waiter goes back to the kitchen.

1 minute later, the waiter returns again.

Waiter: "And which side did you want the ear from?"

The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.

Man: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........Left ear, i guess........"

Waiter: "Splendid." The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.

The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.

5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and £5000 for the man.

Waiter: "Here is your order sir. Sorry, but we are out of muffins for today.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A whole load of Bull!

There is a man who goes to a spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He sits down and looks at the menu. The waiter then comes over and asks what he will have. The man once again looks down at the menu and spots “meatballs de toro”. The man decides to have these.
Later, the waiter comes back out with these two massive steaming meatballs on a nice place of spaghetti. The man eats them up and they are delicious.
Weeks later, the man goes back to the same restaurant after another bull fight and gets the meatballs again. Like last time, two massive steaming meatballs come out and they are amazing.
The third time this man comes to the restaurant after a bull fight, he orders the meatballs still. When they come out, these two scrawny, tiny meatballs come out on the plate and the man asks the waiter why they are so small.
The waiter says “Oh Senor, the matador, he don’t always win”.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.​


So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A priest, doctor, and engineer are golfing​


They are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimes in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest says, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He says, “Hey Bob, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenkeeper replies, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group falls silent for a moment. The priest says, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “I’m going to contact the ophthalmologist community and see if there’s anything there can be done for them.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.​


“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take it and then come back and see me next week.”

One week later, the man returns to the doctor’s office. “What did that medicine do to me, doc?! My farts smell horrible now!”

The doctor says, “Well, it looks like that medicine cleaned up your sinuses. Now let’s get you a hearing aid.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.​


All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, I’m shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient” ;)
 
Last edited:

BC

Yearling
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a hog, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a stunning woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in, and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was gorgeous and very persuasive. Being shaken and weak, I agreed but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place, which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile while unbuttoning her blouse, exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’d ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

:prankster:
 

Delboy99

Mare

A woman goes for a Covid-19 test while her husband waits at home and nervously awaits the results.​


Two days later, the test result comes back as positive. The doctor said to her husband, "The result of the test is positive but unfortunately, we've had your wife's test confused with someone else's. We're not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or dementia."

"What should I do?" asks her husband.
The doctor replies, "Take her out for a very long walk, then abandon her there. If she finds her way back home, don't let her in". ;)
 

BC

Yearling
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,"
replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried, "£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
 

Delboy99

Mare

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"​


The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.” ;)
 
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