• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:​


Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The grandfather agrees and then the boy says:

I take them off the ground, apply varnish, wait for them to dry and then put them back on.

The grandfather nods happily and finds it fair, pays the boy and leaves.

The next day the boy is playing in the garden, his grandfather approaches him once again and this time gives him $ 100.

The frightened boy immediately says: But Grandpa, you already paid me yesterday.

The grandfather promptly responds. oooooh noooo boy, this is from your grandma.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”​


“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man goes to his doctor and says that he's half deaf..​


After examining the man the doctor couldn't find anything wrong. He told the man he was going to try something unusual. He directed the man to go to the end of the hall, listen for the number the doctor yells and repeat it back to him.

The man makes his way out to the end of the hall and shouts in "I'm ready. Tell me the number!".

"Okay." the doctor said, "44!"

"22!" said the man. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"​


"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.​


At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. ‟All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, ‟But what’s the dollar for?”
‟Well,” she said, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ’Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”​


“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.​


The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

r>The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.


The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."


Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.


"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.​


The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.""Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A farmer needs another workhorse for his farm, so he looks in the classifieds and finds a horse for sale.​


He calls the number, and an old Italian man answers. He says, "yes the horse is for sale but he no look-a too good." The farmer says, "I don't care what he looks like, he's just gonna help me out around here. I'll be there at 5 to get him."

The farmer pulls up with the trailer, pays the old Italian, who loads the horse into the trailer. He gets home, and lets the horse out of the trailer and it just stands there. He tries to lead it to the stable, but it won't move, it's frightened. Finally, the farmer figures out that the horse is blind.

Furious, he calls the old Italian, "you sold me a blind horse! Why didn't you tell me it was blind?!"

The Italian says "I did. I told you 'he no look-a too good.' ";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

At the Airport check-in...​


Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you guys nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Husband: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Three guys on the airplane, on their way home​


I translated this joke from danish, hope you like it

So three guys were on the airplane, on their way home from vacation.
Suddenly one of the guys begins throwing knives out the window.
The others ask: “Why are you throwing knives out the window?”
He answers: “Because I have so many at home.”
Then the second guy begins throwing forks out the window.
The others ask: “Why are you throwing forks out the window?”
He answers: “Because I have so many at home.”
Then the last guy begins throwing bombs out the window.
The others ask: “Why are you throwing bombs out the window?”
He answers: “Because I have so many at home.”

On their way home from the airport they meet a crying boy.
They ask him: “Why are you crying?”
He says: “Because I got a knife in my eye.”
They quickly walk away, and continue on their way home.
Then they meet a crying girl.
They ask her: “Why are you crying?”
She says: “Because I got a fork in my eye.”
They continue walking, and come across a laughing boy.
They ask: “Why are you laughing?”
He answers: “Because I farted, and then my neighbours house blew up!”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A guy comes back after a vacation...​


He's in the airport when the custom agents stopped him.

"Sir, open the bag" said the agents.

The man obliges and opens the bag, revealing clothes, hygiene products and a small bottle of transparent liquid.

"What is this, sir?" asks one of the agents.

"Lourdes Holy Water, sir." he answers.

The other agent doesn't believe him, he opens the bottle and sniffs it, before saying:

"Hey, this is vodka!"

The man throws himself on the ground, hands in the air shouting: "IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!";)
 

Samacas

Mare

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says​

“please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”​

Her neighbour asks,​

“What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”​

The little silver-haired lady says,​

“According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”​

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.​

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.​

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,​

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”​

He takes her hand and says,​

“Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh​

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”​

 

Delboy99

Mare

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides​


A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides​


A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......​


The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one, "I still have my wife!";)
 

BC

Yearling
I've just had an email from my bank. Just before signing off, it said, "Finally, a reminder that face coverings are required by law to be worn inside bank branches, unless you are legally exempt."

Don't times change.

It was only five years ago that I was arrested for wearing a face covering inside a bank.

I wonder if we'll be allowed to bring a sawn-off shotgun in too, soon.
:thinking:


As I recall, they also frowned on that at the time.
 
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