Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

[BC]

A rabbit walks into a pub...​

I just knew it was going to be awful. Yet I still dutifully read it all to the end. Why? Why did I do that? Why?.. why?.. why?..

 

[Delboy99]

I just knew it was going to be awful. Yet I still dutifully read it all to the end. Why? Why did I do that? Why?.. why?.. why?..

..... a joke is a fine art, keep em dangling on a string!

 

[Delboy99]

A lion would never cheat on his wife​

But a Tiger Wood!

 

[Delboy99]

Walking through the jungles of Africa, a man comes across a pygmy standing next to a ferocious dead lion.​

So the man approaches the pygmy and asks him, " Did you kill that lion ? "

"Yes", says the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

Impressed by the tiny fellow, the man exclaims, "Wow! How big is your club ?"

The pygmy looks up at the man and says, "There are about ninety of us."

 

[Delboy99]

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.​

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thing the zebra does is look for the most serious animal. He walks up to a tortoise and asks, “Hey tortoise, I’m holding a competition and all you have to do is sit there and laugh if you find an animal to be funny. Will you do it?” The tortoise responds, “...Yes.”

The day of the competition arrives and all The animals have gathered to compete. Since this is for the lion, the zebra decides to raise the stakes to ensure every animal delivers their full potential. He says, “Animals, your goal is to make the tortoise laugh. If you are able to do so, you win and get to perform for the lion. If you fail to make the tortoise laugh, then you will be killed and become the lion’s meal.”

The competition begins and up first is the monkey. He jumps from tree to tree, does flips, and makes funny noises. The zebra becomes pleased and looks at the tortoise and asks what he thinks, to which the tortoise says, “...” Since there is no reaction from the judge, the monkey is killed.

Up next is the ostrich. He runs around in circles and is moving his long neck. He jumps and does funny moves. The zebra is once again pleased and turns to see the reaction of the tortoise, which once again is, “...” So there’s nothing the zebra can do and they have the ostrich killed.

This pattern goes on with many of the funniest animals and the zebra becomes worried that they won’t have someone for the lion’s party. All of a sudden the next animal approaches, the hippopotamus. The zebra knows that he won’t be able to perform any fun tricks and just as he’s about to have him killed, he hears a chuckle from the tortoise. That chuckle turns into full blown roars of laughter. The zebra is bewildered and asks the tortoise, “Hey what’s so funny? He hasn’t done anything! He is literally just standing there!”

The tortoise responds, “HAHA, wow that monkey was hilarious!”

 

[Delboy99]

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.​

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture towait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? " asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion! " he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose? "

 

[Delboy99]

How do Vikings send secret messages?​

Norse code!

 

[Delboy99]

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.​

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

 

[Delboy99]

Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside...​

Which read: You got no new messages.

 

[Delboy99]

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.​

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

 

[Delboy99]

What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur?​

Jurassic Pork.

 

[Delboy99]

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?​

Doyouthinkhesawus

What do you call a dinosaur with three eyes?

Seymour.

 

[Delboy99]

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...​

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on my moustache."

 

[Delboy99]

03:00 doorbell​

Ding-dong, Ding dong! I rolled over to look at the clock: three in the morning.

"Oh no! Something terrible must have happened!" said my wife.

I dragged myself out of bed, fumbled around to find a robe, and went downstairs. I opened the door, to find a disheveled stranger.

"Hi there," slurred the stranger in a reek of beer. "Can you give me a push??"

"No!” I said in annoyance. “It's three in the morning. I was asleep,"

I slammed the door, and went back up to bed.

I explained to my wife, and she said "That wasn't nice of you. Remember that night we stalled in a snowstorm collecting the kids from the babysitter, and you knocked on a door to ask for a boost? What would have happened if he'd slammed the door on us?"

"But this guy is drunk," I said.

"It doesn't matter," said my wife. "He needs our help and it’s the right thing to do."

So I got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs.

I opened the door, and peering out into the dark, I called "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And I heard a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still unable to see the stranger I shouted, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replied, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[Delboy99]

A blond on a cabin getaway (long)​

A blonde a brunette and a redhead find themselves stuck in a snowstorm on what was supposed to be a charming cabin getaway.
Upon running out of food, the redhead decides she will venture out into the storm to search for something to eat.
Later that night she returns with a rabbit. The other girls are very excited and ask "How did you get this?"
"Easy, found tracks, followed tracks, nabbed a rabbit."
Days later they next send out the brunette who returns later that day with a turkey.
"How did you get this?"
"Easy, found tracks, followed tracks, nabbed a turkey."
When that had run out it was the blondes turn to go and forage.
She returned later that day, covered in blood and bruises. She had a broken leg and had only barely managed to drag herself back to the cabin.
The other girls were very concerned and asked the blonde, "How did this happen?"
"Found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train"

 

[Delboy99]

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard​

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "father, father I'm cold!" so the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "is that better sister?" he asks. "yes father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with "father I'm still cold!" so once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better sister?" he asks. "Oh yes father, that's much better," she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of "Father, father I'm just so cold!" The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative," OK father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married." So the father replies, "Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.

 

[pawras]

 

[pawras]

 

[Delboy99]

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....​

She askes the man watering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"
The woman, somewhat embarrassed, told the man that her tomatoes weren't doing very well so she would try it.

A few weeks later, the man sees the woman walking down the street.

"Excuse me, miss" he said, "Did you try my technique?"

"I did" she replied

"Well, how did it work?"

Disgruntled she replied "Absolutely NO change in my tomatoes!"

Her face then turned to happiness

"But I've got the biggest cucumbers you've ever seen!"

 

[Delboy99]

Just put an electric fence around my garden..​

My neighbor is dead against it.