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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Man goes on holiday to Italy​

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed to be nice.”

The barber replies, “Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago, it pissed down with rain every day we were there.”

The guy says, “Well, I hear the food is nice.”

The barber laughs. “When me and the wife went, the stuff they gave us was almost inedible.”

The guy says, “Um, well, we’d really like to see the Roman architecture.”

“You’ll be lucky,” says the barber. “They’re doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can’t see a thing!”

Frustrated, the guy turns to him and says, “Okay mate, I’ll square it with you. The wife and I, we’re Catholic. And we’d really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope.”

The barber quickly answers. “Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter’s Square, we were crammed into it with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat… Honestly. Don’t go to Italy.”

A month passes and finally the guy returns to the barbershop and sits in the same chair.

The barber says, “Oh yeah, weren’t you the guy who was going to Italy?”

“Yes I was,” replies the guy. “And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing. Secondly, the food… pizza, pasta… it was incredible. Thirdly… You said we wouldn’t be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astoundng to be so close to ancient history.”

“Ah,” says the barber, “but did you see the Pope?”

“Well yes,” admits the guy, “we did go to St Peter’s Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat… We were disappointed. But then! His bejewelled hands came over the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd. All the Catholics began murmuring. I was like, ‘What is going on?!’ Then the Pope came out into the square, flanked by his Swiss Guard and all of his top cardinals, and he began his way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was making his way in our direction, his hat bobbing through the people . Then suddenly, the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME! Then the Holy Father himself reached out and gently took my hand, and gazing upon me, he asked, ‘Who the FUCK cut your hair?’”
 

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays​

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting? There’s a shotgun behind the laundry door.” Guy comes back a couple of hours later, the father says “How was it?”

“That was amazing! Have you got any more dogs?”
 

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.​

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
 

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...​

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.
"It's all free," Peter replied. "We *are* in heaven, after all."

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"

"It's free!" came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"

"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.

"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
 

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…​

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
 

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"​

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
 
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