• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night;);)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A very sexually active young woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her outer labia reduced in size and shape.

Highly embarrassed, she insists on strict confidentiality, of course.

Awakening afterwards, she finds three red roses carefully placed on the pillow beside her.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon says her privacy is complete, saying, "One of the roses is from me because of you went through this all by yourself, and the second rose is from my nurse assistant because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Thats from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A group of racehorses in the stables after mucking out, full of oats and chattering away, winding each other up...

Boasts one, "I've won eight out of my last fourteen and over £11,000 in prizemoney."

A big grey breaks in, "Rubbish! In my last seventeen races, I've won eleven totalling over £38,000!!"

"Oh that's not too bad,I suppose, but I'm worth over £129,000 and have won or placed in twenty six out of my last thirty", says a very tidy mare, flicking her tail disdainfully.

At this point, they notice that an old greyhound has been sitting in the yard listening quietly, wagging its tail with its tongue hanging out, as they do.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last NINETY races, I've won eighty eight!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says the mare, after a hushed silence, "A talking dog!" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
DEDICATED TO ALL PERSONNEL AGED 60 AND OVER ON THIS FORUM. ;)

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie
'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines ti ed up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

> Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache,
> When the hips break,
> the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.) ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...​


The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he's talking about.

He asks the bartender to put some lively music on. Then he carefully sets the the biscuit tin on the counter. Then he gently places the chicken on top and then waits. The bartender stares in utter amazement as the chicken begins hopping and dancing about all over the biscuit tin lid.

"A dancing chicken?! Ha ha!! People will come from far and wide to my pub to see this amazing spectacle. I must have it. What do you want for it?"

"£300 and she's yours."

They make the exchange and the man leaves.

The bartender shouts up the road after him "How do I get it to stop?"

The man shouts back "Just open the tin and blow out the candle." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies​


They have all travelled on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and some fish were already cooked.

One of them asked, "how did you make it here already? I'm surprised the wife let you out."

He responded, "well boys, I was sitting in my recliner and she put her hands over my eyes and told me to stand up. When she took her hands away she was wearing some nice lingerie from Victoria's Secret. She pulled me by the hand to our bedroom which was kit with candles and rose pedals. She has been reading Fifty Shades of Grey. She pulled out some rope and handcuffs and told me to do whatever I want."

"And well boys, here I am." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night? ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Farmer John lived on a quiet, rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, Youve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.
"What do you want me to do?"
I dont care, said Farmer John. Just do something about these crazy drivers!
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign:
SLOW

SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said: Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster.
So again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW

CHILDREN AT PLAY


But that sped the drivers up even more! So, Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signboards.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, Sure thing. Put up whatever you want.
After that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriffs curiosity got the better of him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?
Oh, sure I did and not a chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. I'm very busy. He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself I had better go out there and take a look at the sign, it might be something WE could use to slow down drivers.So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, neatly painted on a sheet of plywood was Farmer Johns sign:

NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW
LOOK OUT FOR CHICKS ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
LIFE AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word, he made the first
contact, 'Judy .Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I
have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have
sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd
be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the
golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of
the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf
course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the
next day it starts all over again.'


'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.';)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.​


The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.


“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”


“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Elephant Never Forgets​


An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Twins​


A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."



The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave." ;)
 
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