• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare
So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.
Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door and yelling ‘Jesus Christ are you still in there?!’” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night! ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Here one for you when the wife/girlfriend/partner start to nag....

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds

like

an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road

hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he

could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly

coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without

thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize

there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve

approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where

through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror,

watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,

gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of

breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible

experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy

night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the

other.........




"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A sporty Scotsman attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters box,takes a few swings
and then hits a double.Everyone is on their feet shouting "RUN!!!"

The next batter hits a single.The Scot listens as the crowd again shouts "RUN!!!RUN!!!"

The next batter also hits a single,the Scot listens as the crowd
roars as a run scores,and cheers "RUN!!! RUN!!!".

He is enjoying the game so much he begins screaming with the fans.

The fourth batter steps up and four balls go by.The Umpire calls "Walk".
The batter starts his slow trot to the first base.The Scot stands up and
screams "Run ye lazy bast**d - rrrrun."

The crowd around him begin to laugh.Embarrassed the Scot sits down.

A friendly fan notes the Scots embarrassment,learns over and explains,
"He can't run----he has four balls".

The Scot stands up and screams ,"Take it easy, walk with pride,Laddie,walk with pride" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Bamboo

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

"Hey, you just shot my waiter!" screams the manager.

The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda – A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats shoots and leaves. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a country club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Quite naturally, everyone else in the room stops what they're doing to listen in.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now, and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $4000. Is it all right if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. There's one I really like."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "For that price, I want it with all the options!"

WOMAN: "Great! And one more thing . . the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well then go ahead offer them $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It's clearly a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye. I love you too." The man hangs up.


The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.


He smiles, and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)



"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand"!;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepare to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only goodnonce. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'



The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.' ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40
years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now
go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on--- ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
From she who must be obeyed !!!!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,

All Us Women ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Subject: Irish Alzheimers


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Subject: Fw: Old Jewish Man
A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner
before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?
He asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her
again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000;
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much..." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?". ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.
The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling, I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite My other eye.'
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy
removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now
realizes he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitoras a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into
that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.
But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here
and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!' ;)
 
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