• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead elephant, with
a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast
like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "We have about three hundred members." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the
genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me
vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew
really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic? ;)
 

Samacas

Mare
Just a quick one...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here……

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of The family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.
 
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Delboy99

Mare
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she
briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams
back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it an again the lid rises, and
he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies,
"Chicken Surprise."


"Ah !... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Guy goes into a cake shop. Points to a cake and asks the price. Baker says
"1 pound". Guy asks for several other prices and get the same response, 1
pound. Finally picks a cake and the baker says "That's two pounds,
please". Guy says "All the others are one pound".

"Ah", says the baker, "That's Madeira Cake" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

.......... and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast". ;)
 

SteveT

Gelding
A man was in hospital and every morning the nurse would come to check on him only to find he had shit the bed after a week of this the nurse was getting fed up with it so she said to him look if you can go the night without shitting the bed i will give you 200 cigs
that evening the man woke up only to find he had done it again and he thought to himself i really need those cigs so he began to pull it apart and roll it up into small balls then flicked them across the ward that morning the nurse came round and saw the bed was clean so she said well done here's your cigs
the man feeling guilty said no thanks give them to the bloke over there so the nurse went across and said to the man the gentleman in the bed oposite has asked me to give you these cigs
the man looked at her and said well if there anything like his fucking maltesers he can keep the bastards
 

SteveT

Gelding
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?
 

Delboy99

Mare
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio :-

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."



WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."



ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
An hour after going to bed after serving his riotous regulars at his bar, the bartender's phone began to ring...
"What time does the bar open?" asked a drunken voice on the other end of the line. "Eleven o'clock," snapped the bartender, as he slammed down the phone. A minute later the phone rang again, and the same voice asked, "What time did you say the bar opened?" "Eleven o'clock, dammnit, and you can't get in a minute before that." "Who wants to get in?" replied a little hurt voice, "I just want to get out..." ;)
 

markfinn

Sire
the great enthusiastic miss speaker David Coleman about whom the term Coleman Balls was termed

"He is one of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him."

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."

"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind."

"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62."

"And the line-up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

"The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel."

"The Republic of China: back in the Olympic Games for the first time."

"That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

"Forest have now lost six matches without winning."

"There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"He's seven seconds ahead and that's a good question."

"I think there is no doubt, she'll probably qualify for the final."

Some of his imitators
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around." - Terry Venables

"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one." - Jim White

"I can learn as much from Darius Vassell as he can from me - but he can learn more" - Andrew Cole

"I'd like to have seen Tony Morley left on as a down-and-out winger." - Jimmy Armfield

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years." - Martin Hodge
 

Delboy99

Mare
A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.
She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front of the line, she asked the cashier to guess her age.
The cashier said, "32."
"No, I'm actually 47."
After finishing her food, she took the train, and asked the man next to her to guess her age.
"Well, I'll have to feel up your skirt to answer that," he said.
The woman reluctantly agreed. After feeling up her skirt, he answered, "You're 47."
The woman was shocked. "How did you know?"
"I was behind you in the McDonald's line." ;)
 
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