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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.​

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.

“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”

“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”

The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.

The night after, the wife was downcast.

“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”

The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.

The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.

“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”;)

Duck walks into a pub...​

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road”explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquiries.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck

"That's right!" says the barman

The duck looks confused.

"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?";)

A circus owner walked into a bar.​

Everyone was standing around one table. He checked what was happening. He saw a dancing duck on an upside-down bucket, and the people loved that little show.

The circus owner himself was impressed. He decided to buy the dancing duck. After a few minutes of dealing, they settled for $25,000 for the duck and the bucket.

Next week the circus owner ran back to the bar. He was furious.

'The dancing duck is fake! I put him on the bucket before my whole audience, and he did not dance a single step!'

'And?' asked the duck's former owner, 'Did you forget to light a candle under the bucket?';)

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding​

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."

The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car."

As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?"

The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test.";)

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.​

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, follows along. Once again the good townsfolk are trying to make the elephant kneel and once again Jimmy steps up to deliver the painful blow and claim his reward.

By now the elephant's owner is getting concerned for his elephant's health, so he decides to change the act.

The next day Jimmy turns up but the owner stops him and says that now he has to make the elephant nod its head then shake its head to win the prize.

Jimmy walks up to the elephant and says, "Remember me?"

Elephant nods.

"Want me to do it again?";)

A man goes to an circus and he sees an elephant tamer and they start a conversation​

The elephant tamer asks: "How do you think I can fit one of these elephants in a take away bag?"

The man asks: "How do you fit an elephant in a take away bag?"

The tamer replies: "You take the 't' from 'take' and the "f" in away."

The man replies: "There's no 'f' in way!"

Exactly says the elephant tamer!;)

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.​

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' ;)

A penguin goes on vacation..​

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander around town."

The penguin stumbles across a drug store. He finds they sell ice cream and decided on a hot day (and being a penguin), that would just hit the spot so he orders a dish of vanilla ice cream which he has to eat with his beak because of his short arms.

He finishes up and goes back to the garage. The mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says "Oh that? That's just a little ice cream.";)

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.​

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the twice the cost of the drinks. Half covers the drinks, the other half is given that money again to the winner. Each person chooses their drinks ahead of time."

They all agree this.

Chuck Norris looks at the bartender, "I'll have a 2 oz. mix of spirits, hot sauce, and grenadine."

God looks at the bartender and says, "I'll have a tall glass of your finest wine."

Zelensky looks the bartender and says, "I'll have a gallon of Vodka."

The bartender passes around their drinks (having to raid his cabinets for Zelensky), and then calls out the first brag, "Who's the toughest guy here?"

All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter. All three look fine. Zelensky is even smirking after the whole gallon of Vodka. They all put their money on the counter.

The bartender calls out, "Who is the manliest guy here?"

All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter.

The bartender calls out, "Who can stare death straight in the eye and laugh?"

All three chug their drinks, and slam double the money on the counter. At this point, God is looking a little woozy.

The bartender calls out, "Who can stand next to those they care about, no matter what happens?"

Chuck Norris helps God back up after he slumped back down, blacking out, and after putting his own on the counter, shakes some of God's collection plate money out of his pockets and puts it on the table for him.

The bartender calls out, "Every man, woman, and child would enjoy being able to simply bask in their presence."

Chuck Norris puts down some cash, feeling both kinds of his burn at his drink, and looks over at Zelensky who looks completely unfazed, and his money in front of him.

The bartender calls out, "Who can actually back it up and it's not just bravado?"

Chuck Norris chuckles, "Sorry, bravado's my whole schtick, I'm out."

Zelensky frowns, "I really thought you two would stick out longer than that. I was hoping to make bank."

Chuck Norris shrugs, "Sorry, I'm just an actor. What are you going to do with the money? Buy a cool ride?"

Zelensky looks at Chuck, "I don't need a ride, I need more ammo."

The bartender looks at Zelensky, still in awe of the guy, "So... how can you drink six gallons of Vodka and not be fazed?"

Zelensky smiles, "Oh, I have an unexpected resistance to anything Russian.";)

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.​

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination just a few minutes later than planned." The boy is a bit annoyed hearing that the cramped, full flight will take any longer but is mostly just relieved that there's no serious danger and soon relaxes as best he can.

Some time later, a second loud boom violently reverberates through the plane. Again, it quickly fades back to the normal hum of the other engines running and the captain again comes on the speaker. "Folks, this is highly unusual having two engines die during a flight like this and apologize again for the fright it might have given any of you. You can rest easy as we can still quite safely fly the rest of the way to our destination with our two good engines although we'll be landing an hour or two later than scheduled," he calmly explains. The boy grows a little more annoyed and grumbles to himself some, but is still mostly relieved just to know they'll be okay.

After some more time, yet another thunderous pop echos through the whole cabin just as the boy had drifted off to sleep. He soon hears the familiar voice, "Greetings again everyone, we're so sorry for the scare. This situation is highly unusual but please know that we're absolutely fine getting to our destination on one engine. Unfortunately, this does mean that we'll be landing about 6 hours later than scheduled."

After hearing this, the boy can't help himself and yells in frustration. "What the hell?! If the fourth engine stops we're going to be up here all day!";)

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.​

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road.

After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says, "You know what Shamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder!";)

A man went to a strip club​

When he got inside he noticed an empty seat in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
r>A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. ‘Yeah baby! Shake those things.’ Our friend turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, calm down!’

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, ‘Oh baby! You're almost there!’ Our friend turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!’

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, ‘Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?’

The guy responded, ‘All over your back, dude.’;)

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!​

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "Well, through here is the kitchen, and as you can see with all the natural ligh---" "GREEN SIDE UP!" The contractor yelled out the bay doors.

He clears his throat and tells the client, "of course with the light coming in here naturally you don't want a high gloss finish. You'll have to wear sunshades every time you fix breakfast!" They both have a laugh and she shrugs it off and tells him that the room upstairs had given her the hardest time as she leads him to the stairs.

Once upstairs she starts to explain what she would *like* to see up there when he cuts her off, goes to open the window and yells "GREEN SIDE UP!! GREEN SIDE UP!!"

The client, having tolerated the outbursts until now exclaims, " I don't have any idea what you are thinking, yelling outbursts like this during a walk through of my new home. Very inappropriate, sir!"

The contractor sighs and shakes his head while rubbing his brows. He says to the client, "Madam, I cannot apologize enough I know it's improper and looks unprofessional but please understand. .."

"I have brand new crew laying the lawn turf for the landscaping next door and they're all Blondes.";)

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."​

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend.";)

The monocle joke​

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!";)

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.​

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you want to get in the back seat?” She smiles shyly, lowers her gaze and shakes her head no. But they get back to kissing.

After some more time, things are starting to heat up. He’s made it to second base, the windows are fogging, and again he asks “do you want to get in the back seat?” And again she says no.

A little while later, they’re practically half naked, things are getting HOT, and he asks again “hey! Do you want to get in the back seat?” And when she says no, this time he stops and sits back.

“Listen, I don’t know but it seems like you’re really enjoying this,” he says

“Oh, I am!” She exclaims, worried that they’ve stopped.

“And maybe I’m being forward but I’d like to take things to the next level,” he raises his eyebrows.

“Oh me too! I’d like that very much!”

He turns to face her directly and cries out in exasperation, “well then why don’t you want to get in the back seat??”

She looks up at him, tears welling in her eyes, brow furrowed in dismay and whispers…

“But I want to stay up here with you.”

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.​

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf and holds him to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Very nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?"

The dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but doesn't want to risk spoiling the sale

Again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth"

He says.

"Now. ..can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail, right into the lady parts.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that..."

"Can I see her wun awound?";)

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him​

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.;)