Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

[Delboy99]

An assistant to Donald Trump​

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

 

[Delboy99]

A man is flying a hot air balloon and thinks he's lost...​

so he gets closer to the ground and sees a man walking by. He calls down to him, "hey, do you know where I am?"

The man thinks for a second and says, "you're at exactly 58.2 degrees north by 48.7 degrees west, you're standing still now but your approach velocity was 5.1 m/s at an angle of 2.56 radians."

The balloonist replies, "huh, are you a statistician?" The man says "yes, how did you know?"

"Everything you told me was completely accurate, gave me way more information than I needed, and in a form that was totally useless to me!"

The man stares for a second. "Are you a lead scientist?"

The balloonist looks surprised. "Yes, how did you know that?"

The statistician replies, "you don't know where you are, you don't know where you are going, you got here by blowing hot air, you're still in the same place you were before, but now it's somehow my fault!"

 

[Delboy99]

...... eeeeeeeh!

 

[ALANST]

 

[Delboy99]

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.​

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

 

[Delboy99]

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison​

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence!

 

[Delboy99]

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years​

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers!

 

[Delboy99]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.​

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

 

[Delboy99]

Englishman, Welshman, Irishman and a Scotsman are taken prisoner and sentenced to death​

The captors say "you each get one final request and then you get a bullet in your head"


They turn and ask the Welshman what his final wish is and he says "I want 1000 men to sing "Land of my Fathers""


They turn and ask the Scotsman what his final wish is and he says "I want 1000 bagpipers to play "Flower of Scotland""


They turn and ask the Irishman what his final wish is and he says "I want 1000 dancers to perform the Riverdance"



They turn and ask the Englishman what his final wish is and he says "Shoot me first"

 

[Delboy99]

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate​

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate.
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I’m in prison for something I didn’t do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn’t wipe off the fingerprints from the murder weapon.

 

[Delboy99]

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.​

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

 

[Delboy99]

Hey, did you hear about the prison talent show?​

They had quite the captive audience.

 

[Delboy99]

Three political prisoners sit in a gulag prison...​

One of the men asks the other, "What are you in for?"

He responds, "I opposed Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"

The first man replies "I supported Comrade Popov in 1938. How about you?" he asks the third man

The third man says "I am Comrade Popov."

 

[Delboy99]

A man's son is about to return from prison.​

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a bible on a table in his living room. His wife notices him doing this and asks him what he plans to do with these things. The man explains by saying that this is a test to determine what our son will do in life. If he picks up the alcohol, he'll be an alcoholic. If he picks up the bible, he'll be a priest. If he picks up the gun, he'll be a gangster. If he picks up the wad of money, he'll be a businessman. The man hides behind the curtains in the living room and waits for his son to arrive. As soon as he walks through the door, he notices the four things on the table. He walks up to them, takes a swig of the alcohol, pockets the wad of money, puts the gun in his back pocket and picks up the bible and holds it in the other hand. As soon as the son begin begins to walk away, the father yells "Goddamnit, the boy's gonna be a politician."

 

[Delboy99]

Two prisoners have escaped today​

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

 

[Delboy99]

ooooh I agree!

 

[Delboy99]

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.​

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He managed to escape the lions by jumping over them and then climbing up a tree.

He was later arrested and charged with smuggling ill eagle goods over state lions for immortal porpoises.

 

[Delboy99]

The 3 Eagles​

There were 3 eagles chilling together, they were bored so they decided to challenge each other which of them can hunt the biggest prey.

So the 1st eagle flys away, half an hour later he is back with his beak stained in blood. The others ask what happened. And he says do you see that farmhouse over there , they acknowledged.
He says i found a chicken, killed it and ate it.

The 2nd go away to hunt, an hour later comes back with his full head stained. The Others ask what has he done, he replied, do you see that mountain over there, the confirmed, and he goes on telling them that he found mountain goat and did the same as the 1st.

The 3rd goes away. An hour passes, 2 hours, 3 hours later he comes back. With his full body stained in blood.


The others surprised that he seems to have found a massive prey they can't figure out what.
They ask him what prey could he possibly hunt that big.

He replies. Do you SEE that tree over theeeere.
They other look around then confirm asking him to continue.



............................. He replies, " WELL I DIDN'T".

 

[Delboy99]

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.​

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing."

"Anything, Your Honor," the hunter replies. "What is it?"

The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?"

The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor."

 

[Delboy99]

3 animals are accused of a terrible crime. Sally the pig, Juan the eagle, and Carl the otter. A famous detective is brought in to investigate. He interrogates all 3 suspects and immediately decides it’s not the pig. But why?​

It’s always Juan or the otter