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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.​


The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and his legless competitor looked behind them, they saw bubbles coming from the starting end.

They swam back to the starting end to rescue the head. As soon as the head had caught his breath, he said, "Thank goodness you saved me! All my life I've learned to swim using my ears, then the moment I'm finally on the starting block of a race, some idiot puts a bathing cap on me!";)
 

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.​


An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.

The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!";)
 

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!​


Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

Husband replied:
"I don't have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you."

Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us". Whom will you save ?

Husband replied: "Then you will surely die.... because I don't know to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first.";)
 

The Caller​


"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic. "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?";)
 

Everything's Big in Texas​


A man walks into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes it's the largest he's ever seen.

"Why is this so huge?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well everything's big in Texas!"

Then the man orders a cheeseburger, and this too is enormous.

"By God Man! Why is this so massive, I'll never be able to finish it."

"Well I told you already, everything's big in Texas!"

The man eats what he can but by the time he gets through the giant beer he is completely drunk and has to use the bathroom.

"Excuse me, where are the bathrooms?"

"Down the hall and to the left."

So the man staggers toward the bathroom and forgets which way the bartender said to go. He makes a choice at the end of the hall and wanders to the right instead. He steps inside and falls directly into the swimming pool and starts screaming, "Don't flush! Don't flush!";)
 

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.​


Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert.";)
 

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee​


He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world.";)
 

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf​


He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?";)
 

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.​


Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green.” The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, “Goddammit, I missed!”;)
 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.​


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm afraid the reason that group is a bit slow is that they are, in fact, a trio of blind firefighters. You see, last month they saved the clubhouse from a blaze and lost their vision in the accident. To show our thanks, we let them play for free whenever they'd like."

The priest replies: "My that's terrible! I'll be sure to say a prayer for them."

"What a tragedy!" says the Doctor, "I'll see if I can help them with their treatment."

After a moment of quiet, the Engineer finally speaks:

"Well for goodness sake, why can't they just play at night?";)
 

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.​


The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* section! He realizes the mens, with his street clothes, was a *right* at the entrance - in full view of the restaurant patrons. All he has is a towel, and knows he'd be mortified going in to lunch if he's seen running from the womens!
It strikes him: hide his head, not his privates, and he'll stay anonymous! He dashes across the entry to a chorus of hoots and laughter. "Well, he certainly wasn't *my* husband" says one well-dressed lady.
"Not mine, either," says another. A few more women attest to the same. Then an attractive young blonde stands and states:
"Why, he's not even a member of the Club!!";)
 

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.​


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.

She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit.";)
 

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.​


1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.;)
 

Some friends are out golfing when a phone rang​


One of them picks it up :

"Hey honey, it's your wife. Sorry for interrupting your game but I saw these amazing boots that costs $2k. They are on sale right now, can I have them ?"

"Of course ! Use my credit card."

"Thank you ! Also, I just saw that Mercedes has a new model and prices are incredibly low this weekend. So maybe we could get one ?"

"Sure, why not ? You know where my cheques are."

"Amazing ! Also about that home that we wanted last year ... They dropped the price by $100k so it could be a great deal ..."

"If you want it ... we can have it yes !"

"I love you so much ! You're the best husband ever !"

All the other golfers were shocked until Paul who went to have some rest came back asking : "Has anyone of you seen my phone ?";)
 

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.​


Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron.";)
 

A woman walked into the kitchen​


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.";)
 
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