• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.​


The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”

The man replies, “No.”

“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”

The man hops on the camel and says “Woah.” It starts walking. He says “Woah Woah.” It runs. He says “Woah Woah Woah.” The camel runs so fast the man has to pray to god to stop.

Now it’s a good thing he did that because the camel stopped right at the edge of a cliff. The man looked down the ravine with wide eyes and said “Woah!”;)
 

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.​


As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, just as he’s about to do the deed, the camel takes a step forward and the man falls, face first, into the sand. Ashamed, the man continues his journey, ever keeping an eye out for towns or cities on the horizon.

After a few more days, the man is feeling lonely once again and, against his better judgment, decides that he will try again to make love to his camel.

Once again, he pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the beast and, just like before, the stubborn creature steps forward at the least opportune moment, leaving the man lying face-first in the sand.

This goes on for a week, every few days the man trying to make love to the camel, and every time it taking a step forward, leaving him embarrassed and ashamed.

One day, just as he is about to make his fifth attempt, he hears a woman screaming off in the distance. He rushes towards the sound and discovers a woman buried in the sand, with only her head visible. She has silky, blonde hair and big, chocolate eyes and after weeks of isolation, the man thought that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“Help me! I’ve been trapped here for hours.” She says.

The man hurries himself digging and pulling until he has completely freed the woman from the sand. To his surprise, she is completely naked. Brushing the sand off of her body seductively, she smiles at the man.

“Thank you so much!” She says. “You saved my life and I insist on repaying you. I’ll do anything you want, absolutely anything, just ask.”

The man smiles excitedly. It seemed too good to be true, it was the moment he had dreamed of for weeks.

“Well if you mean anything,” he says nervously, “can you hold my camel?”;)
 

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..​


They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter of time before the two of us are standing before our maker."

The nun replied, "I understand father, but before we die, could you possibly indulge me in one last request?". The priest replied, "Of course! Anything you want!". To which the nun said, "Well, I've never seen a man naked before, and I would like to see, before I die."

The priest figured, since they were going to die anyway, why not indulge her? So the priest took off all his clothes, and stood naked before the nun. The nun had a long look at him before pointing between the priest's legs and asking, "Father what is THAT?"

The priest had to think of a tactful way to explain things to the nun, so after a little deliberation, he replied, "Well sister, I will explain it to you like this... If I were to put this inside of you, it would create new life."

The nun thought about this answer for a long time, and finally she got a huge grin on her face and said, "Well then! Why don't you stick it in the camel? Maybe we will get out of here!";)
 

A man was traveling through the desert on his camel​


The sun was shining hot and unforgiving and the man was sweating immensly.

"oh i cant bear this sun, its so hot"

Suddenly a guy on a bicycle drives past him with insane speed. The man on the camel is shocked and suprised how the man can drive so fast in this heat.

After an hour he arrives at an oasis and suddenly sees the guy on the bicycle sitting there. He goes over to him and asks:

"Hey i saw you driving past me, you were so fast! How did you do this? i can barely ride on my camel in this heat!"

"oh it's easy" the man says " i drive so fast that the wind is cooling me down, it's very nice and refreshing!"

"i have to try this too" the man sad and jumped back on his camel and let it walk faster. A small breeze was there. " oh that's nice, but it is still so hot."

So he orders his camel to run faster.

"Ah that's nice, but still warm."

He presses his camel to run even faster.

"Wow this is really refreshing and cooling,but i think there is more possible."

He presses his legs to order the camel to run even faster and faster and sees how cool it can get.

Suddenly after 10 mins the camel stops, drops and is dead.

"oh no", the man said ," it froze to death!";)
 

A rookie reporter gets his first interview with a guy who castrates camels.​


Not knowing where to start he asks: “how do you castrate a camel?”
The guy repsonds: “Well I take two large flat stones and slap them together.”

The shocked reporter asks: “Isn’t that a very painful ordeal?”

“No, you just have to make sure your fingers don’t get stuck inbetween those stones.”;)
 

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.​


First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they brought a half alive Elephant covered in bruises and blood.

Spetsnaz: Sorry we late, Camel hard find.
Judges: This is no camel, this is an Elephant.
Elephant: I am a Camel! I AM A CAMEL!;)
 

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan​


A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier explains sometimes they get lonely since there were no woman there, so they have the camel.

The lieutenant is appalled but being new he just lets it go.

After a few weeks he was feeling very lonely. So he takes the camel into his tent. It takes quite a bit of effort but finally he walks out, bruised and battered, but satisfied.

"Wow,” he says to the men, “that camel sure put up a fight! How do you guys do it?”

One of the men responded, "Well usually we just use the camel to ride into town.";)
 

A muslim man is riding a camel and his wife is walking​


A muslim man is riding a camel through the desert and his wife is walking on foot 10 m in front of him.

Another muslim man notices that and says: Don't you know that Holy book of Qur'an says that wife should always walk behind her husband?

The first muslim answers: when the book of Qur'an was written, there yet were no minefields, so keep walking, my beloved Fatimah!;)
 

Sandhog

Gelding
Very good as ever, Delboy99 Delboy99 !

Regarding "woah":
not a joke, but, strangely, "wo" means stop in Arabic, but, most of the men I worked with used to say "stop".
And, I don't know why, but, Russians seem to use the word "stop" for stop, too.

A nice easy word.

Yet in England, where the rules of boxing were drawn up, the refs used to say "break"; "stand back", but, not "stop".

And, with that, I'd better stop myself, or folks will be getting as confused as my betting! :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: BC
Very good as ever, Delboy99 Delboy99 !

Regarding "woah":
not a joke, but, strangely, "wo" means stop in Arabic, but, most of the men I worked with used to say "stop".
And, I don't know why, but, Russians seem to use the word "stop" for stop, too.

A nice easy word.

Yet in England, where the rules of boxing were drawn up, the refs used to say "break"; "stand back", but, not "stop".

And, with that, I'd better stop myself, or folks will be getting as confused as my betting! :)
..... well S Sandhog I have just learned something today thanks to your explanation. Maybe I would have trouble too in stopping my camel! Thanks for those kind words too!;)
 

Two ghosts were arguing...​


Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communicate with them properly.

Beginning to get frustrated, he turned away from the table and exclaimed under his breath,

"I'm going to have to find them a happy medium to get them to agree".;)
 

It was a tough Halloween this year..​


I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!";)
 

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies​


He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.

As he stood there, he starts to regret not checking the car before going on such a long road trip, when suddenly he hears a deep voice from the other side of the road, saying:

"*It's your spark plug wire.*"

The man gets startled, and asks: "*Who said that?!*", as he points the flashlight to where the voice came from. There it was, an enormous black horse standing on the opposite side of the road. The horse repeats:

"*It's your spark plug wire, it's disconnected.*"

Completely shocked, the man gets even more confused when he sees the disconnected cable. He reattached it, rushed to his seat and started the car, screeching away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar and asked for a double shot of whiskey. He drinks it in a single gulp, still trembling. A rancher sitting next to him notices the man's ashen face and asks: "*What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost.*"

"*You're not gonna believe it*" — the man replies — "*A talking black horse just fixed my car*". The rancher now looks just as surprised as the man, and says: "*I do believe you, my friend. As a matter of fact, you got very lucky*". Completely terrified, the man asks: "*Why?*". The rancher takes another sip of his beer and replies:

"*Because that horse is an accountant! He don't know nothin' bout cars!*";)
 

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"​


The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?";)
 

Two ghosts were sharing stories of their deaths.​


Juan asked first, "What killed you?"

"I was locked inside a fridge," Pedro said, "I was cold and trembling, then suffocated after an hour."

"That sucks man," replied Juan. "I got a heart attack and passed away."

"What happened?", asked Pedro.

"As I got home from work, I saw another man's shoes on our doorstep. I rushed to my wife's room and saw her naked and trembling. I was furious and searched the whole house. I checked the rooms, cabinets, kitchen, ceiling, everywhere, but I didn't see anyone!", answered Juan. "After searching, my chest was hurting and I had a heart attack."

"**DUMBASS!!!**", shouted Pedro, "If you opened the fridge and drank some cold water, we'd still be both alive!" ;)
 

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.​


"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to the people."

"I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones."

Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Go see a play.";)
 
Top