pawras
Stallion
I must have posted this one before, cracks me up every time
Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
- Thread starter anonamouse
- Start date
Delboy99
Dam
Sandwiches
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff.
The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?" The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
Delboy99
Dam
Never Text an Apology
THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently,
but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please
come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS:
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his
neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a
subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology
hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.
Delboy99
Dam
There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"
Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin to eat, please"
Waiter: "Give us just a moment." The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he's going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else. At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, "Apologies sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?"
The man is stunned. He didn't think they'd get to this moment.
Man: "Uhhh......An Indian elephant is fine."
Waiter: "Thank you." The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: "And which side did you want the ear from?"
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........Left ear, i guess........"
Waiter: "Splendid." The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: "Here is your order sir. Sorry, but we are out of muffins for today."
Delboy99
Dam
Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
Delboy99
Dam
Thanksgiving
An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman. Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."
It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:
She tiptoes up the stairs and into the bedroom. She carefully pulls back the waistband of her husband's jockey shorts and loads him up with warm turkey guts.
An hour later the woman hears him stirring. She hears his feet hit the floor and then the normal fart-laugh sequence. The laugh stops abruptly and is followed by a scream, and then 10 minutes of utter silence.
The man eventually comes down the stairs and says to his wife: "Honey, I owe you an apology. For years, you've been telling me that I was going to fart my guts out. Today it finally happened, but by the grace of God and these 2 fingers (raises soiled 1st and 2nd digit) I got 'em all back in and I'm gonna be OK."
Delboy99
Dam
A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.
When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"
"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts to stammer an apology, but Bill continues, "He's 82, still working, and is also in great shape! He's entering a weightlifting competition in August!"
"That's amazing," the doctor replies. "So then, how old was your grandfather when he passed?"
"WHAT?", Bill roars again, "Who said Grampa's dead? He's 109, runs Meals on Wheels for people decades younger than him, he owns a sailboat, and he's getting married to a 30 year old woman next month!"
The doctor is floored. "That's impressive, Bill." He pauses. "I still have a question though. Why would a guy who's 109 want to get married to a 30 year old woman?"
"HA!" Bill chortles. "Who said he WANTED to get married?"
Delboy99
Dam
Johnny’s email
A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning.
He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor’s kid, little Johnny.
It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from Little Johnny.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
Delboy99
Dam
The Nagging wife.Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?
Delboy99
Dam
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the dayMitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.
Delboy99
Dam
Joe the Carpenter
Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."
For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever questioned the quality of his work. He was the best and business was good.
In fact, it was so good that the other carpenters in town, jealous of his success, started to rename their stores to things like "Joe's Woodworking" and "Joe's furniture" in an attempt to steal his business.
Furious with his fellow carpenters, and more than a little hurt, Joe formulated a plan.
"I'll show them." Joe said, muttering to himself. "I'll go to the deepest part of the forest to find the best and most rare wood! Once I have it, I'll craft the most amazing piece of furniture ever built!!! I'll put it right outside my shop, so everyone knows who the rightful Joe is!"
Determined, Joe set off the next day at dawn. He went deeper into the forest than ever before, and then deeper still. After several days of hiking he came upon a clearing with three trees in the center. Amazed, he approached the trees with wonder; the wood was better quality than anything he had ever seen.
"They're magnificent, these are exactly what I needed!!" Joe exclaimed while reaching for his axe.
"Why thank you Joe." Said a gravelly voice. "We have watched you for some time."
"Uh... wh.. who's there?" Asked Joe, brandishing his axe and shaking with fear.
"We are the Ents of the forest Joe, we tend to all the trees throughout our domain." Said another voice, the same yet distinct from the first.
Joe looked up into the trees, trying to find the source of the voices. Gazing into the branches he saw what appeared to be faces in the bark of each of the trees... angry faces. Their eyes were smouldering red, and they had furious scowls that only gnarled wood could produce.
"You've been carving up our brethren Joe. YOU WILL SUFFER." Said the Ents in unison and they attacked Joe with all their fury.
"I didn't know!!! Please, spare me!" Cried Joe, but to no avail.
He was bludgeoned, scratched and beaten, but not defeated. Joe knew wood, he knew it well, and he had all the tools to chop down the toughest of trees. So he mustered his strength, and attacked with everything he had. Chopping, hacking, sawing, and breaking. All the while the Ents screamed at him with wild fury, seemingly possessed. Once Joe had gotten over his initial shock, he realized the trees were fairly slow, and it wasnt hard to avoid their attacks. Finally, after what seemed like days, the battle turned in his favor, yet the Ents continued their attack, even in the face of defeat.
"Please, just calm down." Joe said, exhausted. "I dont want to hurt you anymo-" A branch smacked him in the face, and he chopped it back. "STOP! You guys are living miracles, I dont want to kill yo-" Whap A small twig hit him right in the family jewels. Enraged and exhausted Joe's mind snapped.
"I said, CALM DOWN! chop CALM DOWN! chop CALM DOWN! chop" Every time he said calm down he chopped again and again with the axe, til nothing was left moving.
"There," he whispered with a crazed look in his eyes "you're calm now."
He started crying and whispering to the dead wood, begging it to talk again and apologizing while kissing the mangled branches.
"You're ok, you're just calm now. I'll take you back home my friends." Joe whispered maniacally.
For weeks Joe dragged the dead Ents back to Arge Oaks. With each passing day he fell deeper into madness, whispering to the wood.
When he finally returned to town, Joe rebuilt the Ents as much as he could and left them in front of his store. They were glorious works of art and the whole town gathered to ask Joe about his trees with faces.
"They aren't trees!" He snapped, his eyes roving crazily around. "They are ents, and they can talk!!"
The crowd looked around uncertainly.
"Well, why aren't they talking?" Yelled a man in the back.
"They are just calm." Said Joe, kissing a trunk and whispering madness. Unnerved, the crowd dispersed.
Joe kept making amazing furniture, better even than he used to, but he kept whispering to the ents and kissing them. Soon enough the people of the town stopped caring about his quirky way with the ents, "It's just part of his wood-working genius" they would say. Life got back to normal.
About a month later a rich land owner came to the small village to commission the famous Joe for a elegant table. Looking around the village he saw three separate carpentry stores with Joe in the name. Baffled, he asked a local where he could find the actual Joe.
The local raised an eyebrow and pointing towards Joe (who was stroking and kissing the rebuilt ents) the local said, "Here in Arge Oaks, everyone knows that' the real Joe kissin the calm ents."
Delboy99
Dam
Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.
And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers full of the grace of God and soft with feelings of charity. The beggars took full advantage of this mood. But nevertheless, when he took two steps out of the mosque and practically fell over the first beggar's outstretched hands, he was aware of a feeling of great annoyance. The Mulla was no soft target. 'Are you a big spender?' he asked the man, intending to embarrass him 'I am,' replied the man, brazen as a brass urn. 'You enjoy sitting around in coffeehouses, telling stories and playing cards?’ 'I do!' replied the beggar. Nasruddin could hardly believe the man's audacity. 'And having a nice dip in the baths every day, no doubt?' 'Couldn't do without it. There's nothing, I say, like a good rub-down in a Turkish bath, to exfoliate the skin and brace you for the day.' 'And no doubt you need a new set of clothes now and then after that luxurious bath?' 'Not now and then, Mulla,' the man objected. 'Frequently.' The Mulla raised his eyebrows, reached into his pocket and gave the man a small gold coin and moved on, having done his pious act of charity. Four steps on and he practically trod all over another beggar.
This one sat shrunken into his space. There was no extended arm or upturned palm, just a look of meek dejection. Mulla Nasruddin stopped beside him. 'And you, my man, are you interested in living the good life?' 'The good life??' replied the man. 'All I ask for is a place to sleep and a few morsels of food in my belly.' 'You mean, you don't spend your earnings on fancy meals?' The man shook his head. 'Or new clothes?' 'No!' replied the second beggar. 'I've already told you. I want to live a life of prayer with enough food to survive on.' 'I'm impressed,' said the Mulla. He reached deep into his pocket and gave the man a small copper coin. 'What!' protested the beggar. 'You gave that profligate there a gold coin— and to me, a devout man, you give only a meagre copper coin?' The Mulla frowned. 'But surely you understand,' he said. 'His need is far greater than yours.'
Delboy99
Dam
Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."
So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"
The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"
Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants Miss ..."
Delboy99
Dam
A man is in the middle of his eye exam.
It seems to be going well until the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read words off a board.
The doctor asks, “What does this say?”
The man says, “That’s easy enough. I.”
The doctor points at the next line.
“That says Am.”
The doctor points at the next line, and the man scoffs. “Scared of? This seems too easy.”
Then the doctor points at the next word, and the man suddenly clams up. The doctor looks at him. “Can you not read this word?”
The man nervously shifts in his seat. “I can’t read that out loud, doc.”
The doctor raises one eyebrow. “What do you mean you can’t read that?”
The man sighs. “That’s the N word, doc. You’re not going to make me say that.”
The doctor takes a moment and shrugs. “Then I guess you need glasses.”
The room is silent for a solid two minutes before the man stands up in defeat, and after five minutes, takes the glasses the doctor had prepared for him.
As the man is leaving, he puts on the glasses and looks back.
“OH, NIAGARA!”
Delboy99
Dam
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective.
The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"
He calls them into his office one by one.
The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable.
The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd"
After a minute, the man is done.
The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me"
The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear".
The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought... ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!"
The second guy is called in and given the same challenge.
After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye"
Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!"
The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge.
The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer"
5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses"
The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in.
A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?"
Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
Delboy99
Dam
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
Delboy99
Dam
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the *only one* in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"