• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

s-l1600.jpg

..... simple misunderstanding!;)
 

Bought a new camera today…​


and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.

That’s when I shot a man, just to watch him dye.;)
 
In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First to go is Scotland Yard. They use hounds and helicopters and come back with the rabbit in 2 hours.

Second to go was the FBI. They use high-tech gear and drones with thermal image cameras and return with the rabbit in 1 hour.

Last to go in is the Brazilian BOPE. They return after 20 minutes with a bloodied pig, a written confession and the animal is screaming: I'm a rabbit! I swear I'm a rabbit.;)
 

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.​


He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously doing nothing wrong, so he drives even slower as he passes through the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his photo again. He does it a fourth and fifth time and is hysterical each time when the camera flash snaps his picture. The final time he passes through the light he is going 20 miles under the speed limit.

Two weeks later, he gets five tickets in the mail for operating a car without a safety belt!;)
 

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife​


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Townlife Magazine;)
 

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a rather big choice....​


Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?;)
 

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...​


A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches into her purse and takes out a hidden camera photo of her own husband sleeping with the pharmacists wife.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription”;)
 

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.​


One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? CAN I BE FIRST???";)
 

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidence indicates that the defendant is guilty, but the body has never been found....​


Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlemen, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after this was said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After another couple of minutes the juries leave the room in order to make a decision. When they return the judge asks if they have come to a decision.

"Yes your honour, we have found the defendant- guilty of murder".

The defendant's lawyer immediately rises up and shouts towards them: "how dare you convict my client? Just a couple of minutes earlier, I told you that the deceased would enter the room and you all looked towards the door! That proves that you had a reasonable doubt!".;)
 

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.​


In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, depending on how faithful you were to your wife reflects on what type of transportation you get.



St. Peter says to the first guy, "So, how faithful were you?"

He says, "Well, I really loved her - but I DID stray a few times..."

So St. Peter gave his a VW Beetle.



To the second guy St. Peter asks "What about you and your faithfulness?".

The second guy says, "Honestly, I cheated on her once, felt really guilty about it and together my wife and I went to counseling and worked it all out."

"Wonderful", says St. Peter - and gives him a Cadillac Eldorado.



So St. Peter looks at the third guy and says "Well?".

The third guy smiles and replies "I loved my wife dearly and never in our 47 years of marriage did I even LOOK at another woman."

St. Peter shakes his hand and says "Outstanding, you sir are the new owner of a Rolls Royce."



A number of months pass, and the first two guys happen to see the third guy, in his Rolls, parked on a corner in Heaven crying hysterically. One of them says to the third guy "Why are you crying? You're in Heaven with a new Rolls. What could be the problem?"



"(sniff sniff) I just saw my wife go by on a bicycle.";)
 

Written on My Forehead​


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break!"
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps, " he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!";)
 

Confession​


A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels.";)
 

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.​


My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back When?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I Did.

I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"When Did You Graduate?" I Asked. He Answered, "In 1975."

Why Do You Ask?' you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.



Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ***, Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-*****

Asked, What Did You Teach???";)
 

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.​


She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney.";)
 

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow​


The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director, not surprised by a grieving widow bursting into tears, hands her a tissue and starts to offer her some comforting words.

"You don't understand," the widow cried. "I just feel terrible. You see, my husband had this grey suit he wore every single Sunday and he loved it so much that it was his wish to be buried in it. But the suit is just so raggedy and old, so I decided he should be buried in a black suit instead. But now I'm standing here, and I just feel so guilty for ignoring one of his final requests. But I know that his grey suit is threadbare, so if he's going to be buried in a grey suit, I'd need to buy him a new one. I fear I don't have the time or money to fulfill one of his greatest wishes."

The director patted the woman on the shoulder and said, "Ma'am, I completely understand how you must feel. I will make sure your husband is in a grey suit when he gets buried tomorrow."

The widow was incredibly grateful and delighted to hear that, and promised to pay him back.

The next day, after the coffin was put in the ground, the widow stops by the funeral home and talks to the director again, asking if her late husband was indeed buried in a grey suit.

The director was beaming ear to ear as he informed her that yes, he made sure her deceased husband was buried in a grey suit.

The widow was glad to hear it, and asked the director how much she owed him.

"Ma'am, you don't owe me anything."

"Oh, no, I need to pay SOMETHING to thank you for doing that for me so short notice."

"No, no. You owe me nothing because it costs me nothing."

The widow is perplexed and asked how he managed that.

The funeral director says, "Well, Ma'am, after you left yesterday, another widow comes in, and she is distraught because her husband was being buried in a GREY suit, and he always wanted to be buried in BLACK. I remembered your husband was being buried in black and wanted to be buried in grey.

"Well the solution was simple, Ma'am. I just switched the heads.";)
 
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