• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey​


The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots, sliding them in front of the man. The first shot is quickly swallowed by the man, who then moves the second in front of the giraffe. To the bartender's surprise, the giraffe leans down, picks up the glass in his mouth, and gulps the whole shot down.

"Another round," the man says, putting a stack of money on the counter. The bartender obliges, and again the two companions down their drinks. This continues several times over, until both man and giraffe look well and truly sloshed. Finally, the man gets up, places a tip on the counter, then stumbles off of his stool towards the exit. The giraffe attempts to follow, but simply collapses unconscious on the floor.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts before the man can leave. "You can't just leave that lyin' there!"

"That's not a lion," the man slurs back, "that's a giraffe.";)
 

A pair of sunglasses and a set of jumper cables were lined up waiting to get into a nightclub.....​


The bouncer was letting everybody in front of them in but when they get to the velvet rope the bouncer says: “Sorry fellas, I can’t let you in.”

Feeling dejected the sunglasses said “Why not?”

The bouncer replies “Well for a start, you’re off your head and your mate here looks like he could start something.”;)
 

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth​


The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. And now, weirdest of all: even though he's dead, his little left paw keeps moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth."

The guy runs back to his house, digs through the shampoo he used when he washed the rabbit, and his worst fears are confirmed. Right there on the label: Permanent Wave For Damaged Hare.;)
 

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings​


Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he comes with his cat and dog ready to play.

Before they play, Berlusconi begins a dialogue.

Berlusconi: John, I don't care about your actual band, I just want to know the secret. How do you do it?

John: I don't do anything, the dog plays guitar and the cat sings, it's as simple as that.

Berlusconi: come on John, just tell me! No way it's real

John: look, it's my livelihood. I can't go around telling the secret i make a career out of this

Berlusconi: money is nothing to me, I'll pay you whatever you want just tell me how you do it

John: alright...I'll tell you. The dog plays guitar and sings, the cat just moves its mouth and pretends.;)
 

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.​


So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So she went and seen the pharmacist standing and asked for a bottle of nair he said I got a bottle right here but whenever you put this in your legs don’t wear any hose for 3 days. She said I’m not putting in on my legs.

He said well when you put this under your arms don’t wear any deodorant for 3 days. She said I’m not putting it under my arms.

He asked well where you putting it. She said on my schnauzer.

He said well don’t ride a bicycle for 3 days.;)
 

Two friends are walking their dogs…​


Two friends are walking their dogs — a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua — when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”;)
 

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.​


One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

The dog was insistent and the man finally relented. He drew his gun from his holster and shot the dog through the foot.

The dog yelped out of the bar and down the street. The stranger returned his gun to its holster and sat back down, continuing to drink his beer.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, and a black gun belt with a pair of black colt 45’s, and a black bandage around his sore foot.

In a loud voice he yelled, “I’m looking for the man who shot my Paw.”;)
 
Sat on a bus coming home from town today and this woman started breast feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!" About 10 mins later, the baby's still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" So I said "Listen love, can you make your f**kin mind up, I should've got off 4 stops ago!";)
 
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

No, said the consultant


It's the Serious Burns Unit;)
 
Jose Mourinho, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce entered a pub. Jose bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Arteta got a round in. Then Klopp put his hand in his pocket. Then Steve Bruce got the beers in.
Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Jose went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Arteta said "Excuse me Jose. What about us?"
Jose looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it.";)
 
There's been some scumbag named Callum, known as Cal, going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted! Really weird if you ask me...

Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley behind the pub because of a drug overdose..

It's never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone..;)
 
Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "

'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'Just let me in,' says the politician.

'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....

The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.

The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted;)
 

Some losses may be your gain​


An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you the work contract and terms.

The unemployed man replied that he had no e-mail and no computer at home.

The manager replied, "You do not have a computer, which means that you are not present, and if you are not present, it means that you cannot work for us."

The unemployed man came out upset after the doors were closed in his face and he was rejected.

And on his way, he bought with all he had, 10 dollars, 10 kilograms of strawberries, and started knocking on the doors to sell them.

At the end of the day the man earned $20.

After this the man realized that the process is not difficult.

The next day, he started repeating the process 3 times, and after a while the man began to go out early in the morning to buy four times the amount of strawberries.

The man's income began to increase until the man was able to buy a bicycle.

After a period of time and hard work, the man was able to buy a truck until the man owned a small business selling strawberries.

Five years later, the man became the owner of the largest food store.

The man began to think about the future until he decided to insure the company with the largest insurance companies.

In an interview with the insurance company employee, the employee said I agree

But I need your email to send you the insurance contract.

The man replied that he did not have an e-mail and he did not even have a computer.

The insurance employee replied surprisingly, I established the largest food company in five years, and you do not have an email, what would happen if you had an email!!

The man replied to him If I had an email five years ago, I would now be cleaning toilets in a company!!;)
 

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.​


"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally delivered a check to his family."

"Amateurs," says Carl. "Yesterday, one of my insured was fixing the roof of my office building when he fell off the roof. I handed him his check when he passed my window.";)
 

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.​


As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop: sir i'm placing you under arrest!
The driver: cant this wait? I still need to ditch the body in my trunk somewhere?
The cop knew he couldnt deal with this on his own and radio'd for backup.
When the street was flooded with police and the traffic cop updated the chief commander, the commander approached the car driver and asked about the paperworks. Car driver gives his license, registration, insurance,... The commander says: i thought you didnt have any of this?
Driver: ofcourse i do!
Commander: do you want to take a drugswipe?
Driver: sure i do, i dont even drink, let alone do drugs!
After the driver passes the swipe the commander asks him about the body in the trunk. The driver opens his trunk and shows the commander there is only a spare tire inthere. The driver says to the commander whilst pointing at the traffic cop: what's this with the police today? First the paperwork, then the drugswipe, a body in my trunk, next he's gonna say i was speeding too?;)
 
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