• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...​


The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."

The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."

The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."

The farmer adds, "But it sure is hard to fool those circle flies.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A policeman walks by a street vendor​


Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”

Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”

Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”​


“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.​


He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll arrest you." he orders the driver.

The teenager sighs "Whatever."
He stands in the circle.

The policeman takes his stick and smashes the front window. He turns around to see the teen's reaction.
The teenager smirks.

"Oh you think thats funny? Watch this!" yells the enraged policeman. He proceeds to smash the back windows. But when he turns round, the teenager is still smirking.

Furious, the policeman really goes to work. After two minutes, the car is a wreck. He turns around and sees the teenager stifling a laugh.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT IS SO FUNNY??"

The rebellious teen looks up defiantly.
"When you weren't looking, i stepped out of the circle *four times*!!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Policeman: How could you kill...​


...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A policeman goes home to his wife​


A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his wife speaks:

- Honey, can you run down to the corner shop and buy bread, so I can make breakfast for the kids tomorrow?

-Fine, but you should have mentioned earlier - says the husband while putting the uniform on again

He runs down to the shop, gets the bread and exchanges small talk with the guy at the counter

New job? - asks the cashier

Nah, why do you ask?

Ah, I could have sworn you were a policeman, but that's definitely a fireman uniform.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A corrupt policeman asking for bribes​


There was a corrupt policeman who always stopped people and asked them for bribes. One time he worked all day and didn't stop anyone. He realized as the sun was going down that he didn't have any money in his pocket so he said to himself, “I'm going to stop the next person I see.” Shortly thereafter, there came a man riding a new moped. The moped appeared to be working fine, the man was wearing his helmet, but the policeman stopped him anyway. The man's papers were all in order and the corrupt policeman couldn't find a reason to ask for a bribe. He said to the man, “Aren't you scared to be riding out here all by yourself?” The man answered, “I'm not by myself, I have God and the Prophet with me.” The corrupt policeman responded, “Three of you on that little moped? You'll have to pay a fine.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants​


My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, I noticed you were wearing some lace underpants."

"Yeah, they are women's underpants."

"Oh - okay. I didn't know you were... er... since when did you start wearing that?"

"Well, ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is behind it?​


A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is in it?

The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Out It Or Brush It​




An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady.

"I want you to take my husband's teeth out.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
blow!"

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A family goes overseas on a camping holiday​


The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site and the skunk is watching on, looking all sad.

The kids see how upset the skunk is with their impending departure and ask their parents if they can take the skunk back home with them.

The mum says "We can't children, we'll never get it past quarantine."

The kids are devastated.

Dad says "We could hide it in your mum's underpants, they won't search her."

The mum says "But what about the smell?"

And the dad says "Well, if it dies, it dies.";)
 
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