• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

This is Captain Leonardo Ricardo speaking,​


On behalf of my crew and I, I’d like to welcome you on board flight 633 from New York to Abu Dhabi. We are on the air above 38,000 feet across Atlantic Ocean.

If you you look outside the window, you will see that the wing has fallen off and the engine is on fire. If you look down the window, you will see a little yellow boat on the ocean. Inside the boat are 3 people waving at you, that’s me, the Co-pilot and your Air hostess.

This is a recorded message. Have a good flight! ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A seaman goes up to his captain​


He says “Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.”

The captain says “ Bring me my red shirt.”

After the battle, the seaman is talking to the captain.

“Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?”

“If I was shot, the crew wouldn’t notice and continue fighting.”

Then someone shouted “20 enemy ships on the horizon!”

The captain tells the seaman, “Bring me my brown pants.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.​


At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he always said that. Our captain went up to Frank just as he had bowled a strike, when he noticed something that made him forget about the five-minutes-late-thing.

"Frank," he said, "are you bowling left-handed today?"

"That I am."

"I could have sworn you bowled right-handed at our last game!"

"That I did."

For the rest of the game, and for each game over the next few weeks, all that the rest of us could talk about was the hand Frank was using to bowl.

"He's bowling righty today!"

"I remembered he bowled lefty at his first game!"

"Could he be alternating hands?"

"No, I remember last month he bowled three games righty in a row!"

Finally, the captain decided to ask Frank how he decided which hand to bowl with.

"Simple," replied Frank. "Every morning, when I wake up, I look at my girlfriend. If she's lying on her left side, I bowl lefty. If she's lying on her right side, I bowl righty. This may sound strange, but ever since I started this method I've become better at bowling than I've ever been!"

The rest of us decided that we should try this method too. Everyone who woke up and saw his girlfriend or wife lying on her left side bowled lefty. Everyone who woke up and saw his girlfriend or wife lying on her right side bowled righty. This method worked surprisingly well. We entered a national tournament, and, with our new hand-switching method, made our way to the finals.

On the morning of the finals, I woke up and looked at my girlfriend to see which side she was sleeping on... but she was lying on her back. Now I had no way of knowing which hand to bowl with.

When I arrived at the bowling alley, I told everyone about my dilemma. Once again, the captain asked Frank for help.

"What do you do when your girlfriend is lying on her back?" he asked.

With a sly grin on his face, Frank responded, "Why do you think I always say, 'Next game, I might be five minutes late'?" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago.​


I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off.

But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate...​


St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"

One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."

"I lived in an apartment complex, and I had been suspecting my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today, and found her naked in our bed. I searched the whole apartment trying to find a man, and found him hanging from the windowsill. I beat his hands with my fists but he wouldn't fall. Then I grabbed a brick from our closet and beat his hands until he did fall. Unfortunately he fell down onto the balcony below our apartment, so I grabbed our refrigerator and chucked it out the window, then had a heart attack and died"

"Not a bad story," St. Peter says. "I think you just might be the one who gets into heaven..."

"Not so fast," another man says. "I have a story that will beat that one out..."

"I worked as a window washer. And I was working on an apartment complex when my support collapsed. Luckily, I was able to grab on to a windowsill. Right when I was pulling myself up, a MANIAC came out of the window and started beating my fists. I held on tight and didn't fall. Then he found a brick somehow and hit my hands until I fell. Luckily, I landed on a balcony only a floor below. Just when I thought I was safe this REFRIGERATOR out of NOWHERE lands on top of me, and I die."

"Wow," St. Peter says, "I think you have the best story now. I don't know who can beat th-"

"Hold up a minute, I can beat that" says a third man outside the gate.

"So I'm hiding, naked, in this refrigerator...." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...​


A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!* ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A filthy toothbrush..​


One day the toothbrush had enough of it and said “damn, I have the filthiest job in the whole wide world”. The toilet paper replied: “ you sure about that?”. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Yard work​


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.​


. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.​


FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

SO: I know.

FO: How do you know?

SO: My dog told me. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Dogs are truly woman's best friend.​


If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in the trunk of your car.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again! ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Dog Fight​


The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years, they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"Dat's nuttin," an old Cajun American man replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons dat dun went to LSU working for five years to make ah Louisiana alligator look like ah Dachshund." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?​


The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in! ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.​


He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,

"Are you a vet?"

The German man replies, "Vet? I am absolutely soaking!" ;)
 
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