Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

[ALANST]

A guy with a 25 inch willy goes to the doctor and said "I can't live with this willy anymore! It's too long!".
The doctor replied "I can't do anything for you but if you go to the bayou and see the witch doctor she will be able to help you ".
So the guy went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor, the witch doctor said" go to the swamp and find a female frog and ask her to marry you.....she'll say "no" and you'll lose 5 Inches off your member".
So he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her "will you marry me?".
"No" she said
He lost 5 inches off his member
The guy liked the results and thought 20 inches is too much so he asked the frog again" will you marry me?".
The frog said "No"
And the guy lost another 5 inches
He thought good 15 inches is great but 10 inches would be better.
So he asked "will you marry me?".
And the frog said "how many more times do I have to tell you "NO!NO!NO!!!!!"

 

[Delboy99]

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin​

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two large zombies – a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two zombies, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male zombie caught him and ate him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two zombies were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” said the lawyer, pointing to the male zombie.

The policeman looked at the zombies, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE ZOMBIE.

“What did you do that for!” shouted the lawyer, “I said he was in the other zombie!”

“Exactly,” answered the policeman. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you two weeks ago that the Czech was in the Male?”
(The check is in the mail.)

 

[Delboy99]

Somewhere in Carpathian Mountains (translated from Ukrainian)​

Somewhere in Carpathian Mountains in Western Ukraine a guy gets pulled over by a policeman. After checking his papers, the policeman asks the driver to pop the trunk for him. In there he discovers a heavily mutilated body parts of what used to be a human being.

— What is this?
— A Russian.
— What a tragic suicide.

 

[Delboy99]

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?​

Lettuce in

 

[Delboy99]

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....​

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

 

[Delboy99]

(This is a popular joke where I'm from). A boy boards a bus with a sandwich in his hand.​

The bus driver says: " hey, this ain't a restaurant, kid!"

The boy replies: "I know. That's why I brought my own food."

 

[Delboy99]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…​

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day there was some improvement, and by the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge and delicious dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, do the laundry and prepare a hot meal three times a day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day the swelling had gone down a little and he could see out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

[Delboy99]

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office​

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket!

 

[Delboy99]

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....​

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"

Distraught, Pvt. Jones falls back into line.

The CO is a bit concerned about the RSMs treatment and calls him into his office.

"I think you need to address how you deliver bad news to the soldiers old chap. The way you did that with Jones during parade wasn't the most tactful way to deliver that message. It's bad for morale. I suggest you find a different way to break bad new to the troops in future".

"YES SAH!!" the RSM replies before saluting and being dismissed.

The next day the CO , RSM and soldiers are back on the parade ground after training.

Looking through his notes, the RSM nods to the CO and turns to face the troops.

"Before I dismiss you I have an announcement. All soldiers who have a Father, take one step forward ... MARCH!"

As the entire troop steps forward, the RSM suddenly points his stick at a solider in the 2nd line....

"PRIVATE SMITH !!! WHERE DO YOU THINK *YOU'RE* GOING!!!????"

 

[Delboy99]

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop​

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

 

[Delboy99]

What do you call a parade where everyone wears masks?​

A mask-arade

 

[Delboy99]

An assistant to Donald Trump​

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.** There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.** Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!** Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

 

[Delboy99]

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?​

It was total bandemonium

 

[Delboy99]

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.​

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.

When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says "You can come enter now.” The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.

The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"

The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".

 

[Delboy99]

A man buys new shoes​

And wants to show them to his wife. He gets naked, with the exception of his shoes, and parades out in front of her. "And? Notice something?"

"Nope", she says, "It's hanging like it always is".

"Well", the man says, "it's just admiring my new shoes!"

She turns around in bed, "next time, buy a hat".

 

[Delboy99]

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?​

................................ From a second-hand store!

 

[Delboy99]

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?​

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

 

[Delboy99]

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.​

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my duties. A log entry like this could hurt my chances of career advancement".

And the captain says, "First Officer, the log entry is factually correct. If the facts aren't as you'd like them, they should have been different facts, and the consequences are on your own head."

The First Officer falls silent and carries on with his duties. At the end of his watch he is relieved by the Captain, and before leaving the bridge he makes the following entry: "January 2nd: Captain Frobisher arrived on the bridge sober today."

 

[Delboy99]

A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween.​

He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.

She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"

He says "I am a pirate captain".

She says "Well--where are your buccaneers?"

He says "Right here under my bucken hat."

 

[Delboy99]

Why did Captain Picard go to the bathroom?​

He needed to leave a captain's log!