• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.​


"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.;)
 

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.​


The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”;)
 

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.​


After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”
“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to America and the other one moved to Australia. Now we are on 3 different continents and we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a pint for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”
The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behaviour and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 pints and drinking them in turn.
But then one day “Mister 3 Pints” comes in and orders only 2 glasses. The whole pub gets silent and the by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 pints the barkeeper says: “I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolances on your loss.”
The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.” ;)
 

Dead Crows​


During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.

This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck”. ;)
 

Dave is a good worker​


Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least."

"What do you mean?!?" asks the boss with derision. "Who can you possibly know?"
"Name someone famous", shrugged Dave, "I'll bet you I know him."

Amused, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about... Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?" he smirks.

"Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise 's door, and Tom shouts "Dave, whats happening! Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Altough impressed, Dave' s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Tom's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No no just name anyone else" Dave says.
"President Xavier" his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup, old buddies, let's fly out to Washington", and off they go.

At the White House, Xavier spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

" The Pope" his boss replies.
"Sure, I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss's side Dave asks him "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'" ;)
 

and oldie but a goodie​


back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sent it back, he had written one word in the corner of the scroll "fart" fuming, the monk stomped over to his friend's dwelling and demanded an explanation. to this his friend simply said "the seven winds could not move you, and yet a single fart sends you all the way across the river" ;)
 

The difference between theory & reality.​


A boy was given a essay to write about the difference between theory and reality.

Struggling to come up with a explanation he asked his dad who said to him that he could lend a hand with this one.

The father told him "go find your mother and ask her if she would sleep with the window cleaner for £1 million".

The son found out that the answer was yes and reported it to his dad.

"Right, now go and ask the same of your sister".

So he goes upstairs and reports back that she too would sleep with the window cleaner for £1 million.

"But dad, I don't understand! How is this information going to help with my essay??" asks the boy.

"Here is the rub, son. In theory we're sitting on 2 million pounds, but in reality we always going to have dirty windows!!" ;)
 

A panda walks into a bar...​


A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves." ;)
 

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.​


As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now.”

Sergeant Wilson was skeptical about the soldier’s explanation, but at least he’d made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he’d let the soldier off this time.

A couple of minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the same story.

“Sorry sir, you see I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn.

Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously, but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too.

A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily.

“And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson.

The soldier quickly responded, “Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab, but….”

Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately, “Let me guess, soldier. It broke down?”

“No, sir,” said the soldier, “There were so many dead horses in the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all.” ;)
 

A simple explanation​


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............She never got your email!" ;)
 

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.​


Help?? ;)
 

I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.​


S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u kind Sir, I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats." ;)
 

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.​


When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional clock maker.

The man goes to the shop and has the clock maker set his watch to the correct time. He tells the clock maker what he does for a living and that it is important that his watch keeps correct time.

The clock maker tells him that he needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.

The man leaves the shop but starts to ask himself how does the church know exactly when it is 6am?

So he goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.

The bell ringer tells him that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am and he's sure his watch is correct because he checks it every day at noon when the factory goes on break. ;)
 

"Do Lemons Whistle?"​


A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says, "Yes? what's the problem? what is it?"

The drunk says, "Can you answer a question?"

And the host says, "Sure! Fire away"

The drunk speaking very carefully says, "Do lemons whistle?"

The host says, "No lemons do not whistle. Why do you ask?"

The drunk staggers back and smacks his forehead in chagrin and states,

"Oh my God! Well in that case I have squeezed your canary into my Gin & Tonic" ;)
 

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other​


A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" ;)
 

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...​


He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board." ;)
 
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