• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.​


and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or anything to help him, and so he just stared at the fries, looking at its color as it turned from white to yellow, compensating for the fact that the oil was too, yellow.

Everyone was usually in awe of him because his fries were always yellow crispy perfect. And many customers came flocking to this particular McDonalds just for his fries.

However today, out of the corner of his eyes , he spied the newest happy meal toy, the talking electric pikachu, licensed by Nintendo . As an avid pokemon fan he couldn't help but pick up the toy and pull down on the tail marked with the 'down' arrow.

'Pikachu!' it went.

Delighted, he pulled on the lightning bolt shaped tail again...

'pikapikapi!'

absolutely thrilled he was at the possible variations of voice recordings the little rodent could provide, he pulled at the tail another thirty more times. ‘Pika?' it went, 'pikachuuuuuu!' and so on until he counted that there were fifteen in all.

Suddenly, he received a tap on his shoulder. He turned, only to face his supervisor holding a metal basket full of blackened fries.

"No human is infallible, as much experience as you have in the culinary arts, you must never be so complacent nor arrogant in your abilities, there are tools of this trade that you can make use of which will help you perform effectively! you have neglected one of the fundamental precepts of our trade! I do not wish to have to say it, or I would be doubly disappointed in you! You do know what I am speaking of do you not?"

The chef hung his head low, and ashamedly remained quiet, pondering over his obvious mistake, one that he had never imagined he would ever make.

"Tell Me!!!" demanded his supervisor...

The kitchen grew quiet as the crew stopped their activities, turning to both of them, just to hear the age old adage :

"Time fries when you're having fun.";)
 

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.​


He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever," said Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Tom, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if the public phone was on fire?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Is he in the fire department?"

"No. He's never seen a train crash.";)
 

The Right Choice​


An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money.";)
 

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.​


When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again." ;)
 

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"​


I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car.";)
 

Transporting prisoners​


Today in the UK twelve prisoners were being bused to another prison from HMP Stocken. Thay were in collision with a ready mix concrete truck. Police are now looking for twelve hardened criminals.;)
 

NASA CHICKEN CANON​


NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken.";)
 

You do the Maths.​


A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset ---- I shall be home before midnight.

When he came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My "Dearest Husband" ,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

As a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful lawyer who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.;)
 

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other​


The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look at the finished work. They lady is furious. "They look identical, which is which?"

"Well that's Tyson on the left and Holyfield on the right. Surely that's obvious?"

They lady demands to see the manager. He comes out and she explains the situation. "Tell me which is which then" she says to him.

"Well," the manager says, stroking his chin and carefully examininng the finished piece. " I don't know about these two on either side but that's definitely Don King in the middle";)
 

Always read the package insert​


"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?";)
 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon​


As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're so ugly";)
 

Women love hunters​


Top 10 most important men for women:-

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.;)
 
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