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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.​


He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now holding a $20 bill in his mouth. Slightly puzzled, the butcher obliges the dog's order, wrapping up the sausages in ice and putting them into a basket. He sets the basket in front of the dog, who picks it up with his mouth and walks out.

The butcher, now curious, temporarily closes up shop and decides to follow the dog. He trails the dog a couple of blocks until the dog stops at a bus stop. As a bus pulls up, the dog turns his head to look at the bus's number and stays seated. The butcher is stunned that the dog knows how buses work, much less which bus is his. Eventually, the bus arrives, and the butcher follows the dog onto the bus.

After about 20 minutes, the bus arrives at a stop in the suburbs, where the dog decides to get off, and so the butcher follows suit. The dog walks another couple of blocks until it arrives at a large, 3 story house, with a nice garden, and even a fountain in the center. The dog walks up to the front door of the house and pauses for a moment. It sets the sausage links to the side, takes a few steps back, and rams itself into the door at top speed, producing a loud "thud." The dog, a bit dazed, gets up and steps back again, as the butcher stares in confusion. The dog strikes the door again, producing another crashing sound. Suddenly, the door opens, and the man inside starts yelling furiously at the dog.

The butcher intervenes, saying, "Hey! Do you even know how smart this dog is?! It can write, read, use money, and take the bus! Hell, I'm sure there are even some \*people\* that can't do that! Who do you think you are?"

The man looks up at the butcher, still angry, and says, "Nonono, you don't understand. This is the third time he forgot his keys!";)
 

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.​


They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day came when Mr. Johnson lay dying on a hospital bed. He realized that asking his wife about Edgar was now or never.

"There is just one thing I want to know before I die," said Mr. Johnson. "Is Edgar really my son?"

"Yes, my darling husband," replied Mrs. Johnson. "Yes, he is your son."

"Thank you," said Mr. Johnson, and breathed his final breath, which was the most relieved breath he had ever taken.

"Phew!" said Mrs. Johnson. "Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other four..." ;)
 

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said...​


... “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

They climbed down from their pedestals and shyly approached each other with a smile. They disappeared into the bushes and emerged 15 minutes later after much giggling, laughter and shaking branches.

The angel said “You still have 15 minutes left”, with a knowing wink.

With a look of excitement, the female statue turned to the male statue and said “Fantastic. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll sh*t on it’s head!”;)
 

The star football player was missing his academic requirements​


He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was finally agreed that if he could spell a word, and get even a single letter correct, he would be allowed to play.

The coach goes to the player and tells him, "Listen boy. We were able to get approval for you to finish the season, if you can spell one word and get just a single letter correct. If you do it, we can win this season. So just concentrate and do your best. Now, you ready? The word you need to spell is 'coffee'".

The player thought for a minute, a look of deep concentration on his face. "K... A... U... P... H... Y...";)
 

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.​


Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clearly says 'smart'".
"Fantastic! How long did it take you to find that?" asks the Pope.
"Ten years."

The Pontiff finds another scholar at work, and asks how it is going.
"Here, Excellency, you see we always thought it said 'bead', but there's an 'R', it clearly says 'bread."

"Wonderful! And how long did you take to find that?"

"20 years." answered the Priest.


The Pope comes across another guy. The fellow is tearing out his hair, ripping up his robes, and beating himself over the head with one of the fragile tomes. "There's an 'R'! There's an 'R'!" he exclaims. "30 years, I've been down here, and there's an 'R'!"
The Pope grabs the guy by the shoulders and tries to calm him down. "My son! I can see you are upset by what you've found but it can't be all that bad. What is it?"

"All this time we thought it said 'celibate'!";)
 

Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.​


One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"

The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?";)
 

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.​


Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned items. There are weapons, drugs, etc., but one item caught his curiosity... Cement.

Franklin says to Lee, “Hey, do you have any idea why cement might be banned?”

“No idea, let’s ask the boss. I can’t see why anyone would want that,” says Lee

They both go to Santa’s office and ask, “Hey, Santa? Does anyone ever actually ask for cement for Christmas?”

Santa, in the process of checking his list, puts it down and says, “Yes. Every year there is a small village by a river that floods constantly. They ask for as much as they can get to build a wall. Every year I refuse.”

Both Franklin and Lee look at each other in amazement. That sounds like a great gift to give a village who needs it.

Franklin then asks, “But Santa, why would you ban them from having cement? It sure sounds like they could use it!”

Santa turns to both of them and says...

“Frank, Lee, my deer. I don’t give out dams.”;)
 

Could be a scene from paint your wagons.​


The local government just finished paving a highway, and is hiring crews to paint stripes down the middle. He hires a crew of 5 guys (the og joke says mexican but thats not pc) and one (used to be polish) guy (again, not pc).

The first day of painting goes by, and the crew of 5 paints two miles, and the head government guy says "huh, pretty good". Then he sees how much the single guy did, and lo and behold, 5 freaking miles done! That's crazy, he says. He scolds the other group saying "you should be more like this guy. Stop being so lazy!"

The second day comes, and again, the crew of 5 paints two miles, which is still pretty decent, but the single guy only paints 3 miles. "huh", the government guy says, "maybe he was just tired today. But he still did a lot more".

The third day, and again, the crew of 5 paints two miles, but this time, the single guy only paints half a mile, now even less than the other crew! The government guy pulls him aside and asks "What's up? You were doing so well?"

And the guy says, "well each day the trip back to the paint bucket gets longer and longer!";)
 

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."​


The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor." ;)
 

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.​


In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
note:- last line refers to baseball.;)
 

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.​


When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they were shocked. A giant room ran as far as the eye could see. The floor was carpeted with thick, beautiful rugs. Pillars of marble rose to a roof far, far above them. Chandeliers shimmering with crystal hung from the ceiling. Sitting on plush velvet thrones were thousands of exotic dogs of every breed. Servants rushed to and fro, bearing gold platters laden with delicacies. In one corner, a 40 piece orchestra stood, playing the most amazing music.

The President recovered first. "Alright, this place is pretty big. But the White House must be nearly double the size."

The Queen sniffed. "Oh, if you care about size then fine. But one does prefer the decor at Buckingham Palace."

The Royal Guide of Wakanda turned around impatiently.
"Do hurry. Surely you didn't travel all this way just to see our kennels?";)
 

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"​


He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting.";)
 
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