• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk​


He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins, he slowly opened only to find the parrot sweating profusely.

The owner asked 'why are you sweating?'.

The parrot said ' Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?';)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act​


After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.

Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...​


The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:

- I will fall down, you idiot!;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.​


The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "He's not even a member of this gym.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...​


"I see dead people.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."​


"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Can't come in​


A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.

"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"

The manager took the letter and read it.

"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have..."

The manager stopped reading and kept staring at the letter.

"I can't read his writing, is that an I or an O?"

The assistant looked at the letter.

"It's an I"

"Thank goodness, I thought he'd shot himself";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???​


Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smile.
"I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said.
"Son, go back to the Butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face"! ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A butcher is serving his customers...​


... when a stray dog comes in and starts barking.

The butcher is about to shoo him away when one customer says, "give him few lamb chops".

The butcher agrees and puts some in front of the dog. The dog eats everything in front of him but is still hungry. He looks at the butcher and starts barking again.

The customer now says, "give him 5 pounds of the steak over there". The butcher puts a new bowl in front of the dog who, once again, eats everything in few minutes and starts barking again.

The customer now says, "I think he wants some ham". The butcher agrees and puts a large piece of ham in front of the dog. This time, the dog is content. He finishes eating and leaves with a smile.

The customer is about to leave as well when the butcher yells, "Hey, you haven't paid for the dog".

The customer says, "I never said I would pay for him, I was only translating;)
 
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