• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.​


On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada!;)
 

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland​


when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it to vibrate."

The man looked round and, to his horror, saw a horse standing there. In terror, he ran back down the road he was driving on until he came to a small cottage.

He banged on the door until the farmer inside opened it.

After explaining what happened, the farmer raised an eyebrow and asked "this horse, was he white, with a brown patch on the top of his head?"

Confused, the man admitted that yes, this did sound like the horse that spoke to him.

"Oh don't listen to that one", the farmer said, "he knows nothing about cars.";)
 

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa​


A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, as he does not like to socialize with the general population, so he ventures deep into the African wilderness and stumbles onto a very friendly African tribe.

The Tribe welcomes him, but are a little cautious as they have never seen a human with as light of skin as he has.

The man falls in love with the tribe, and ends up teaching them about different cultures, the English language, etc.

The man also becomes quite good friends with the tribe chief, as he and the chief have much more in common than they both would have ever imagined.

A year passes, and the chief is getting suspicious of the white mans plans for being out in the wilderness for so long, and starts to question his antics.

The chiefs wife gets pregnant.

The chief thinks nothing of it, as he loves his wife and sleeps with her regularly, until nine months later when the baby is born, and has the same pale skin as this strange white man.

The chief becomes furious, as he thinks the white man had slept with his wife, and asks to speak with him in private far from the rest of the tribe. He takes him to the edge of their village near a sheep pasture, where it is peaceful, yet quiet.

The chief brings up his concern for his child being white, and explains to him that it isn't possible for the child to be white and be his son, as the man is the first human they have ever seen to be white. The chief has many children, all as dark as he is.

Furious, the chief threatens to banish the man, as he is convinced the man had a child with his wife, but offers the man a chance for an explanation as to why the child isn't his.

The white man thinks for a minute, and looks out onto the sheep pasture. He notices that all the sheep are white, except one of them, who is black.

The man uses this example of the sheep, claiming that in nature, there is always a "black sheep", and sometimes, no matter how all the others look, one comes out looking different than the rest. There wasn't a black sheep to impregnate a white sheep, to make it black, it just happens sometimes.

The chief listens to this explanation, and makes his decision.

The chief says, "I won't tell the others about the baby, if you keep your mouth shut about the sheep";)
 

What you see, Kemo Sabe?​


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent.";)
 

Bush hunters​


Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, "Any idea where we are?"

Elmer replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!;)
 

A man got lost on a camping trip​


A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted, “is that you?”

“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”

“We're from the Red Cross.”
“I gave a donation at the office!” Charlie shouted back.;)
 

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.​


They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball." ;)
 

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?​


The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".;)
 

Golfer's Dilemma​


You are playing in a golf tournament and to your astonishment you are actually winning as you reach the 18th hole. With a one stroke lead over your final opponent, who also happens to be playing the final hole with you, you step up to the tee and hit a perfect 300 yard shot dead center fairway. Your opponent then steps up and shanks it directly into the woods. Being a person of great sportsmanship you help him look for his ball for 10 minutes before he finally says that he will take the penalty stroke and drop his ball. You return to your ball, take your second shot and again it's nearly perfect.. settling 5 feet from the flag.. victory is about to be yours. All of a sudden from the woods you hear your opponent yell "Found it!", followed by the crack of the ball. His shot is perfect and rolls right into the hole. Here's the dilemma, do you allow him to count the shot or do you take his ball out of your pocket and call the cheater out on his lie?;)
 

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.​


They said, "How flexible are you?"


........................... I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.";)
 

Three doctors are arguing over who is the best doctor.​


"I am the best," says the first, "once a guy came into my office holding his right arm in his left hand, I sewed it back on and today he plays piano for the queen of England."



"I am the best," says the second, "a woman came into my office with her legs cut off, I sewed them back on and today she is competing for a spot on the US olympic gymnastics team."



"I am the best," says the third, "a business man came into my office who was riding a horse and ran it into a truck, all I had to work with was, his hair piece, an '89 Motorola, and the horses's ass, and today he is president of the United States.";)
 

A blonde decides to go ice fishing.​


She’s got all her gear ready and just needs to find the perfect spot on the ice to set up.
The blonde finds a suitable spot on the ice and starts drilling until she hears a loud voice overhead.

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Spooked, she gathers up her things and starts walking. After some time she discovers a better spot where there should be plenty of fish, and starts drilling.

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE, YOU MUST FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO FISH”

Flustered she packs up her things one more time. Finally after some more walking the blonde finds the perfect spot on the ice where there is surely fish.

Determined to actually catch some fish this time she sets up and starts drilling until to her disappointment she hears the voice again.

“THERE WILL NEVER BE FISH UNDER THIS ICE, IM SORRY BUT YOU MUST GO FISH SOMEWHERE ELSE”

frustrated, she calls back

“Are you God?”

the voice responds

“NO, I AM JIM. THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK.”;)
 
..... you really are my best supporter in the jokes forum S Sandhog , and I can always rely on you reading them. A lot of support seems to have gone from this forum, not many seem to bother either with a joke or two or even spending time to support those who do try and raise a titter here and there. Can't figure it out as laughter should be part of every day life. ;)
 
Delboy99 Delboy99 ,

Thanks for that, but, I'm only doing what comes naturally.
I gave up making an effort to convince folk of anything, quite a while ago. Can't even get my kids, let alone grandkids to listen ( till it's too late), so I won't preach.

Just tell 'em straight, and, leave it at that.

It's perfectly obvious that having a good laugh is good for us, and, makes us feel better. Folks ignore this at their peril.
Once you been in the wars you realise this, otherwise, you get a trauma, and withdraw from constructive , enjoyable, life.

I'll leave it at that: folks can take it, or, leave it.

A big thank you for this service you provide! Sincerely - I'm a believer.
I'm just helping myself, so deserve no more credit than a monkey does for eating a banana.:)
Comes naturally. I wish my old plonker would; he's started firing blanks a bit, lately.
 

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.​


Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of this parrot which is sleeping?

Shop owner: That's for $5000

Customer: And what does it know?

Shop owner: That I don't know, I haven't seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss. ;)
 

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday​


A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot to stop but nothing works. All the parrot does is make rude comments and swear at people.

Finally, after months of this, the boy is so fed up with the parrot that he loses his temper, grabs the bird and shoves it in the freezer and slams it closed. He hears squawking and screaming from the bird for about a minute until it just stops and all he hears is complete silence. Fearing that he may have hurt the animal, he opens up the freezer and quickly takes his parrot out.

The parrot is frozen but starts to talk. He says “I’m so sorry for all the rude and terrible things I have said in the past that may have hurt you. I promise to be better and nicer in the future.” The boy responds “Thank you, that really means a lot.”

The parrot then says “May I ask what the chicken did?”;)
 
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