• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.​


When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed on the allotment beside him. It was reflecting the light directly on his marrows.

"How long has this been here?" I asked.

"Oh well, Harold has had an alloment here with me since the war." he replied.

"But that shed looks pretty new. When did he get it?"

"Oh, last year I think" he replied.

"Well, there is your answer grandad."

He looked at the shed, the rays of sun reflecting in the glass and looked at the poor shrivelled marrow and smiled.

We had shed light on the problem.;)
 

A woman settles down on the veranda of a restraunt to eat some lunch and enjoy the sunshine with...​


Her dog. She scoops the little old dog out of her purse and holds him in her lap while she reads the menu. A man, a few seats away sitting at a table littered with empty beer bottles, turns around, looks and the woman and her dog and scoffs, "THAT is the ugliest thing I have ever seen." The woman flushes but refuses to say anything and just ignores him. The man leans out of his chair a little and hollers, "No, really, it's flippin horrendous! You'd do better to put it out of its misery!" The woman still ignores the man but is getting very angry. Finally, he swings completely around in his chair and asks, "I mean really, you're in public! Do you think it's appropriate for a pig to be in public?" Finally the woman snaps, looks at the man and yells, "Not only are you a belligerent drunk but you're ignorant as well! This is clearly a dog, not a pig!" The man blinks at her a few times confused, "Wha? I know that, I was talking to the dog!";)
 

A guy goes trekking in the jungle.​


A guy goes trekking in the jungle.

He comes across a man frantically searching for something under the sunlight that made it's way through the leaves of the tall trees.

He approaches the man and the below conversation follows:

Guy: What are you looking for?
Man: I am looking for my wallet that I just dropped.

Guy: Where do you think you dropped it?
Man: Somewhere in the bushes back there (pointing much further away)

Guy: shouldn't you be searching over there then?
Man: It's too dark over there, I came here so I can see better.;)
 

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.​


They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. “FOR I, AM THOR!”

She replied “YOU’RE thor? I can barely thtand!”;)
 

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...​


The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”

“Stop it” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”

The priest apologizes. “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”

“Fair enough.” grumbles the nun.
The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the NUN into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies:

“Damn it! I missed!”;)
 

After tennis, I came across 2 dogs fighting in the park​


so I whistled and threw a tennis ball into the brush. They immediately stopped fighting and chased after the ball. Minutes later they returned, but didn't have my ball.

So I gave them a no ball peace prize.;)
 

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...​


As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!";)
 

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work...​


when he is stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.
"Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."
"And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.
"Well," says the businessman, thinking it best to play along, "I suppose I'd ease off on Mr Accelerator, and switch on Mr Headlights and Mr Windscreen wipers."
The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. "I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!"
And threw the book at him.;)
 

A Scary Midnight Story​


A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a low whisper, "I'm so glad you're here. Nobody ever goes by here anymore."

There's something really creepy about the lady, and the cabbie doesn't talk with her, just drives to the address she gives. He's so nervous and jittery that he starts swerving hard along the country roads.

Embarrassed that he's so scared, he turns around to apologize for his driving-- but the woman is gone.

Terrified, the cabbie floors it until his heart stops beating like a jackhammer, and he catches his breath at a stop sign.

Starting to think it was all a dream, he looks back to make sure no one is in his car. But he sees the woman in white again. This time, her eyes are dripping blood, and she starts to reach out to him with a pale hand.

This starts the cabbie again and he drives like a lunatic, not knowing what he's doing in his fright. He turns to see if the lady is close, and then hits the brakes-- she's gone again!

Shaking, he pulls a flask and takes a swig of whiskey to steady his nerves, when cold fingers touch his shoulder. He looks behind him and sees the woman's face completely covered with blood now, staring down at him behind a veil of disheveled black hair.

The cabbie panics and drives like a madman, his only instinct is to escape. When he finally calms down, he stops and looks behind him to see that the lady has disappeared again. But as soon as he turns back toward the road, he notices that the lady is now seated beside him in the front passenger seat, blood covering her from head to toe and dripping from her open mouth.

Crazed with fear now, the woman staring him down, the cabbie drives the final stretch to their destination like hell on wheels. When they get there, he collapses back into his seat, all the fight gone out of him.

The blood-covered lady leans over and whispers, in a creaking voice from the edge of the afterlife, saying,

"Hey, cabbie. You gotta fix that back door, I fell out and had to catch up to you three times.";)
 

Took my car to a mechanic the other day...​


I said "Can you fix my headlights?"

They reply "No!"

I respond, "Well, can you check my radiator?"

Again, "No!"

I turn to him and say "Well, what **do** you do,then?!"

He responds "We're a front for the IRA!"

"In that case..." I say. "... Can you blow up my tires?";)
 

A story about Little Timmy​


One night, little Timmy asks his mom if he can take a shower with her, she’s says “Sure but don’t look up or down.” Well, Timmy looks up and says “What are those mommy?” And Timmy’s mom says “Those are my headlights”. Then Little Timmy looks down and asks “what is that mommy?” And she replies with “That’s my garage.”

The next night, Little Timmy asks his Dad if he can take a shower with him, he says “sure but you can’t look down.” Well Little Timmy looks down, and asks “Daddy what is that?” To which he replies with “That’s my limousine.”

A few nights later, Little Timmy is having trouble sleeping and goes into his parents room. He asks if he can sleep with them. After a bit of consideration, they say “Sure, but don’t look under the covers.” Well, Little Timmy does just that and screams “Mommy turn on your headlights, Daddy’s limousine is parking in your garage.”;)
 

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant...​


...that they used to regularly go on dates to. It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"<br>
With a smile and a nod, the wife agrees and they venture outside and into the alley around the restaurant. Not long afterward, a bike patrol cop rolls past the alleyway and hears the most intense love-making session known to man, the couples' shouts echoing into the street. He flashed his headlights onto the couple just after they had finished and with a puzzled look, he asked "What are you two doing? I don't think I've ever seen a couple go at it with such passion and intensity in all my years."

The old man, pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, replied, "Yeah, well fifty years ago this place didn't have electrified fences here.";)
 
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