• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...​


(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and saw the woman wasn't there yet. The waiter sat him down and asked him if he wanted anything while he waited. He thought about it and said,

"Do you have any caffeinated drinks?", he didn't want to fall asleep in the middle of his date.

"Sir, this is a dinner restaurant. No caffeine, but we do have some wine, if you'd like..."

"Do you have frog legs?", the man suddenly asked.

"Yes. Shall I-"

"Hop over to the cafe next door and get me a coffee, then." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Monk joke​


A millionaire decides that it's a lovely day to take his new plane out for the day, a couple hours into his flight he begins to have trouble so decides he will land on a small island off in the distance

When he lands he is greeted by several monks who welcome him with open arms and take him on a tour of the grounds.

As he's walking around he hears a strange continuous banging. Interested he asks the head monk what the sound was.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk"

They continue walking, enjoying the smell of the ocean, the beauty of the flowers and the wonderful conversations.

As they are approaching the main building the man hears the banging again, and again he asks the head monk what the sound was.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk"

As they pass a dinning Hall he hears the sound again but this time asks a different monk what the sound was.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

This drove the man crazy from not know which made the man decide to stay on the island and become a monk, he trained everyday with the monks, learning their life and culture.

On his last day of training, himself and the head monk are walking through the main building when he hears the banging again. He asks the head monk what it was.
"ill show you"

They go through a set of huge doors. The new monk can hear the banging even louder now. Next they go through a giant Hall and again the banging gets louder, eventually they reach a small hatch in the wall, by now the strange banging is deafening.

The head monk opens the hatch and removes a box that's practically beating like a human heart. He gives the box the to new monk.
The new monk slowly opens the box..

Can you guess what was inside?

Can't you tell you're not a monk!;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

The Right Choice​


An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.​


“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Welcome to Australia!​


A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.​


When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up the road and it's only $25 a night but, I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the place being haunted.”

The couple thought nothing of it and made their way to the cheaper hotel.

When they arrived, they paid the $25 and, out of curiosity, asked the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager said "Oh that's just my rivals trying to drive me out of business. I've never seen any sign of a ghost in the two hundred and fifty years I've been here.” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A German Goes On Holiday​


He Chooses France as His first destination and Jumps on a Plane. He reaches border patrol and hands his Passport over; The guy working at the booth says to him


*"Nationality?"*
**"German"**
*"Occupation?"*
**"What? No, Silly, I'm Here on Holiday."**;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.​


It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

There is a Spanish family on holiday in England​


When they are in England, the trains are packed and everyone is drunk and half naked. Everywhere is mayhem and the little Spanish boy is confused why. "Dad, why is everyone celebrating, is there an event or something happening?" The dad replies, "The sun has come out.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...​


...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A monkey is smoking a joint​


A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.


At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.


He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden​


_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is significantly taller than they were expecting, towering almost 40 feet into the air.

"How did we not see this from the street outside?" asked one of the regulars. "It's a magic slide dumbass," replied the barman.

"So it's just really big? That doesn't seem that magic," said another of the regulars.

"I got it from an Irishman," replied the barman. "He said it's home to a leprechaun who will grant you a wish as you go down it. All you need to do is to shout what you wish for when you are halfway down the slide, and then at the end of the slide you'll land in a big pot full of whatever you wished for."

The regulars are incredulous, but they decide to call the barman's bluff and try it for themselves.

It's a long climb to the top of the slide, and the three of them arrive sweating and gasping for breath. Being British, they form an orderly queue and the first one sits down and sets off down the slide.

Within seconds he's travelling at a tremendous speed and thoroughly enjoying himself. When he judges himself to be roughly halfway down the slide he yells out "Money" and when he reaches the bottom he lands in a big pot filled with £50 notes. Triumphant, he raises his arms and waves up at the two regulars still at the top of the slide.

The second sits down and sets off down the slide, gathering speed and waving his arms above his head with exhilaration. As he gets halfway down the slide he shouts out "Gold" and when he reaches the bottom he lands in a big pot filled with gold coins, miraculously managing to not break his legs.

The third sits down and sets off down the slide. He's seen the other two have so much fun that by the time he gets started he's really excited about going down this massive slide and has totally forgotten about making a wish. As he gets halfway down the slide he joyously exclaims "Weeeeeeeeeeeee" and when he reaches the bottom he lands with a big yellow splash.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Little Jenny loved climbing trees​


When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at her panties.

The next day picking Jenny up from school, she sees Jenny climbing the tree again, and again the group of boys leering at her beneath the tree.

“Jenny! Get down from there! I told you not to let the boys see your panties!”

With a proud smile, Jenny shouts back, “Don’t worry mom! I’m not wearing my panties!”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......​


One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car... ;)
 
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