• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.​


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.';)
 

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench​


Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.;)
 

24 Hours to Live​


Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carol agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said, "Darling please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!;)
 

Priest hears man's last wishes​


His priest, his lovely wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are at his side.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes.
He begins to speak. "My son, John, I want you to take the Epic Ocean houses."
"My daughter Donna, you take the apartments between mile markers 50 and Keeler Road."
My son, Tom, I want you to take the offices over in the Tri-County Office Center."
"Carol, my beautiful wife, please take all the condominium buildings on the west side of Echo Street.
The priest and witnesses are surprised as they did not realise his extensive properties, and as He slips away, the priest says:
"Carol, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have all this extensive property.
The wife replies, "The goof has a paper route";)
 

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.​


A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..." ;)
 

The travelling salesman [Long]​


A travelling salesman knocked on a lady's door. When she opened the door and saw all the boxes the man was carting around, she said, "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want it. I'm broke."

"Ma'am, what I have with me is the greatest vacuum cleaner in the world. I would love to demonstrate it for you."

The man pushed past the lady before she could shut the door. "Once you see what this can do, you'll change your mind."

"I don't care. I don't want it. I'm broke," she insisted.

The salesman wasn't listening because he was busy dumping boxes of dirt on the carpet.

"Now, ma'am, I promise you if this vacuum doesn't pick up every last speck, I will eat this dirt."

"Well then, I'll get you a spoon," she said.

"What, why? I haven't even started yet.";)
 

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...​


The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn. When they get there he says, "You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story. The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg. So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end over the rafters.

The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.

"Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie. Now, mister... if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I'll buy one of your damn tractors.";)
 

So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...​


The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the door. She was not in the mood for that and decides to slam the door on his foot to drive him off. The door bounces back open. Getting really frustrated, she grabs the door and prepares to give it a huge slam. Before she slams however, the salesman says, "Ma'am, before you do that, I would advise moving your cat.;)
 

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while​


The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He staggered to the side of the road to flag down help. The first car that pulled up was driven by the most amazing blonde. Long legs, perfect hair and satin skin. You poor man she said, come with me and I'll take care of you, special care.

I can't, said the man "my wife wouldn't be happy"

"its ok" said the woman "I'm sure she'd want to know you are ok?"

"no" said the man "she really wouldn't be happy with me going with you"

"Its not your fault you crashed, come on let me look after you"

"no, I can't, Its not right, my wife really wont like it..." The lady looked at him, steadying him by the arm and said "come with me"

So the man got in her car and went with her...he ended up spending the night, a magical night with this amazing lady.

The next morning the guy woke up wracked with guilt. "I have to go, my wife wont be happy"

"Stay" she said "Where was your wife last night when you needed her?"

"well, last time I saw her she was still in the car, so maybe still in the ditch?";)
 

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.​


'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored ties.

'I don't want a stupid tie! I need water!', the wanderer says and moves on.

After a while he sees a building in the distance.

A sign over the door says:
'Free water, food and lodging'

The man approaches the building, incredulously reaching out to touch it to confirm that it is not a hallucination.
As his hand touches the door, it opens. A man with a friendly smile emerging.

'Water, please!', croaks the wanderer.

'No problem', the man answers. 'We have all the water you can drink.'
He sizes the wanderer up and suddenly his face grows cold.

'But I am afraid there is no entrance without a tie.';)
 

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.​


They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." ;)
 

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”​


“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

"Hey, Craig, did the police come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden ploughed.” ;)
 

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.​


"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.;)
 
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